Moments I might have missed, a party with lemons

All of these pictures have been taken since our sweet Gideon died.  In our efforts to make the most of it, we have had lots of joyous moments since then.   I am often painfully aware of all that I am missing out on by Gideon passing away.  I watch my sweet nieces and nephew make the progress that babies make: rolling, sitting with help, sitting independently, scooting, crawling, etc. and know that if he were here, he would get to do all these phases soon. 

However, if he were here, he would likely have only gotten home from the NICU just recently.  Our lives would have been full of hospital time, and we might have missed some of these moments.  So here's me looking at the bright side, the what I got to have with my family.
 


Hyrum, James, & Alydia, excitedly holding up a "monster" carrot.  We would not have had the time or energy to have had this moment, if Gideon had still been in the NICU.  Gardening would definitely have taken a back seat, and even if the kids magically were inspired to garden without us, I wouldn't have been there to be able to take this picture.

 

Here's an awesome one taken on or around the day I posted about Rain and Tears.   It's a gorgeous FULL rainbow, taken from my front lawn.  That garage on the left, and the flowers, those are mine.  There was so much rain this summer, and I cried lots of tears with many of those rain storms, but rain means rainbows.  It means gardens that are watered when a Mom and baby are in the hospital, and when Mom is recovering and too overwhelmed to keep the garden alive.  It means sweet smelling air, and it reminds me of a quote by Dieter F. Uchtdorf, one of the 12 Apostles.  "How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain?"  This post is an effort for me to "thank God for the rain" even though I still hurt a lot.

Rain & Tears & Rainbows

 
 
 
  My son was due right around my niece's first birthday.  I wondered if they might even share a birthday.  Our family was able to go to her party, watch her eat cake (or play with it) for the first time, and that probably wouldn't have happened if Gideon had been well and born on time.

This was taken on a hike about 10 minutes away from our house.  Scott and I went up here a few times to get away from things.  It feels really good to briskly hike when you are mad or upset or frustrated, and better to do it with your very best friend.  We took our children up one day as well.  This hike was quite therapeutic for the two of us.  Had I still been pregnant, I likely wouldn't have been so keen on hiking.  Had Gideon still been in the hospital, I likely wouldn't have made the time to go take a hike with my husband, to get away from it all.  I'd have too many things I had to do with the time spent at/near home.

 

 Not many days after Gideon's funeral, we were able to go to the Ogden Temple Open House with our family, see the beautiful new temple, and talk about eternity and heaven and Jesus with our children.  This picture was taken on that day.  Our summer was crazy, with weddings, campouts, and then "surprise" a baby coming 2 and a half months early and only living a week.  I had not made reservations for the open house.  A friend of mine had a reservation for 7 that she ended up not being able to use, and we were able to go.  She told me that the 7th one was for Gideon, and she figured he'd meet us there.  While I didn't necessarily feel him there, it doesn't mean he wasn't there with us.  I'm so glad we got to go.  

Hyrum as Spiderman

 Last, but not least, Halloween.  My original thoughts and plans were that I would be home with a newborn baby on Halloween.  I was going to let Ethan take his younger siblings trick or treating to maybe 10-15 houses that were close by, within eyesight of our front room, and that was it.  We were not going to go to any Halloween carnivals, parties, or etc with our newborn baby.  And while I'd have rather had the baby than all the trick or treating and carnivals and etc., we were able to have lots of fun making memories and enjoying time with friends and family. 

Life has definitely handed us a few lemons, and that's not very fun.  But when you have more lemons than you can even make lemonade with, why not share them?  Why not make lemon meringue pie, and lemon bars, and have a party?  That's what this post is all about.  I miss my boy, and wish I could have had so much more time with him, BUT I have been richly blessed with a gratitude for the time I do have here with my family, and I still have other beautiful and fun children, a terrific husband, and a huge and wonderful support group of family and friends who are all that much more dear to me.