I never intended to speak at my own child’s funeral. I never intended to plan and carry out my own child’s funeral. But because of all people on earth, I spent the most time with him, I wanted you to be able to know Gideon like I knew him, and understand the miracles that surrounded his life. I believe in miracles.
I knew I was pregnant before I knew I was pregnant. At night, a voice came to me and said “Mommy, I’m coming.” I knew a very special child was on his way. That was a miracle. Especially as the news at the doctor’s visits grew worse, I was glad to know he was really coming. At my last doctor visit, my hope was nearly popped like a balloon when they told us that his kidneys were likely damaged enough for it to be lethal. Scott & I cried and prayed together.
This labor was one of the hardest and longest for me. I was stunned and horrified when he was delivered and they whisked our baby to the NICU and about 15 minutes later, they came in to tell us that they had been doing chest compressions and trying to resuscitate our baby, with no luck so far. Again, we prayed. I do not know that there have been many times in my life when I have prayed harder than at that moment, when I prayed for his life. I prayed to have time with him. I was asking for a miracle. I also prayed to be able to accept the Lord’s will.
And thus began our “miracle week”. I prayed so diligently each day for a miracle. I wanted him to live. I wanted to hold him. I wanted him to have a whole, healthy body and live with our family. Miracles came, as I’ve stepped back, I’ve been able to recognize them.
On Sunday, he survived a risky transfer from one hospital to another, and a surgery to drain his kidneys and fluid pockets in his body. I got to touch his little head and feet for the first time. I have never rejoiced so much in every tiny movement, in the power of touch as I have during the last week.
On Monday, he survived each of his siblings coming to see him and say “hi”. (And we survived too, which is sort of a miracle of it’s own.) I had prayed and hoped that at least his sister and brothers would be able to have memories of seeing him. I got that miracle.
Medical science is a miracle. The doctors, nurses, and equipment that they use to save lives and sustain lives and improve lives are all amazing. Scott and I went to see Gideon each day, and he was beautiful. I loved how I felt when I was near him. He always made me feel so good. I couldn’t hold him yet, but I could feel him. He helped me to feel really happy. Again, I feel like that is a miracle. I miss that now that he’s not here with me on earth.
By Wednesday afternoon, they had tried most everything they could think of. His body was retaining fluid rather than getting it out like it should. His small lungs were being pressured by all the fluid outside them. So they turned up the pressure on his ventilator to compensate. It was keeping him oxygenated, but his lungs began to show signs of damage. The doctors told us he was not going to make it. They warned us that time was limited to days, maybe a week. Scott gave him a blessing with consecrated oil, but the Holy Ghost did NOT prompt Scott to promise our son that he would be better. And I cried. I hadn’t seen his eyes. I had never held him. My milk had just come in. I wanted this baby to live, and I wanted him to live NOW.
Thursday, we spent most of the day at the hospital. We talked with each of his doctors. We spent time talking and singing to Gideon. Gideon opened his eyes and looked at us. And Scott and our good bishop gave him a name and a blessing. That blessing was a miracle to me. While I still hoped for the miracle of his being healed and having a perfect little body, I had been trying to align my will with whatever Heavenly Father wanted for our family, and especially for Gideon. As the Spirit directed Scott, Gideon was told that his life, though short, had so much meaning, and would continue to influence others. And he was told that Gideon’s life was enough and he had done what he needed to do. I can’t explain the many emotions I felt. That evening, another miracle happened. Out of the blue, the resident of the evening shift asked me “Would you like to hold your son?” I was thrilled and I cried. My body had craved this ever since he was born. I got to hold him. Scott’s parents in South Africa were able to face time with us as I held him for the first time, and see their grandson alive. That day, holding him, feeling the spirit as the Lord directed Scott to bless our baby, seeing his eyes, and modern technology that allowed us to connect with people far away were miracles.
Friday was a beautiful family day full of miracles. We got to have a one week birthday party for Gideon. The kids came and we sang. When we sang songs to him, his oxygen levels went up, so they could turn down the percentage of oxygen he was receiving through his ventilator. I learned that he loves music, and that it’s good for him. Each of my children got to touch him, kiss him, hold him, which the doctors worried that all that jostling might be the end for him, but he did very well. We got to take pictures as a family, which was not something I was sure we would get the chance to do. And Gideon sustained eye contact with Scott and I each for a few moments as he looked between us. He fought to stay alive for that week. To give me the chance to see his eyes and to hold him. To give his siblings memories with him and to give our family the chance to take pictures so we will have these treasured memories forever. His body was so swollen. His life in a body that wasn’t functioning was his gift to us, to give us something tangible to have here on earth before he left to go to paradise.
I realized after he passed that the miracle I wanted the most: for him to have a healthy, happy body--is promised to me already. It is a guaranteed thing. I was asking and praying for something that is already part of the plan Heavenly Father has for all of his children. We ALL get to be resurrected because Jesus lived on the earth, and died for all of us, and was resurrected. I don’t know that I have ever appreciated that gift more than now.
I am not excited for the wait. I miss him. Baby clothes and diapers make me cry. Kind people who serve our family make me cry. But I am SO HAPPY. I have a child who was so good, that he didn’t need to stay. My child whose spirit was strong enough to speak to me before he was born is doing whatever Heavenly Father needs him to do up in heaven. My child WILL have that perfect body. Our family will be together forever, because we were sealed in the temple and we continue to work hard and try to be the people Heavenly Father wants us to be.
There have been times when I felt like this was more than I could bear. My all time FAVORITE scripture is Phillipians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me.” Another favorite that I have relied upon is in the Book of Mormon in Mosiah 24. The Nephite people were enslaved by the Lamanites and were being given very heavy burdens to bear and very bad treatment. In verse 15 it says “the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.” The Lord helped their burdens to not FEEL heavy, but the burdens were still there. I am not to the point where I feel cheerful or patient. I want my baby now, and I likely have to wait many years. But there are many moments when my burden does not feel so heavy, and I feel the Lord’s strength helping me. The gospel plan gives me joy and happiness that I have been blessed to have such a special child join our family, even if he only came for a few days to give me the chance to hold him.
Heavenly Father knows me. He knows the reminders I needed, and he heard my prayers. He sent me reminders of people who have passed from this life already, that will be with my son. He gave us Gideon alive for a week. And he will give us Gideon again, whole and perfect. And I am glad to know his plan, to have the scriptures to study from and learn. I am grateful for the privilege of being Gideon’s mother here and forever.
Thanks Katie your the best.
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