Constructive outlets

Holding Gideon for the first time

 

This is Gideon Daniel Chase.  Our little warrior.  His battle was short, but no less important, and I am hoping through this blog to share some of my feelings and things I am learning as I try to gain perspective from what has happened to our family. I hope it will add to the meaning of his life, and help me to remember to be better. It is very hard to have already had to send this baby back to Heavenly Father, and I often ache to have him close.  I love the above picture, because it was taken the very first time I got to hold him.  He was 6 days old.  We knew he was not going to live long. I was thrilled beyond belief when the nurse asked if I wanted to hold him, and how good it felt to have him near me.  I didn't want to let him go.  In hindsight, I wish I'd have just stayed all night with him.  I was trying to take care of myself, and my other children, but knowing how much I ache to hold him, I'd have stayed and held him for longer.  I'd have asked the nurses earlier on if I could hold him.  He was so fragile, and they worried so much about moving him more than necessary.  It was hard to see my child and be afraid to touch him, to ask to pick him up.  And it felt so good to be able to hold him close and feel his little head against mine and have him hold my finger.  It made me appreciate more what I was able to have with my other babies: the chance to hold them shortly after birth, to see them have their first bath, to nurse them all night, to bring them home with me from the hospital.  I never realized before just how good I had it, until Gideon came and taught me to appreciate it. 

 

I want this to be a constructive outlet as something I can do when I miss him.  Writing about what I learn, what I feel, and what I am doing may help me, and hopefully it will help others, and keep his life meaningful.  This has been and continues to be a difficult journey.

One thing I have begun to do more of is to play the piano.  Look at his beautiful fingers.  I saw those gorgeous hands and long fingers, and I wanted for him to learn to play piano.  And I won't get the chance to teach him for a long time.  So before he passed away, I promised him that I would get good enough to play Hungarian Rhapsody #2 by Franz Liszt.  (It is mega hard.)  And that when we are resurrected and together, I will teach him to play.  He had the potential to do great things with those tiny hands, but not enough time on earth.  But I have time here, and I'm going to choose to use it to expand my talents.  I have Gideon's picture right on top of the piano, and as I play I can see him just above me, and it motivates me to keep learning and working hard to do what he won't get to do for many years.  It helps me to feel connected to him.

The problem with playing more is that sometimes I play my feelings out, and James especially picks up on the emotions I am feeling.  There is a Beethoven Sonata that has become my "Gideon song", because it expresses such a rollercoaster of happy, sad, energetic, panicky, calm, and it feels like what I felt like during the last weeks of my pregnancy and during the week of his life.  Sometimes the doctors seemed hopeful, other times not at all.  Some moments were intensely sad, and others crazy exciting--he almost died several times, and those moments were always terrifying.  When I first checked in at the hospital, they began monitoring him for several hours, and it felt like his steady heartbeat was all I could hold on to for comfort.  I hoped that it meant he would be steady and strong and come out OK.  There are spots in the song that remind me of the sound of a steady heartbeat.  Anyhow, this song fits so well the emotions of that time.  One night as I was practicing, James came upstairs completely in tears, he could feel all that I was pouring into the song.  I had never told any of my kids that it reminded me of Gideon, but he was feeling it.  He was crying and told me he really missed Gideon.  Sonata Pathetique opus 13 is my Gideon song.  It is a challenge to learn, but I will need the challenge to accomplish the ultimate goal of Hungarian Rhapsody #2. 

Beethoven: Pathetique Sonata opus 13  I hope this link works: if you want to hear it, try this.  (Our computer was having issues and wouldn't play sound--yes I had the speakers turned on-- so I don't know if the link truly works.)

And speaking of challenges and ultimate goals: even though losing my baby has not been my favorite challenge in life, in fact it is safe to say this is one of my least favorite challenges to deal with, I do feel strongly that it was chosen for our family to help us accomplish our ultimate goal of celestial glory and returning to live with and be like our Heavenly Father.  I have already seen changes, in the way I understand the scriptures, in the way I deal with my children, in my NEED to have the spirit as my companion.  I raise my voice less, I am more insistent on the children not fighting, and I am much more diligent in training them how to solve problems without raising their voices or getting contentious.  I read my scriptures more, I seek the Lord more often.  I am motivated now, more than ever, to keep my covenants and be the best, so I can be good enough to be with my baby again.