Not what I ordered

Today, I was having a conversation with one of my husband's sisters.  I love all my family including my in laws, and we were discussing plans for when I get to babysit for her darling daughter. (Yes I have been hanging out with a lot of babies lately.  It's not what I always do, but it really, really helps right now.  My husband thinks I'm a little crazy for wanting to be around MORE children and babies so much, but it feels terrific to me.  Anyone who has children and needs a break, THIS is the time to call me.)  I am going to get to watch her baby girl tomorrow for a few hours, and I mentioned that I would pull out our pack and play for her to sleep in, since she has started to roll.

Steph replied that she had ordered one, but it hasn't come yet.

That struck me as what had happened to me in a sense.  I had ordered a healthy baby, but it hasn't come yet.  So I said so.

Then, as I thought about it, I thought that perhaps that was a very negative way of looking at things, and that I probably just put her in one of those "How do I respond to this?!" situations. 

So I added "However, Gideon came with a healthy dose of spiritual strength.  In fact, I'm not sure I could have gotten a higher dose. "  (True.  Not sure how anybody gets more perspective all at once than from losing a dear one.  If there is a way, I don't think I want to find out...)

She said "Sometimes we order something, and when it comes, it isn't quite what we thought we wanted/ordered, but we enjoy it anyway."  Thanks, Steph!  That was a wonderful bit of perspective that I needed.

Today, when I was talking to my doctor, I told him we were doing the best we could with a sad situation and trying to find positives.  I mentioned that I had hopes that this experience with Gideon would help to keep my children a little more "grounded" during their teenage years.  He said to me that he bet it would, and that even though Gideon was only here for a little while, that doesn't mean his legacy won't just keep on going and going.  He also thought that the idea of sharing my milk with the milk-bank was a great way to pass along the good from this pregnancy and birth, keeping his legacy alive by paying it forward to another baby/babies who might need help.

It felt good to have my doctor pick up on that idea so quickly.   He understood.  I want the legacy to live on, I want him to live on through my kind acts, through the good choices my other children make when they remember him.  Through the hugs I hold onto longer because I know I should appreciate them more, because of Gideon.  I have tried to be more generous and kind, because of Gideon.  I want his life and legacy never to end; I know how much he touched my heart.  And if I can keep touching hearts, then indirectly, he touches more and more lives, like the ripples in a pond. 

I put in an order for a baby.  I got a baby.  But only for a week.  He had to be returned.  But I also got some things I didn't expect.  Things I get to keep forever, I hope.  Like a greater appreciation for everyone I love, for the time I have here on earth.  A desire to do the very best things with the time that I have here, because time on earth is precious and fleeting.  My perspective on what matters to me has deepened, and I want to remember to focus on those things I know will help me and my family to be happy, more now than ever.  I got to be the recipient of so many kind acts of love and service from friends, neighbors, and family, and I get to see the miracle of my children learning and growing from this experience too.  My friendship and love for my sweetheart has grown and deepened.  So...this isn't what I ordered, but I know that God knows what he is doing, and when he changed my order, he gave me what he knew I would need to grow and be the best person I can be.  And today, I am thankful that God changed my order.   I'd have loved it if I got to keep my original order AND got all the extra stuff too.  But really, Gideon is in my family forever, and though he is not physically here, and that sometimes makes me ache and cry, he is still my baby.  And when he is returned to me again, he won't have broken kidneys or lungs.  He'll get to grow up and run and jump and play.  Because of Jesus, Gideon will get to be resurrected whole and healthy and will be my baby, and I will get to raise him, and I am so much more aware of and grateful for that gift.

Talking to my doctor today, I was able to ask about having more children, and it felt more possible and real, and less scary than it has since Gideon was born.  When I was leaving, he told me that he hoped to see me within a year, perhaps with a positive pregnancy test.   It felt terrific to talk about it, even if I'm not brave enough within a year to make that leap.  I think I will perhaps need to be a little more "specific" about my next order. 

My James is working on that for me.  Tonight, as part of his prayer, he said "Please bless us with a baby girl that we get to keep,(pause) or a baby boy, you choose.  But please let us be able to keep it, no matter what you choose."  That sounds like a good, specific order.  And I will try to specify a little more too, perhaps the next time, the order will be what I want, as well as what I need.  Meanwhile, I'll keep growing and learning from what God gave me with that last order, even if it was not quite what I expected.