Memory triggers

My emotions have been very triggered by the video of the father who sang "Blackbird" to his newborn son.  It has gone viral, several of my friends have posted it on facebook.  If you haven't seen it yet, here is a link.

Viral Charge article/video: father singing to dying baby

This has pulled on my heart strings, bringing back memories that I have of our baby, of the background noises of the NICU, the scrubbing in, the tubes and wires, the "incubator" that kept my baby warm once he left the safety/growth of my body.  Seeing this has made me wonder if I should have posted our videos from our last day with Gideon, when we sang to our dying baby, also hooked up with cords, tubes, with the noise of the ventilators in the background.  If I could post them on my blog, I would, because I would love to share those moments with those who care to see them.  But I don't know that I want the whole world to see.  In some ways, perhaps it would increase the support system, lots of people praying and hoping for our happiness.  I am afraid to put them out there though, because there are always those trolls.  And for every 100 people that may say or do something positive, I am not sure if I could handle any comments that were rude, judgemental, or that downplayed and judged my grief, or anyone else's.  That is the #1 reason I never put our videos of singing to our baby out there.

If you haven't noticed in previous posts, I am REALLY not OK with people judging others trials.  Nobody can know what another person is going through.  None of us have identical memories, identical strengths and weaknesses, identical family situations, identical motivations, or identical situations.  We can feel empathy, and we should be kind and reach out to others who may be going through something similar, or even something that we think is hard.  But don't say "I understand" if you don't.  Don't say "I know what you're going through." when you don't.

Sometimes it's OK to say "I don't know what to say, but I am thinking about you, and my heart aches for you."  It's OK to say "I am so sorry."  Those are words with truth behind them, they mean something.

Our Gideon...When he was first born, I had been having some weird stuff going on with my throat.  My voice was raspy and hoarse.  Maybe it was from too much crying, or from celebrating at my brother's wedding the week before.  I wanted to sing to him, but had no voice.  When we knew he potentially had a lethal condition, one of the things I really hoped for was the chance to sing to him.  I prayed for some time, I prayed that my kids would be able to have the chance to see him before he passed away.  And I prayed that my throat would get better, so I could sing to my baby.  I love music, it is a huge part of my life, and was something he had heard in the womb.

Both of those prayers were answered.  He was here long enough, and my throat got better in time for me to be able to sing to him, not only by myself, but with my family.  He lived long enough for our kids to get to come see him twice, and they were each able to hold and kiss him.  Seeing the videos of this man, who was grateful for the four days he got to have with his baby, makes me even more grateful that I got to have a week with mine.  If you didn't follow the link, this is what he says at the end:

I am so thankful for the four unforgettable days I got to spend with him.

His mommy would have been so beyond joy to see him and to hold him, touch him, bathe him, sing to him – as I have had the privilege of doing.

I have been so blessed and honored to love him before he was formed, to cherish him while mommy carried him, meet him face to precious face, and hold his perfect little body while we said “goodbye for now”.

We held Gideon.  We sang to him.  I don't know how this daddy held it together when he sang because I struggled when I tried to sing.  I can't sing and cry, and I am not good at keeping my emotions inside of me.  I wish I could have sung straight through without having to recollect myself.  Some of the songs we sang to Gideon still make me cry.  Give Said the Little Stream is a sweet song, but we sang it to him when he was alive, and we have sung it at his grave more than once.  It holds now a sweet sadness, a different flavor than it used to.  I am so grateful that I got to meet Gideon, and that I haven't had to go through the loss of a spouse on top of it.  I am so grateful that I got 7 days, instead of just 4.  That my kids got to meet their brother.  I am grateful for the knowledge that it was not "goodbye" but just "goodbye for now."

At least one person has asked why we were smiling when this picture was taken.  There are a lot of reasons, but here is a brief explanation.  Our hearts were full of both joy and sadness that day.  It was a miracle that we got time with him at all.  I was so glad I got to sing to him.  We had a one week birthday party for him, and the kids colored on the tiny blanket that you can see in this picture, and gave it to him.  Those moments are beyond precious to me, and I was happy to have them.  I was happy to be able to hold my baby, even though I knew I wouldn't get to have him with me for very long.

Reading the story of the father and his tiny son, and watching him sing, I was so happy for him, for the memories he got to make, and I feel so glad that the father got the chance to sing to his son.  That song, those times, will probably always be so precious to him.  As I see people post about it, I know that our Gideon will always be precious to us, and that many people empathize for a loss such as this.  I am grateful for the strength and the courage of the man, for sharing his story and his words, because they have reminded me to be so grateful for the time I had with my baby, and to be grateful to still have the rest of my family with me.  His story has made me cry in sad and happy ways, it has been a terrific reminder to have a heart full of gratitude, and to remember that the end of life is not really the end.