Black and white

Rough day.  I don't have words for why it was hard, it just was.  Some of that is regular Mommy hard times, kids fighting, homework battles, not knowing what to make for dinner, having more things to do than I have time for, etc.  It is just compounded when my emotions are this high. 

We got the CD with pictures taken by a professional photographer at Primary Children's Hospital.  (FYI, there is a great program called "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" where people volunteer their services to come take pictures for a family losing a child.  What a sweet gift.  Our photographer donated her time and talents to come to the hospital and take these for us, fairly last minute, this was his last day with us.)  This was the first and only time my children got to hold their brother.  That is sad, and it hurts to say it that way, but it was a miracle that they got to hold him.  The doctors and nurses worried that his little body wouldn't handle it well, which is why I hadn't been allowed to hold him until the previous evening.  And he did SO good being passed between people.  There was one point when his oxygen dropped crazy low (it got all the way down into the 40s), and we thought we were going to lose him then, but they cleaned his breathing tube, and he pulled out of it and we got to snuggle him more.  The fact that we even have pictures of Gideon is a HUGE miracle and a huge blessing to our family.  Gideon's color was pretty off because his kidneys weren't functioning, and so she opted to do a lot of black and white.

I thought how relevant this was for me today.  Not everything is black and white.  Not every decision is clear cut.  Not every answer is plain.  We don't have the answers to every question, but we can still hope and trust and try our best.  So I am sharing a few black and white treasures today.

Of all my kids, James has struggled the most with losing Gideon.  He has a very tender heart, and I LOVE this picture!  I just think it captures him so well.  He liked the feel of Gideon's skin on his face, if you notice, he's not so much kissing as he is brushing his lips on Gideon's soft head.

 

 

 Poor little dude, the breathing tube was pulling on his upper lip a bit in this picture.

 Hyrum was fascinated by Gideon's tiny hands.  And tiny everything else.

I am fascinated by his tiny hands too. 

They motivate me to practice the piano. 

This picture makes me think: "He's got the itty, bitty baby in his hands, He's got the itty, bitty baby in his hands, He's got the itty, bitty baby in his hands, He's got the whole world in his hands."  And he does.  And I miss Gideon, but I know God has everything "in his hands".  (And singing that song in my head made me feel better today.)

I just noticed, it looks like he is waving goodbye.  So I put this picture at the end.  Here are my thoughts about this picture.  His body had suffered so much, and even though I wasn't ready for him to go, I think he was more than ready, and hung on so we could have these pictures and the memories of the special day we had with him as a family--his last day.  Such a sweet thing to do for his family.  I love my Gideon.