First, let it be said that I love being grateful. God commands us to do it, and I believe he knows what he’s doing, and have seen evidence in my life as to why being grateful is good for me. Beyond my own observation, studies have shown that showing gratitude is good for your health. Lest you not believe me, here are a few articles to back up my words.
However, this has been one of the most challenging Thanksgivings I have ever had. I am still grateful for much, but it was hard to focus on my gratitude today, as I have missed my baby so much. Holidays and family memory days just bring it home, his absence is much more tangible. He was one of several babies born this year in my husband's family, and I got to see ALMOST all of them today. Growing, crawling, playing peekaboo, snuggles, sleeping on shoulders, it was a little hard to see today. Watching others with their babies and feeling it pull my heart strings isn’t what I had planned for my Thanksgiving this year and I felt it a lot today.
I normally have a heart brimming full of gratitude, and it comes easily. Today hasn’t been like other Thanksgivings for me. My emotions have been close to the surface all day, and so have my husband’s. I want it back, I want my happy, easy Thanksgivings back. I am not sure it will ever be the same.
In my attempt to focus on gratitude, I thought that it might help if I started to list those things I am truly grateful for. My heart hurts, and gratitude is not the easiest thing to focus on, but when I muscle my way past my sad, it feels like opening the curtain to a beautifully set stage and watching a drama unfold. There's a lot behind that curtain, it's just a hard curtain to pull back sometimes.
1. I have a home. A nice home with multiple bedrooms and a kitchen and electricity, and more than one bathroom and running water. To many people in the world, my house probably seems like a mansion. I am very grateful for my mansion.
2. I have access to modern, miraculous medicine. Anyone who has ever been in an NICU or has been treated for strep knows the difference good medicine can make in your health. And even though the NICU couldn’t save my baby’s life so that he was here with me this year, they kept him alive long enough for me to get to hold him, and for my kids to get to give him kisses and sing to him, and we have memories with him. For a while, we weren’t even sure we’d get that, and I’ll take that miracle.
3. Perhaps this is a silly thing, but I am grateful for this flower, which bloomed today.
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4. I am grateful for my children. I am in love with each of them, and my heart strings are plucked more frequently now than ever when I see them smile, when they finish their first chapter book, when they play a piano song in front of people, when they find good ways to solve their problems, when they smile, when they play nicely and give hugs. Sadly, my heart strings are also more sensitive to the sad moments, when my kids cry, when they fight, when they don't do well in school, and I am more prone to cry about things that normally wouldn't have hurt so much. I heard it said that with deeper pain comes a capability to feel more joy, which I have found to be true. I joy in many more things much more than I used to, but I also find sadness in things more than I used to.
5. I am grateful for my fabulous friends. I have had many who have been sensitive to my feelings, who have been paying attention and seen my hard moments, who have known what I have needed and helped fill that. I have many who have just listened, who have tried to understand, who have given me reassurance and empathy and love and who have let me have my sad moments and let me have my happy moments and not judged.
6. I am so so thankful to have a wonderful relationship with my family, including my in laws. I know lots of people who grunt and groan over spending time with their in-laws. Not me. I love coming from a big family (1 brother, 3 sisters) and I wanted to have a big family myself, and my in-laws are an even bigger family that I love being a part of. I have a bunch of brothers and sisters that I love and respect deeply, who are also friends to me. I love being an aunt, I am blessed with a plethora of nieces and nephews, and I adore them all. I was able to hold a few babies today, which helped my heart when it was missing my own baby. I am a huge fan of anyone in my family, on either side.
7. I am grateful for distractions. I teased my son a little bit about saying he was grateful for entertainment when we were listing things we were grateful for. (We have a fake tree. Each branch that goes on the tree has to have a "I am grateful for....") The truth is, though, that the entertainment and distractions have been very helpful to our family during the difficult moments. We are all big fans of America's Funniest Home Videos. When I would bring home bad news from the hospital, we would talk about what was happening, and then we'd cry, and then we'd watch AFV to laugh it off. I have needed the laughter release, and so I too am grateful for entertainment.
8. I am grateful for kind strangers. Yesterday, I got a phone call from a person who had heard me speak a few weeks ago, who said she felt like she needed to give me a CD of songs that might touch my heart and that were very relevant to my situation. She got my address and came and delivered it with a hug. My nurse from the hospital wrote to me and told me how much she had loved helping me and how sorry she was about our baby. People I don't know very well have been so kind, I have been grateful for the charity in the hearts of people. It restores my faith in humanity.
9. Scott. Oh my goodness, I don't know even how to say how thankful I am for my husband. Statistics don't look good for couples who have to deal with the loss of a child. 90% end in divorce, but I don't see ours going that way. If anything, our marriage has gotten better, as we have committed more firmly to our relationship. We want to be together and enjoy our living children. We don't want the mess of custody battles, we already know how it feels to lose a child, and we don't want to lose any more to each other. Nobody understands what I am experiencing like he does. And nobody understands him like I do. He's my best friend, my closest companion, and he has the ability to calm me in ways that nobody else can. I went into shock at the hospital and shook for almost an hour. I felt cold, I couldn't get warm, I just shook. The nurse brought me warm blankets, they kept pumping me with fluids, I almost fainted, I felt barely conscious. It wasn't until Scott wrapped his arms around me that I was able to quit shaking. I don't ever want to lose that, he's the best medicine for me. Ever.
10. This is as long as I will make this list, so I have to list the #1 thing that has helped me through (Scott is a very close second). My faith. I am so grateful for my faith. People who don't believe in God sometimes joke that believing in God or Jesus is like believing in Santa Claus. They see it as childish and petty and stupid. And if they want to see me as childish, petty, and stupid, I suppose I will deal with that. Here's the thing: our world, our solar system, the human body, they run more efficiently than any machine that humans can create. If I found a watch laying in the middle of the desert, I'd pick it up and know that someone had created it. I wouldn't just think it had spontaneously put itself together, I would know it had a creator. I think the same credit should be given to the creator of the earth, of animals, plants, and human beings.
I am glad to know that God is my creator, that he has a plan for me, and that Gideon was part of my plan here on earth, and that he will be part of the plan for me after I am resurrected. I love reading the Bible and Book of Mormon, the scriptures bring me comfort and help me to feel his love. I have had inspiration that has answered deep questions and wonders in my life which has come from me praying and asking for an answer, and then having the words of a scripture come to my heart, or feeling that I need to go read Phillipians 4, or whatever other prompting in my heart. And I find answers. I have had healing come through priesthood blessings. I take great comfort in my creator. I don't know why this has happened to our family, I am trying really hard to be a good Mom, I feel like I should get to have my baby here, and I can't tell you why Gideon was only able to come for a brief visit. I don't have to know the answers now, though. I have practiced trusting in the Lord enough that I will trust that he has an answer to why this has happened and that one day I will know. Call it "believing in Santa Claus", but it's helping me to cope with dignity and strength and happiness, so I'll take my "Santa Claus" and all the joy it brings me over the destitution and emptiness that would be in my heart if I believed that it was the end. I am SO grateful for my faith.
Happy Thanksgiving! I hope all who read this don't have to try as hard as I do to pull back the curtain to find gratitude in your lives, but even if it is a challenge, I hope you take it. The stage is set, there is much to be grateful for.
Thanks. Katie love you! It's amazing how life's experience mold and shape you,as you strive to become like your creator. My heart is full of love and gratitude for you and Scott.
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