Mary, did you know?

I have been a big fan of Pentatonix before this year's Christmas album "That's Christmas to Me", but I absolutely adore their rendition of "Mary, Did You Know?"  If you haven't seen it yet, here ya go.
PTX official video, Mary, Did You Know

Every time I listen to it, I get goose bumps.  I do wonder how much Mary understood about the child she would have.  One of my FAVORITE scriptures in the entire New Testament is Luke 2:19 "And Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart."  If she didn't know, she took a lot of time thinking and feeling about these experiences, and about the words spoken to her by an angel. 

I am particularly touched by it this year, because I have thought a lot about what I would have done if I had known about Gideon.  What if I had known that he would pass away after a week?  What if I could have seen the pain that his death would cause?  As Scott and I discuss the future of our family, we realize that trying to have more children now carries with it a higher risk that they could have the same problem.  Will I choose to do this again, knowing what I know now?  The truthful answer is: I don't know.  I think it's "Yes", but there are moments when I feel like it's "No way."  This hurts, and I have a hard time thinking that I could choose willingly to feel this pain again.  My reverence and respect for Mary has increased leaps and bounds this year.



 Did Mary know that she would have to watch her son die?  She may have known he was God's son and would come to deliver us all, but did she understand the extent that he would deliver us?  Did she understand that he would have to die, that he would have to suffer so that we can give up our sins and not have to endure that same suffering? Did she know that because he would be resurrected, we now all can be?  Did she understand about the pain it would cause her to see people not understand, to crucify him because they couldn't see who he really was? 

Before we were told that Gideon could have a lethal condition, there were a few times that I had an inkling he wouldn't live long.  Perhaps it is just my worrying nature, but there were times I was reading scriptures or quotes of prophets and I was so moved, and I felt so sad for the loss of my child, even before we knew his problem was severe.  I had a small taste of the pain, and I dreaded it.  I hoped for some amazing way that he could live, that all would be well.  I tried my best to trust that no matter what happened, God would make it a good thing.

I think even Jesus himself hoped for some way that he wouldn't have to suffer, to die for us.  That is why he asked "Father, if it be possible, remove this cup from me."  He hoped he wouldn't have to feel that pain, to actually go through the suffering, the sacrifice, and the painful crucifixion.  I know simply with my own pain if I could wish it away, if there was a way I could not have to feel it, I'd love that.  It's hard to have any idea of the suffering you will experience and still go forward with it.  I wonder if Mary felt much the same way about her son.  "Please, if there's any other way, could he NOT have to do this?"  I am sure it was very heart breaking to her, and I can now sympathize with the heartache of losing a perfect son, though I will never pretend to understand Mary, because they were not even close to the same circumstances.

I have become more grateful for her sacrifice for being willing to do what needed to be done, to carry this child, to have to travel while hugely pregnant, to raise him and love him and help him to be the amazing person he was.  What a woman!  What a hero!  I want to be like her.  I want to be able to go forward in my life with faith, and do whatever God wants me to do, no matter how hard, no matter how much pain it might cause. 

I don't know how much she knew, but she had immense amounts of faith and trust, and perhaps that is what matters more.

He is the gift.  Heavenly Father is loving and merciful, He knew we'd do dumb stuff, and that we would need infinite help.  So he offered up His Son to make the difference.  I am sure it was painful to willingly give up your perfect son.  I prayed to Heavenly Father "If it's thy will that Gideon go home, then I will trust it", but I cried and felt like my heart wasn't going to be able to beat anymore as I said those words, they did not come easily.  If you haven't yet seen this video that puts Christmas in perspective, please watch it.  He Is the Gift video

I love that gift so much more now.  Because of him, I get second chances, we all get second chances.  When it is my time to be judged, I can be judged by someone who felt exactly what I have felt, and who will understand my heart and thoughts.  I get to be resurrected...we all do, including my Gideon.

I don't know the pain and challenges up ahead, but I am working to become like my hero, and to have faith and trust that no matter what pain I am called to bear, it will be for my good, and possibly for the good of others around me.  I don't know exactly how Gideon's death has blessed my life, or how it will continue to bless the lives of my family and friends, but I trust God does know, even though I don't.

How much did Mary know?    I don't know, and it doesn't matter.

 She had the faith to do what he called her to do.  And hopefully I will too.  She helped share the gift.  At all times, but especially at Christmas, I really want to help share that gift too.  I want to share His love, to give freely of my heart, to help others who have needs, to do for others what they may not be able to do for themselves, with faith and trust and hope for a better world.