Choices

For the last week, my 3 year old, bless his soul, has begun saying something that sounds a lot like my post last week.  He is expecting perfection from himself as he tries to write the letters in his name, or color a picture, or draw something.  If it gets messed up, and his letters are kinked or curved or wobbly, he says "FAIL, FAIL, FAIL.  I hate it when I fail."  and he is so frustrated and disappointed.  If his picture doesn't turn out how he wanted it to, he sometimes throws the pencil or tells me he can't do it because he needs my help.

What a choice to make.  Do I help him write his name, so it can be perfect, the way he wants it?  I want him to know that I will help him, but I also want him to know that I believe that he can do it.  AND I don't expect him to do it perfectly, and he shouldn't either.  I want him to know that I love and support him, and I want him to learn to do this by himself.  One thing I know for sure, I have told him he should quit saying "fail" because he has not failed by making a mistake.  It's OK to goof, that's not a "fail" unless you don't learn.  

I am still teetering back and forth on what to do to help him learn.  Each moment, I try to gauge whether it is more helpful to step in and help, or let him try again, whether I should encourage him to erase and fix the mistakes or to let him know that he tried and it's good enough that he doesn't need to erase. I have tried encouraging him to try again.  I have told him that it's OK if the letters aren't perfect.  He's got small hands and muscles that aren't used to this.  We erase and try again.  I point out the parts that he did so well, and tell him good job.  But he often looks at it and again says "Fail, fail, fail."

And I see me.  I see me in his actions and words.  Sometimes, when I goof, or when I look back at what happened with Gideon, it all seems like "Fail, fail, fail."  And because of my perspective now in dealing with Hyrum, I see Heavenly Father wanting me to know that it's OK that I don't do everything perfectly, and sometimes maybe not helping me as much as I'd like, because I need to learn and grow from this, and I CAN learn and grow from this.  (I do feel His help and inspiration often, truly the idea for this blog post felt like inspiration from God--His reminder that He's there and He knows and cares what's happening with me.)  It's OK if I am not perfect.  It's OK if my heart and mind aren't used to this.  I can erase and try again sometimes, and sometimes I have to just let it be good enough.  I can't erase what happened with Gideon.  I can't go back and NEVER forget to take my prenatal, I can't go back and decide to spend the few nights I did have with him on earth in the hospital with him.  But I can quit telling myself "Fail, fail, fail."

It seems so dramatic when Hyrum says it, and the first time, I was so surprised, I almost laughed because it was completely out of the blue.  He is VERY serious about it.  From my point of view, I can see that it's wonderful that he's trying so hard, and cares so much, and I'm glad he wants to be better, and I know that with practice he will be one day.

And I'm sure God looks down as I struggle through my feelings, and maybe it's the same.  Maybe He thinks it's wonderful that I'm trying so hard, and that I care so much, and He knows that with practice, I will be better one day.  And maybe my thoughts of "I'm not good enough" and "maybe I really didn't want this baby" are not too much different than the dramatic "FAIL, FAIL, FAIL" that my Hyrum says when he makes a mistake.  I am so serious about it, but it's really not as sad and as awful as I am seeing right this minute.

Several of you (thank you all so much for your love and support) sent me messages or comments about my last, very heavy post.  In particular, the one thing that has helped me the most is that I need to choose.  I can't choose what thoughts pop into my head (fail, fail, fail), but I can choose whether to give them any heed or not.  I can't choose to have Gideon here with me, but I can choose what to do with this situation, to work hard and learn, to busy myself with good things that help me feel better, to talk with my family about what is most important, to share what I am learning.  I can choose to seek God's help more when I'm struggling.

Yesterday, I felt a sense of "A-HA!" as I heard Hyrum say "Fail, fail, fail", and I explained that he hasn't failed if he messed up when he was writing his letters, that everyone has crooked letters when they are learning to write, and that practice will help.  The realization that this was so relevant to my own situation was like being hit with cold water--it got my attention very suddenly.  In that moment, I felt the Holy Ghost telling me that what I had just told my son was truth, and the truth resonated inside me as my own words echoed in my head.

So, I choose not to see it as "fail, fail, fail".  I choose to see it as a way to learn and grow, and to know that I will get stronger and better with time and practice, just as my little boy will be much better at writing and coloring with time and practice.  God knows me, and He's there, wanting me to succeed, wanting me to grow and learn, and I hope that I am slowly becoming what He knows I can become.