Cherished moments

Today brought me a few special treasures.  Moments I want to remember forever.  So here they are for me to remember and for anyone who wants to share in them with me.  And I hope you will treasure the joy I had in them, even if you couldn't experience it for yourself.

Every day brings special treasures.  One thing I learned from the brief time we had with Gideon was how many good memories you can make in a short time, or in the thick of a bad situation.  If you are surrounded by people that you love and that love you back, wonderful times and memories can be created and shared.  Another thing I have learned is how much you can squeeze into a week, or even a day, when you are focusing on really important things and savoring each moment, each hug, each snuggle.

  I miss my baby, but I don't want to miss out on the joys of the other loved ones in my life, and I am trying to do better at treasuring my time with them: laughing instead of feeling frustrated when my kids do something silly, actually stopping to read them a book when they ask (although I have limits, because my kids would go for 30-40 books back to back if I didn't stop them), hugging a little tighter and a little longer, snuggling with my husband every morning before I start my day.  I LOVE these moments.  I love being a wife and a mother.  It's the hardest job.  And it brings daily rewards that I had started to not see until Gideon reminded me how precious eye contact can be.  How precious the chance to hear a baby cry can be.  (I never heard him cry.  Not once.)  How much a snuggle can soothe.

Today, I got to snuggle a baby who was born 6 days after Gideon.  (A foster baby of my good friend's.)  Of course, this was a full term baby, now a month old, so he felt quite big comparatively, but he was still small enough to do that curl up and snuggle on your chest thing.  I think my heart beats differently in those moments when I am holding someone dear and the moment is so special.  And it did that special heart beat thing.  And I teared up, because I miss that "happy heartbeat" that I only got to have a little bit of with my sweet baby.  And I teared up because it felt lovely to experience it and share it with a boy near the age of my son.  A little boy who has already had a bit of a difficult time (obviously if he's been placed in a foster home at 1 month old), and I was glad to share my snuggle, my tender heart, with such a tiny young fellow that has so much potential.  I hope he felt loved in that moment, because I sure did.  I NEEDED that snuggle.  I needed to give love like that to a little boy.  I needed to feel that "happy heartbeat".  I told my friend that I don't think it's an accident that he was sent to her now.  (Not that everything is about me...but I feel like things lined up just right that I was able to have this chance to share some special moments with a boy my son's own age.)

I gave him a bottle, burped him, changed him, and just held him.  Talked to him when he cried, made eye contact with him.  All kinds of things I missed with Gideon.  It felt so good, and it hurt because of the longing and the heartache.  "Hurts so good" were the words my friend used, and they are very fitting.

Also, tonight, I had a serious discussion with my kids when my 9 year old asked me if we were going to try to have any more babies.  That's a bit of a tender subject.  I want more (which is why we were having another one), but this has scared me a bit.  I don't want to go through it again.  I know it's going to take a lot of faith.  And I hope I don't go crazy with anxiety and worry during the pregnancy if we get pregnant again.  I was very honest.  I told my children about my feelings.  I also explained that they could pray to ask Heavenly Father to help me, and to talk to Heavenly Father about anything they wanted and needed. 

We have talked before about how much I have prayed for help and strength through this hard time.  And we have recognized that God gave us a week with Gideon, who likely shouldn't have survived at all, and how precious that gift was.  For about 2 weeks after Gideon passed away, each of the children would nightly pray "Please tell Gideon 'Hi' from me and that we miss him."  Sometimes they still do.

So tonight, a part of my 9 year old's prayer (he still asks me to listen to his prayers at night, and in treasuring the moments, I take the time to go listen) went something like this.  "Please bless us with a little baby girl that we will get to bring home.  Or a baby boy that we will get to bring home.  Or twin girls that we can bring home.  Or twin boys that we will get to bring home.  Or any baby that we can bring home.  And please bless my Mom during the pregnancy that she will be OK and not worry too much."  Touches my heart.  I sit here and cry just thinking about it.  And I LOVE that he specified "that we will get to bring home" each time.  I know the kids feel bad that Gideon never really got to "come home".  He spent his whole life at the hospital.  And we do have great memories from the hospital, and I'm very grateful for those, but it hit home tonight just how much the kids wished we could have brought him home.  The sweetness and the sadness of that moment was very profound to me.

My treasures.  Family.  Friends.  Snuggles.  Sincere prayers that touch my heart.  Books. Scriptures.  Music.  Memories.  Learning moments.  I just feel overwhelmingly grateful for the treasures that came my way today.