Job

In today's Sunday school lesson, we talked about Job.  I do not even mean ever to compare myself to Job.  He had it way worse than we do.  And I fear that ever comparing myself to him means that I'll end up with some more severe trials--loss of house, losing another child, etc.  That has become a huge fear of mine now, I guard my remaining children more carefully, and the thought of losing another one makes me feel both sick and terrified at the same time.  So I am careful never to believe that I am like Job.    I have, though, marvelled at his faith, his ability to see things in perspective, and have thought about how I want to be like him, without having to actually be like him and endure all that he endured, and suffer the way he suffered.

A few examples.  When Scott and I were first told, right after our final ultrasound that our baby's condition might be "lethal" (a word I have come to REALLY dislike--the exact word chosen by the person who gave us the news), I remember feeling a horrid sinking feeling, but also a feeling that I needed to keep it all in perspective to make it through.  I did not want to be the "curse God and die" type person, or even the person who questioned why the Lord would send us a trial such as this.  I have tried very hard to both trust the Lord completely, and also to recognize his hand in the things that are happening in my family.  It is not always easy, but I have seen God's hand as I have looked for it, and know he has been here through the journey. At Gideon's funeral, I talked about miracles that I have witnessed along the journey of my pregnancy with him, and miracles during the week we had him.  

Job said to his friends: Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him (Job 13:15).  He also said "The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away: blessed be the name of the Lord (Job 1: 21).  Job seemed to have this awesome and perfect trust in the Lord, knowing that his wealth and his children and his blessings were never his anyway, always belonging to the Lord.  When I remember that Gideon was not ever mine to begin with, that God loaned him for me for only a week, it is easier to deal with the loss. 

I know that God knew that cuddles and snuggles and holding my baby are of huge importance to me.  I feel like the Lord gave me a miracle when he gave me a week with my son who had so many health problems.  And like Job, I have a firm belief in the resurrection (check out Job 19: 25 & 26)  I know that because of Jesus, I will see my baby again.  In the flesh.   And I hope that my strong testimony, like Job's, can help me through the rough times.  I am sure that Job's firm faith was a huge help to him, especially knowing that his children would be resurrected and that though they were lost to him now, they were not lost to him forever, if he would endure and keep doing what God wanted.

The thing is, when we read Job, we usually read the 1st 2 chapters, and chapter 19, and then skip to chapter 42 where the ending is.  Do you know why?  Because his journey is so despairing.  He has his strong moments, his assertions of faith and strength.  But there are horrible, sad moments too.  His friends, his wife, they all try to help, and they don't know what to say, and they say the wrong things.  People--his own friends even, misjudge him, they assume he has done some awful things to deserve what has happened.  He goes through some pretty depressing times, even though he knows he is in God's hands, and he knows that he will see his redeemer, and he trusts God, it doesn't stop him from sometimes wondering and feeling down.  It's a rough journey.  It's a ton of up and down.  We tend to focus on Job's strengths, his testimony (and I hope people will show me the same kindness), but it doesn't mean he didn't struggle majorly with all that he had to go through.  And I struggle many times too, in ways similar to the ways he did.

He had moments when he wished for the way things used to be.  Job 29:2 says "Oh that I were as in months past, as in the days when God preserved me".  All of chapter 29 is a looking back at the good times chapter, wishing for how things were.  I wish like that too.  I wish I was still pregnant with a baby who was kicking and moving strongly, for the time when I could hold him, or even just touch him through his special incubator type bed, even if it was in the NICU. 

There were moments when Job felt like he couldn't find God.  He knew God was there, but felt like God was hiding from him (Job 23:8&9).  He felt like the Lord wasn't listening to his prayers. Job says in Job 30:20 "I cry unto thee and thou dost not hear me."  Sometimes I wondered why God had chosen not to answer our prayers, and the prayers of many others, that Gideon would be healed and well.   I do trust though, that God is in charge, and like Job, he has blessings in store for us.  I trust that God had reasons for not healing Gideon.  I know that Gideon was a special spirit, and that most likely, he was too good for earth, and that makes me feel privileged to have been his mother.  It has taken a little while for me to feel like that, to lose that sinking feeling.  I'm sure in hindsight, Job probably felt "special" that he had been trusted enough by the Lord that he was chosen to bear so many trials and then was given so many blessings at the end of his story.  But his journey was still discouraging and hard.

At the end of our lesson today, the kind man who taught it came up to me and apologized if the lesson was hard for me, and told me that he hoped I didn't feel like he had belittled our trial in any way by discussing Job.  In no way was I offended or hurt or did I feel belittled.  I have thought of Job often, even as we were just beginning this trial, and I appreciated the discussion we had today, because I learned something super awesome.  

Trust is different than love.  Trust is in some ways greater than love.  God trusted me enough to have this trial.  I know he loves me, I never doubt it.  I know he wants me to be happy.  I know he's in charge of everything, and that he has chosen what we need to bear.  And I am glad he trusted me enough to choose this one for me.  I am glad he chose us to have Gideon be our son. 

I do hope he doesn't trust me as much as he trusted Job, though.