My life feels like a lot like that lately. My emotions are going "Happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, sad" back and forth so fast. My parenting style keeps quickly alternating between "mellow, uptight, mellow, uptight" and my brain is going "here, there, here, there". Even my weight is starting to go "up, down, up, down, up, down" as I am trying to eat healthy, but also have a tendency to eat emotionally.
Since mid-July, our family has gone on a big family campout, attended a beautiful wedding, had a trip to Bear World in Idaho, had a baby, lost a baby, started school (kids) and started school (me). It's a lot of up and down, and it has been probably the best and worst six weeks of my life.
In this time, and through this journey I have had so much quality time with my family. And I have loved it. Even some of the sad moments have been so tender because my heart really connected with one of my children, or my spouse, or a sister, or a friend. I have had a lot of time to really think and feel and spend time with the things and people that matter most to me. And I am really grateful for that aspect of this journey.
It's also been so wonderful because so many people have served and helped us. I am the kind of person who sometimes has a hard time accepting help. OK--often has a hard time. Maybe even always I have a hard time accepting help. I have felt so much love as people have offered service, watching my kids or cleaning my house or bringing over dinner, as people have given us money, knowing we would have to unexpectedly pay for a visit to an NICU as well as a funeral, people have prayed for us, reached out to us. People have been so giving, so generous, of whatever they could. Sometimes it was just a hug and a listening ear. I have felt loved. I know that I have friends and family who love me, but I have REALLY known it over the last 6 weeks.
It's been the worst few weeks for very obvious reasons. Losing a loved one is really hard, it just is. I know everyone dies. I know everyone has lost someone they love. I know many parents have done it, and that death is a part of life. And that helps, but it also doesn't help. This was such a terrible surprise for our family, we had an idea that things were bad, but we didn't know how bad until they decided to admit me to the hospital and give me steroid shots so we could deliver the baby ASAP, and they told me his condition might be lethal. Surprise! And it was CRAZY hard to not hold him, and only to be allowed to hold him after we knew he had a very short time to live. And then to have him die in my arms. (The moment in this picture was NOT the "moment" when he died, but it was not terribly long after this picture was taken, and we knew it was coming.)
Even some of the things that help me feel happy are also sometimes the things that make me feel sad. For example, the song "Give Said the Little Stream" says
"Give" said the little stream. "Give, oh give. Give, oh give. Give" said the little stream as it hurried down the hill. "I'm small I know, but wherever I go the grass grows greener still." Singing, singing all the day "Give away, oh give away." Singing, singing all the day "Give, oh give away."If you aren't familiar with it, here's a beautiful video of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing the song, with some visuals of people giving and helping and touching lives.
My 11 year old loves that song, and pointed out to me on Gideon's last day that Gideon was like that little stream. He gave us time. He gave us tender hearts. He gave us reminders about what matters most to us. His life was small but gave so much, like the little stream. And so we sang it at Gideon's funeral, even though funerals are usually pretty sad, and it's a happy little song, and a happy little tune. And we sang it at his grave last weekend when we took flowers. And it makes me cry. I feel so happy, and I feel such longing, and I hope his life keeps giving and giving to those who love him, and I miss him, and I'm so glad that my 11 year old thought of that, and I feel a sense of pride that he found deeper meaning in a song that people often sing without even thinking of what it might mean. I hope one day to be able to sing it without it tugging at my heart strings and bringing tears to my eyes, but now is not that day.
One thing that has not been so up and down and back and forth has come because of the words of God. I hold dearer the scriptures I study, and I find so much comfort in their words. I appreciate and enjoy reading my scriptures now more than ever. Here few favorites I have read over and over during this hard time:
(New Testament) Phillipans 4:13 (of course--my favorite) "I can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me." I don't even have to read this one, I just keep reciting it to myself.
Obviously this has been a hard thing. But we're not promised that we can do most things through Christ, or that we can do anything with our own strength. That scripture promises we can do ALL things through Christ. I have appreciated the strength of Christ bearing me up. I can't tell you how many times people have told me "You are so strong. I don't know how you are handling this. I couldn't do it." It's not me. That's how.
(Old Testament) Proverbs 3:5&6 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."
People have also remarked how strong my faith is. That may be true, but it's something I have worked at for many years, and continue to work at. Faith takes effort, takes some trust. And I know some people think faith and trust in God are silly. Well, it makes me happy to trust God, it helps me to feel purpose behind this tragedy, even if I don't understand it. I truly believe this was part of God's plan for my family. I don't think I'll know why in this life, but I fully intend to keep trusting God and hoping I can feel when he is trying to direct my paths. And if people think it's silly that I'm trusting in God and it's helping me be happy, then I'm OK with that, but I sure don't think it's silly, and I'll take the happiness it brings me.
(Book of Mormon) Moroni 7:13 But behold, that which is of God inviteth and enticeth to do good continually; wherefore, every thing which inviteth and enticeth to do good, and to love God, and to serve him, is inspired of God.
Gideon inspires me to be better. His life has been an invitation for me to grow closer to God, I want it, and I need it. And I never doubted that he was from God--babies are a special gift from God, but reading that verse really rings truth to my soul. Gideon is of God. I want to be better, to do more with my life because I had him. He was from God.
(Book of Mormon) Ether 12:4 "Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, making them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God."
Ether 12 is a favorite of mine from the Book of Mormon. The prophet Mormon abridged the Book of Mormon (hence the name "Book of Mormon") from the records of other prophets. His son Moroni finished the work, and after abridging a section where a people from generation to generation grew more and more wicked and turned away from God, Moroni inserts a little treasure commentary here. He talks of faith and hope and trust in God and all the good things that the people were missing out on. I love the little tidbit about how the hope comes from faith and makes an anchor to the souls of men. I feel like I have needed an anchor. My hope for a better world, for a resurrection where Gideon's body will be whole, for Jesus being the king, that hope has been an anchor for me during this time of "happy, sad, up, down, here and there." I am so grateful for that anchor, for my hope and faith. I treasure it more, and I need it more.
So...if you have wondered how I am surviving the tossing and turning and swirling vortex of emotion, it's because I have an anchor stronger than Earth. I have had terribly sad moments. But the sadness is also sometimes overpowered by overwhelming gratitude, faith, and the feeling of connecting with people who love me. The opposition, the back and forth is often overwhelming. Having an anchor at the very least makes it less treacherous. "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
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