So I am impressed at all the wonderful things people have done for Jesus by serving us.
I have received beautiful blankets and quilts made with love by friends of mine who want me to have something to remember my baby with. One was made before he passed away, and that blanket was part of every snuggle, every time I held him. My friend made a small and a large one, and I sleep with the large one on nights when I really miss him. The feel of it reminds me of holding my baby, and it's such a treasure. Sometimes when I've been holding it all in, I pick up that blanket, and brush my face against it, and the emotion leaps up and out. It is good to have something that feels like him, even though I ache for him when I snuggle it.
It's the blue and brown one that Gideon's arm is touching in this picture.
A niece of mine wrote a beautiful poem for us, and gave it to me on the day of his funeral. I want to make sure it's OK with her before I post it on my blog, but it touched both mine and Scott's hearts.
People have brought in meals. Good, healthy food, that I didn't have to prepare, enough said.
My sisters in law came and cleaned my house. Really cleaned it--my fridge was cleaned out, laundry caught up, windows, walls, you name it. Beautiful! And during my pregnancy, when I was so sick, I had the help of several women and young women who also served me by helping clean my home, I don't know if I can count the times my mother has come and helped catch me up on laundry folding and sorting and etc.
Many people have watched our children for us when we needed it, and have continued to help watch Hyrum for me when I am in class. (School is helping me a lot, by the way. I feel less "broken" when I am there learning and working hard.)
One dear friend of mine has ironed for me a few times in the last 2 months. She came over, got whatever needed to be ironed, and returned some AWESOME looking shirts to us. Even my young boys were impressed. (I detest ironing, and so their shirts are not very often looking so crisp and neat.)
Many others have brought us treats. It's a funny thing, the whole "sugar makes life better" mindset that we have. It's true though, when you give a kid a shot in the leg, you just have to give them a lollipop after, and all is well. So people are proverbially trying to soothe our "booboo" with some sugar. This is a good and bad thing, when I am trying to lose the last few pounds of pregnancy weight, but my kids LOVE it, and it's like Christmas for them, even more so when I only eat one of the treats and let them have the rest.
Speaking of Christmas for them, a friend of mine knew that we would need back to school supplies, and looked up their lists and bought everything for them. She doesn't live close so she mailed them to us in several boxes. She put their names on it, and made them each a personal note wishing them luck in whatever grade they were entering. And she even thought to give Hyrum some crayons and coloring books so he would feel part of the excitement. It was like Christmas when we opened those packages up.
Many people have been generous financially, knowing we would have medical bills to pay and funeral expenses as well. We have been given money, gift cards, and services to help us to be able to make it through and keep our financial stability.
Knowing that I love plants, I have been given several plants both for in the house and out of the house which I can see and be reminded of Gideon, and how he still lives, just not right here with me right now.
One wonderful neighbor of mine is going to make a memory book of Gideon's pictures for me. She is very good at it, and I know it will be a beloved keepsake.
Family members have brought us over for meals or just for some fun family time, where we could enjoy good company without having to clean up or worry about hosting, and gave us some wonderful fun memories.
Many people have sent us cards and messages, letting us know that they are thinking about us, praying for us, and hoping for our happiness. Many of the messages have helped us to cope, to gain perspective, or just to feel understood and loved. So many people put their hearts into it, and prayed for our well being, I feel like this was not just my baby, it was everybody's baby. I know many of you are mourning with us, and supporting us through this hard time.
Even complete strangers have given us kindnesses. A few days ago, we were at a car show, and I was approached by someone who was participating in a "pay it forward" type thing, who gave us a $40 gift card, and told us to find a way to pay a kindness forward to another person.
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Today, in the mail, I got a package with a beautiful baby quilt. It had a lovely, personal letter written from a friend of mine who used to live close, but doesn't anymore. I can tell she put a lot of thought into it. She designed each square with light and dark colors, to show both the happy and sad times, our blessings and our burdens. She put musical notes on the quilt, in the lighter fabric, because music is such a blessing to me, and has helped me through this trial. She put red in the center, to show the heart at the center of our home. She remarked that she sometimes wished she could fix everything, and we had the same wish. She also mentioned that she knows that's not how it works (just having everything fixed all better.) We still sometimes wish it--can't we just fix everything? Everyone be healthy? Be immune to hard times and struggles? We need struggles to grow, though.
In trying to be healthy and do things to help myself feel happy, I have been walking a little bit more, and have thought a few times about this concept. Our muscles don't grow unless we work them hard enough that they have to break down and form anew. There has to be some burn, some pain. Then our body decides we need the extra muscle and reforms it with more efficient, awesome cells to help us do what we need. Weight bearing exercises help our bone structure to be stronger. And for sure, this has been a "weight bearing exercise" for our family. There are times when it hurts and it feels like my chest is being squeezed. It's not so much hard to breathe as it is surprising that I still can breathe easily despite the tightness in my chest. It's heavy to carry sometimes. But our muscles are growing. And we have people helping ease the pain and weight by sharing so much love and kindness with us. When I was in high school, the fastest I ever ran the mile was when a friend of mine (who ran a lot and a mile was no biggie to him) ran with me and cheered me on and encouraged me to keep running, even when I wanted to stop and walk. I think maybe this is like that.
I hope to be able to put these blankets and quilts to use with another baby in the future after I have had some recovery time. I am so grateful to have them, to be able to feel love through something I can touch and keep and look at and snuggle with.
I was talking with a dear friend of mine who pointed out that having a common experience gives us the chance to bond with people in a way we couldn't before. For example, once you become a mom, it's like being part of the "mommy club" where there is an immediate level of understanding of certain issues, things you experienced while pregnant, etc. I have found that I am immediately closer with women I know who have also lost a baby, and do feel drawn to those who have similar experiences. I appreciate their understanding, and taking time to talk with me about their feelings and thoughts, and helping our family. I hope to be able to make friends I perhaps wouldn't have from this experience. I appreciate them sharing and reaching out to me with an understanding that only they can have, having gone through it themselves. That small tidbit helps me to be grateful to have had this experience, hoping that some day, I will be able to help someone else through it, if needed.
I just feel so loved, so blessed by so many people. I feel overwhelmed at the thought of paying all of this forward, but also excited for the challenge to pass on the love and kindness to others. I hope to be more sympathetic to others in need, like people have been to me, to be kind and helpful and responsive, and to be able to be as thoughtful in giving as people have been to us. Truly, you who have shown us kindnesses, think of how cool it would be for you to have made a blanket for Jesus, to have brought a meal to Jesus, to have given a hug and a kind word to Jesus when he felt like he was carrying a huge burden, etc. I have been blessed by so many of his disciples, and hope to bless others to be more like him, to give more like he would give. I hope to be able to touch people's hearts and make them feel as loved as I have felt in the last few weeks. Know that my heart swells regularly as I feel the love of many others, and that I am so blessed by so many of you.
I know the Savior felt all our sadnesses and burdens, but I hope he also got to experience all of our joys and feelings of relief, happiness, and love, because he deserves it. If that is part of the "inasmuch as ye have done it to the least of these my brethren" deal, you should all know that Jesus feels so grateful for your love, prayers, thoughtfulness, and kindness.
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