ETHAN:
During the hard week when Gideon was in the hospital, I'd come home in the evening before bed and spend time with my kids. This gave them the chance to sleep in their own beds, me to sleep in my own bed, and for us to still have some family time (almost--Gideon was not with us here...ever.) I'd tell the kids what the doctors had told us, and how Gideon was doing. During the last 2 days, when our updates and information was pretty bleak, we'd talk, and cry. And then Ethan would turn on America's Funniest Home Videos, so we could have a good laugh. It was odd how therapeutic it was, and the way he coped with the sadness, by getting it out and then moving on to laughter. Since then, during our sad moments, he is inserting happy into the situation by turning on Disney music, or other upbeat fun tunes. Laughter and good music really can be so healing and therapeutic, and I love that it has been a coping strategy for him.
JAMES:
This morning, James woke up early and came to get a snuggle in our bed. He said to me something like "Mom, it seems like after someone dies, we just need a little more love. It helps me feel better." I think he hit the nail right on the head. I have needed extra hugs. The kids have needed extra hugs (and that works out well with my need for extra hugs.) We are better about consoling each other, even the kids sometimes see each other struggling and reach out to give a hug or read a story or find something to help. (Don't worry--they still fight like normal siblings.) We have encouraged communicating when one of us really has a need, whether it's "I need a hug." or "I don't feel like I can talk about this right now, I'm not ready." And I think they are getting better at it, and about not judging each other for crying or not crying, or needing a hug or needing a laugh. This is a favorite picture of mine from the day we got to spend with Gideon in the hospital. It captures the spirit of "needing a little more love" very well I think. We all knew Gideon was going to die, and it was his last day. Of course it was a struggle, and our emotions were very tender that day.
ALYDIA:My daughter said something when I was pregnant that had made me think a lot since then. Of course, being the only girl, she hoped for a sister. On the day we found out that Gideon was going to be a boy, I talked with her about it. She had a very sweet answer. "I'm still happy that he's a boy. It just might have been a little easier to be happy if he was a sister." It feels like such a long time ago that we had that conversation. I loved what she said, and I agreed with her, having hoped for a daughter myself. And now, as I look back, I think I was ridiculous. If I am blessed to get to have another baby, and people ask what I am hoping for, I'm going to tell them "a healthy baby." And...the truth of it is: I'm still happy that we had a Gideon. It just might have been a little easier if he was still here.
HYRUM: (He is so wise, he gets two paragraphs.)
Trying to quote what he had heard others tell him, he said to me today "You don't get what you get, and then you throw a fit." I thought that it was a perfect way to describe how I felt on the day Gideon passed away. I didn't get what I got (Gideon) and then I threw a fit. I didn't really ever throw anything--but I sure felt upset and wronged and full of disappointment. And there were moments when I did feel like throwing stuff, or throwing up. Of course the saying actually goes "you get what you get, and you don't throw a fit". It's hard to not "throw a fit" sometimes, but I am trying to accept what we have been given, and know that God is in charge. I don't understand why this happened, but I do know that God does. Isaiah 55:8 says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord." And it is getting a little easier day by day to accept that without the desire to throw a fit.
Hyrum looked down at his arm today, and said "Mom, the scab is going away! Why do scabs come off?" Now this might not mean much to anyone, but it did to me today. I explained that our bodies can heal our hurt spots, and scabs shrink and come off. Sometimes they leave scars or tender spots, but scabs don't stay on forever. And I thought about my own healing. And I think that the scabs are coming off. I can talk about Gideon and not cry. Not every time. But I am getting better at it. There is still a lot of tenderness, and I think the scars will always be there. It will hurt sometimes. But it's not an open wound like it used to be. And I feel like I am getting better at being able to see the good that is coming from our loss--the closeness of our family, our dedication to God. So many people are praying for us, and I know it's helping me to have peace. I still feel like I am surfing on a tidal wave of prayer and love from so many people around me, and I am so grateful for the love, prayers, and strength being lent to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment