I have always experienced days where I felt like I was not good enough. I think that's part of being a human being that is invested in what they are doing...you can't help but wish you were better at things or had more hours, or knew more about what to do.
Since Gideon, though, when I feel "not good enough", there is a lingering doubt that maybe I just wasn't good enough to be his Mom on earth. Maybe I am too busy, maybe with my other children, I just couldn't meet his needs, maybe I don't have enough patience. Or worse, maybe the things that I enjoy are more important to me than he was.
There are moments when I am grateful for the sleep I am getting since I don't have a newborn waking me all the time, and then I beat myself up about being glad for being well rested, and I wonder maybe if I like sleep more than I like having a new baby, and that's why he couldn't stay.
One day when I was feeling these feelings, feeling like I wasn't a good enough Mom, like our family wasn't a good enough family, I really felt strongly that Gideon didn't want me to blame myself, or to ever say "we weren't good enough" when I talk to my children about Gideon. And I keep reminding myself that it's not really true. If I didn't want him, I wouldn't have had him. Why can't myself figure this out?
That thought that "I loved other things more" refuses to leave though, it haunts me persistently. I keep watching people's children, especially young children, because it helps remind me that I LOVE having babies around, that I don't mind changing diapers, that I'm OK with holding a baby while I do dishes or play piano (yes, I can practice with a baby on my lap, but it's difficult.). Being around other young children, having them in my home helps me say to myself: "See?! I could have handled more than 4." I feel like I'm still trying to convince myself that I am capable, that I love kids, that I wanted Gideon in the first place.
It's awful. I have my happy days, where I see the growth in myself and my family that has come as a result of this experience. I have my OK moments, where I am doing good things and feeling good about all I am doing. And I know I need to be busy doing good things, because I'd go crazy otherwise. But sometimes, good moments (such as doing well on a quiz for school and feeling great about it) are burst by the ghost of my thoughts "You enjoy school so much, maybe it's a good thing Gideon died, so you can be doing this."
I LOVE doing good things. I do love to be busy helping people, loving people, serving people, learning & growing myself, and helping others learn and grow. And having a new baby makes it hard to focus on anyone besides the baby, which I have struggled with before. It's overwhelming, and I feel bad when I can't give my other kids and my husband the attention I want to when I have a new baby. I have been glad for the opportunities I've had to keep helping others learn and grow since Gideon passed away. And then I feel guilty for feeling glad.
I was trying to balance focus on Gideon with focus on the rest of my family during the time he was in the NICU. We were told initially that he would likely be there for 12 weeks, (if he'd been a healthy 28 week old, that probably would have been true), so I was trying to spend mornings at home with my other kids, help them get jobs done and help them each do a little bit of learning (reading, writing, whatever) before I left to go see Gideon. I didn't think it was fair to spend 12 weeks living at Primary Children's and leave my other kids motherless during that time. I wanted a balance I could keep up for weeks on end, and I felt like I had a good balance between his needs and the family's needs. Then we learned that he was going to die. Well....let me rephrase, because obviously he was going to die, we all do. We learned that he had very few days to live. At that point, besides feeling dread at losing him, I wished and wondered why I hadn't spent more time with him. Why didn't I give my newborn all my attention? I could have stayed at least one night with him in the NICU, why didn't I? I had one week to be with him, and I treasured the moments I did have with him, but why didn't I have MORE moments with him? I think that the hospital experience is part of what has driven my guilt. And it's stupid and I should stop. It's unfair of me to wish and wonder and question why I didn't do this or that. At the time, I was trying to take care of my body (after just having a baby), my emotional needs, and the needs of my other kids. But I feel SO bad for not spending more time with Gideon, and I wonder if I just didn't have a high enough priority on him.
I sometimes wonder if this will ever end. Will the guilt ever quit? Will I ever just be able to feel happy about doing well in school, about taking care of my garden, about making meals for my family? Am I always going to feel like he was never a high enough priority for me in the first place? And I don't know.
I should quit beating myself up. It's not fair to me or my family. It's not fair to Gideon who I know doesn't want me to feel like I wasn't good enough. I don't know how to stop. I have tried ignoring it, which is making it worse. Feeling joy now carries a heavy weight with it.
I have some goals, and I will let everyone know how they all turn out. Until I was writing this down, I didn't realize that I haven't prayed specifically about these feelings. Goal #1: I will pray about it. I do know God listens to and answers prayers, and I know that he is a master healer. Goal #2: I will spend time finding scriptures about mercy and forgiveness and also happiness. I KNOW that human beings were created so that we could have joy and ultimate happiness by becoming like God and eventually having eternal life. I have been seeking to find joy through this whole thing, but it's joy with a side of guilt and questions about my priorities. Goals #3 &4: I need to find peace in the temple of God and ask for another priesthood blessing. I haven't had one since before he was born, and this is a new reason for needing help.
Temples are a place where I feel closer to God than anywhere. I feel a sense of who I am and who I want to be, of what will help me be truly happy. I have had inspiration there to help me with struggles in my daily life.
The power of priesthood blessings is very strong. I was in a very awful snowmobiling accident years ago, and was promised in a blessing that I would heal completely and quickly. Serious back injuries don't usually do that. And mine has. I have been given blessings where the Lord communicated to me answers to things that were in my heart that I hadn't uttered aloud. God knows me, and can help me through this.
I will report on my 4 goals in future blog posts. I realize this may be a process I need to repeat for the rest of my life (more prayer, scripture study, temple worship, and priesthood blessings to cope with guilt, questions, and doubt), but I know I can't go wrong following the pattern, so perhaps this will be one of those things that will give me experience and be for my good.
All you posts, even the hard ones, end on a happy, positive note. I'm sure you partly do that for us, the readers. You are saying, But I'm ok. Don't worry about me too much. Everything's fine. Well, I appreciate the positive feelings you share because I learn so much from them. But I also want you to know I acknowledge those sad, negative, guilt feelings and think I'd be right along there with you. Not even sure I could end with the hopefulness you always do. It shows your strength and your perspective, and it also shows your compassion. Even in "venting" your feelings, you think of others. I think these are good goals. And maybe it would be helpful to realize that Satan will work on you so hard during this time. He knows Heavenly Father can rain down blessings upon your family, he knows the personal growth and family unity you can gain through all this. He sees the potential and it's a huge threat to his evil plans for you. So he'll use every tiny thing he can to get you to feel guilt and anger at yourself. Sadness, missing Gideon, hurt...all those are very normal and needed. But tell Satan to "get thee behind" you and keep filling your life with joy when you can and with priesthood blessings. With light. Praying for you, Katie. Those are great goals!
ReplyDeleteKatie I enjoy reading your blogs. I am a little more determined to be better after reading them. I have had similar thoughts to the ones you have expressed. I remember a time when I talked with a friend who had a child who was disabled- could not move around on their own and could not talk. She caught me off guard when she pointed out a few blessings about her child. When she needed some time she was able to put the baby down and not worry where she would be or what trouble or harm would she get into. She was always in the same safe spot. She also commented on how there were times that in the quiet she was able to refocus on her mothering abilities. She appreciated the quiet. Would she still have wished for a healthy and able-bodied baby? I know she did. But she taught me a lot about being able to see the positive in hard or sad situations. I would like to think that instead of feeling guilt as you have those thoughts that they are really Heavenly Fathers way of saying to you "It's going to be OK. Let me help you see the blessings you have". I KNOW He knows the desires of our hearts, our thoughts and wishes. I know He knows that you would trade any of these blessings or thoughts with the chance to raise Gideon in this life. But that is not His plan for you right now and so He is pointing out his tender mercies to help you feel joy again. And that is good. That is testimony to the healing power of the atonement! I will continue to pray for you and your family to experience joy. And more importantly to allow yourself to be joyful when those experiences happen. You are a great mom and I admire you. :)
ReplyDeleteKatie thank you for sharing your thoughts., and for the comments of your friends they are right on and very inspirational. I like your plan. You are right about Gideon not wanting you to beat yourself up. He adores you and will always be close by. I am sure you will feel him there in those quiet spiritual times. When you are doing the things in your plan. His mission and influence in your family will influence all of you to be a better person, be obedient , keep your covenants stay on the right path etc.
ReplyDeleteAs I read your blog I can't help but think about the atonement. It is always about the atonement of Jesus Christ. Not just in receiving forgiveness of sins because abviously you committed no sin. It is about finding help In Christ . He felt your pain grief , sorrow. He knows how to succor you. He knows how to help you heal, and comfort you as you go through the process. He can heal your heart make you feel whole again. He will help you overcome satan and your destructive thougts. He wants you to find joy in the journey, and joy in being chosen to be Gideon's mother. Joy in the knowledge that he does not have do go through the trials of mortality and he is going to the Celestial Kingdom. Joy in the fact he is forever yours and you will raise him in a perfect world Love you Katie I know The Lord is there for you. Your plan is great. We ate praying for you.
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