Christmas thoughts and feelings that I am finally putting into words

The last few months have been filled with moments when I and the people around me do not have any words to say.  I do not even think the word "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" would work here, and it's supposed to be ideal when you don't know what to say. 

I know that it has been several days since Christmas, and perhaps my post is a little late, but I have not known how to put into words all my thoughts and feelings.  I want to share, but sometimes there just aren't the right words to share.

I have seen lots of people on the bandwagon of "it's been a great year" videos on Facebook.  And I have even smiled as I have viewed a few of people's videos, but mostly I just feel sad.  Sometimes it seems really unfair that the world keeps turning when you are going through something really hard.  Life keeps moving, even when you want it to stop.  I don't expect everyone to be sad with me, I don't expect their lives to all experience upheaval just because mine has.  But I feel a little left out.  My year was great in ways, but very terrible in others. 

For the first time in my life, I have understood why some people hate the Christmas holiday season.  I do not hate it myself, but I think I can understand why it is hard for many people, because it's now really hard for me too.  I still love it, but I have taken measures to help myself love it.

Christmas is a time for family and loved ones.  And it's a time that reminds you of what you don't have in the way of family and loved ones as well.  I had a very difficult time as I watched my family members taking pictures of their babies near the Christmas tree, wishing my baby was there to be a part of it.  I felt left out.  I felt sad, I felt like it was unfair.  I think a lot of people experience that at Christmas time, as they see people gathering with those they love.

In some ways, I feel more crippled now than I ever have before.  Because it's supposed to be a time of cheer and giving and bright spirits, it makes me painfully aware of the sad that is a part of my life.  I carry pain around with me all the time.  I am often fighting with myself about whether to try and forget about it, to ignore it and never think about Gideon, or whether to think about him and really let all the feelings flow.  And I'll be honest with you, there are a lot of times that I fight away my grief, that I smile and try not to think about him, and it feels good to be distracted and having fun.  Often later, I feel a little guilty, like I have been betraying his memory.  I think there is a balance to be found; I have been able to go to holiday parties without crying, happy moments are a part of what life is about.   Questioning one's self is also a part of life, unfortunately.  I didn't have a meltdown when I saw my 4 nephews all together in front of the Christmas tree, but it's not because I didn't feel a jab of pain that my baby wasn't there.  I just decided not to think about it, not to feel.  I feel like not breaking down and crying in that moment was probably the better thing to do, and my ability to turn from the sadness is a gift, not a curse or a betrayal.  I suppose that many other people fight with themselves in similar ways through the holiday season, wishing to only be happy and bubbly, trying to bury all the sadness, and then feeling guilty for not taking time to remember their loved ones.  It's really hard, and I am sorry if you have to deal with this.

Of course, there is pressure to buy and give gifts.  We have been very blessed financially this year, when it could have been so much worse.  We were financially prepared for this emergency, we had a Health Savings Account which had enough to cover ALL of the medical expenses (and there were a lot).  Otherwise, this could have put us into a crisis right before the holiday season erupted.  This was not an aspect of Christmas that stressed me out, and I am grateful.  But many other people are not so blessed.  Lets face it, life throws curveballs at you, and sometimes they smack you in the face.  And finances are hard anyway, but at Christmas, it's even worse, and people are much more painfully aware of their ability (or lack thereof) to give gifts.  We had offers to be part of an "angel tree" program, which we turned down, feeling like we had enough.  Kind neighbors and strangers still ought of us and worried about us and donated gifts and treats to our family.  (THANKYOU!)  Many people have given VERY generously to our family since Gideon's death, and I have been overwhelmed and touched by the thought and love that has gone into those donations.  Our Christmas was great (gift wise) this year.   As you can see, we did not suffer from a shortage of awesome presents...

Our tree on Christmas Eve, after all the gifts were placed.  I got tired of wrapping, as evidenced by the gift in the lower left corner.

Gifts are a nice distraction from what is missing, even though there is still emptiness there.   On Christmas Eve, I still got asked by my children if I missed Gideon.   I am so grateful, though, that I didn't have to stress about whether my children would have gifts this Christmas.  I personally know people who were very stressed about the holiday season because financially they are in trouble.  It's yucky, and it's not fun to be reminded over and over about what you feel like you don't and can't have and can't give.  I think that's one reason it's a hard season for so many.

And oh the busy, busy, bustling of the holiday season.  One thing that always amazes me after I have left the hospital is how the world has kept turning despite what has been happening inside the hospital.  There are times that I have felt like it is so unfair for people to keep going about their usual business when I have been going through an ordeal.  (I think we maybe all have a little bit of that "I am the center of the universe" complex in us.)  Not that I expect the world to revolve around me, but that it seems like tragedy of this magnitude deserves a break.  Life should slow down, things should just stop.  You should get an exempt card from hard things for a while.  I think I'd have loved to just be home and read books with my kids and not have anywhere to be, or any shopping to do.  However, It doesn't work like that.  And around the holidays, things not only don't stop, they move at a frantic pace.  So much to do, and the time to do it keeps shrinking.  I would bet that many people don't like the holidays for that reason also.

With all the feeling sad and sorry and upset, the thing that I found helped the most was seeking earnestly to GIVE to other people.  This year, we did a 12 Days of Giving Christmas.   Rather than choosing to bless one family, we just set a goal each day to find ways to serve others.  I am not SO secure in our finances that I felt like I could give to everyone and everything with gobs of monetary generosity.  I'd have loved to have enough security that I felt comfortable giving away more money to people I knew were struggling.   However, I was able to send a few people money anonymously (they probably don't read my blog...).  I babysat several children for free.  Our family went caroling in an assisted living center.  We made treats and delivered them to several of our neighbors.  We gave the kids' teachers treats and I wrote each teacher a personal note thanking them for all they do for my children.  We made and delivered dinner to two families we know who have new babies.  We put a box of food together for a family who has been struggling financially.  I gave time to help others with musical things, donating time to play piano to accompany several musical numbers.  I don't say any of this to brag, that's not the point.  The point is that giving felt good.  I wanted to do things I knew I wouldn't have been able to do if I had a young baby myself.   I donated my time and talents more than I donated money or gifts.

I had a realization that helped me a lot through the holidays.  I wanted to give more, but we are wanting to have more children still.  And wanting to be prepared for that means not emptying out our bank accounts any more than they've already been depleted this year.  I felt like I should pass on generosity, but didn't feel like I could be as generous as I wanted to in monetary ways, without jeopardizing our financial security in the coming year.  However, ANYBODY can give their time and talents.  You don't have to be rich to give those kinds of gifts, and they still mean a lot.  And they meant a lot to me as the giver.  I needed to be a giver this holiday season, more than I needed to be a receiver.  I wish I had given more, and I hope to keep giving more.  It has lent more healing power to my heart than anything.  Seeing lonely people smile or cry or sing along as my family sang to them really made me feel happy.  I hope my children learned from the experience, because that means that besides giving to the people in the assisted living center, and the people we gave treats and dinners to, that I gave my children experience and lessons in kindness and generosity, and that you don't have to have tons of money to give things that matter.

I have thought a lot about Emma Smith, wife of the prophet Joseph Smith, who translated the Book of Mormon and was the first prophet of the Mormon church (whose full name is actually "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints", but got nicknamed Mormon after the book of Mormon).  She bore many children who died within hours after child birth.  Over and over she experienced tragedy.  I remember once thinking about all she was able to accomplish, and wondering if it was partly because she had more time and ability to dedicate her time to serving outside her family because her babies went to heaven.  And there may be some truth to that thought, and I have wondered if maybe that is partly why Gideon came now.  Are there things I am supposed to be doing now that I couldn't do with a baby?  I hope I am doing them.  I spent my 12 days of Christmas trying hard to find ways to serve people that I wouldn't have if I was tied up in nursing, changing diapers, and feeling tired.  I still wish I had my baby here, but working hard to serve others, to give back to others has made me feel so much better.

And of course, I thought about the real reason for Christmas, which is Christ.  Focusing on the REAL reason for the season does not cause pain, does not create a sense of frantic urgency at all I need to do right now.  It does not create stress, it doesn't come with feelings of frustration or sadness at what I am missing.  It only helps me feel loved and grateful for the best gift ever, and to have the desire to share that gift.

This has by far been the hardest holiday season I have experienced.  I have still loved it, but it has been much harder to enjoy.  I understand why it is so hard for so many people, and I am sorry for ever thinking of anyone who hated Christmas as a Grinch or a Scrooge.  I understand.  And I'm sorry for the pain that the holiday season brings up in your heart.  I hope you can find ways to give in ways that will heal your heart, whether during the holidays or not.

My year has been a good year, I have lots of great memories.  Making a pinata with my kids and my sister, family trips to Bear Lake and Bear World and Bryce Canyon, my brother's wedding, a temple dedication, campouts, fun holiday times, soccer games, the list goes on.  And sometimes those happy memories feel like they are from another lifetime, before everything changed.

I also have too many hard and sad memories.  I appreciate all who have been sharing in this journey of joy and pain with our family.  Thank you for being here with us and for us!  Happy New Year!