A hard day

I am trying to be open and honest in here about the good and the bad.  

Today was hard.  

I started college classes today.  My older 3 children had started school a week and a half ago, and my house felt so quiet with just one child home, and he keeps mentioning Gideon, he is used to having siblings around, and it has been difficult for us both to adjust.  I decided to go ahead and register for classes to get us both out of the house a little more.  And i was excited this morning as I drove to Ogden for my Music for Elementary Teachers class.  

And then it started.  Silly humanity, the natural inclination to judge.  Second guessing.  The guilt.  As I drove to school, I wondered if I was doing the right thing.  I wondered if I am running away from the sadness by being busy doing school.  I felt guilty for feeling happy and excited about attending school.  I wondered if I somehow chose school over my son, and that's why he's not here.  I wondered if I should be spending the time away from my 3 year old, instead of just keeping him close.  The self doubt, the wondering, the beating myself up about it.  And I had to tell myself to stop.  I had to remind myself of a beautiful sermon given a few months ago by an apostle from my church.  His name is Dieter F. Uchtdorf, and he talked about being merciful, and about not judging others.  Including ourselves.  His words echoed as I told myself to "stop it."

The talk is seriously so good.  So if you need a refresher, or haven't seen it, please go listen to it.
Dieter F. Uchtdorf's lesson "The Merciful Obtain Mercy"

One of my sister in laws watched Hyrum for me today.  She was also watching my youngest niece, who is about 4 months old.  When I arrived to pick up my son, I wanted to hold her.  So I washed my hands and picked her up.  And it hit. So. Hard.  She smelled like my baby.  If it hit like a wave, it was definitely a tsunami.  I had to fight tears.  And then I was mad at myself (again) because I don't want to feel any sad or pain when I hold my nieces or nephews.  I just want to rejoice in who they are.  And again, I had to tell myself to "stop it".  It's OK for me to want my son, and to miss him.  It's going to be hard and it's going to be harder in some moments, especially when a wash of memories hits like that.   AND it's also OK for me to work harder on finding the joy in the child I am holding.  I kept her in my arms.  I talked to her and got her to smile, and I enjoyed holding her.  Moment conquered.  But it had surprised me how hard it was to have that moment.  I was not prepared for how hard it would be, because I have always enjoyed holding any baby, but especially any that belong to family members.  Thankfully, her name personifies happiness--her middle name is Joy.  :)

Another hard thing about today was that we got Gideon's death certificates in the mail.  It's not like it's news.  I know he's dead.  I helped put the lid on the coffin (a VERY hard moment for me).  But seeing a death certificate for my child when I haven't seen his birth certificate made me feel another surprise wave of sadness that I wasn't anticipating.

Being thankful in all things, I have been blessed today (again) by the kindness of people here on earth who are in tune with the things I need on hard days.  A friend of mine brought me flowers today, and said she didn't know why, but she really felt like I needed them today.  (And I did.)  Another friend of mine yesterday had given me a story she wanted me to read, and some thoughts of hers.  I didn't get to it yesterday, but today I picked it up, and it was a story of an "out of body" type experience someone had, where they could see and spoke with some of the spirits in heaven.  It helped me to remember that Gideon truly is in a better place, and that he is not lonely, and that God has good things for him to do there.  Another friend of mine texted me tonight and offered to do some ironing for me (a house job I really loathe), but the service and kindness made me happy.  Thanks to all the angels on earth who have served our family in this tough time.  

We watched Pollyanna today (a favorite of mine--haven't seen it in years and I was reminded today of why I love it so much), and at the end, I cried (and notice now it is raining--sorry everyone local, it seems the heavens and I are on a schedule.  If I cry, they cry.  If they cry, I cry.)  When the reverend says to Polly "We ought to kneel down and thank the Lord that she came to this town." I felt it.  TRUTH.  I am thankful for Gideon's visit.  And I do thank the Lord often that Gideon came to our home and into our lives.  He has made us better people.  The other part that made me cry was when the whole town comes in with gifts and kind words, and they fill up the ground level of Polly's house.  I have felt like that.  Like so many wonderful people have been coming to shower us with kindness, and have been sharing in our trial and our grief with us.  I truly hope you are sharing in our joy too.  

This is not a journey to find joy.  There is joy IN the journey (hence the blog title).  There are hard days.  Sadness sometimes sweeps me off my feet or kicks me in the shins and surprises me.  I really miss my boy.  But I do know that he is where God planned for him to be.  And I absolutely believe that God knows what he's doing to help each person be their best, happiest self.  I rejoice in his plan for my family.  I rejoice that I have the truth of the gospel in my life, and that now, more than ever, I am reading his words and seeking his spirit.  I am giving up the things that don't matter and taking extra moments to hug a little longer, and express love more openly.  I know how fragile life is.  My husband has said "I think if I could see all that God sees, and see the end results, I'd probably be shouting from the rooftops for joy at this experience."  I'm not quite that joyful, but I am finding joy and seeing good in this journey.