Bittersweet

I know I have said it before, but it's true.  I thought I was prepared to feel sad when we learned Gideon was not going to make it.  And I was told (and have come to terms with) that it is OK to feel happy, to still find times to laugh.  And I think I have a pretty good sense of humor, and I have laughed a lot.  I didn't want to go through this, but I had talked to people who had been through things like this, so I thought I was "prepared".

 I wasn't really.  I wasn't prepared for the ups and downs and rollercoaster that this is.  I don't know if anyone ever really can be.  No matter how much anyone tells you about feeling different emotions, it's not the same as experiencing them.  The swirls of emotion are all over, and often knock me off balance a little bit.  I think it is not quite as debilitating as it was at first.  Sad isn't all consuming, but it is still present in many things, more things than it ever used to be before Gideon.  I was not prepared for the moments when tears would spring to my eyes, and for the times when things make me gasp, because I am surprised by how tender my heart still feels.  I was not prepared for the echoes of voices in my head "Mommy, I don't want Gideon to die" (Hyrum) or "Mom, I am afraid to pray for another baby, because what if it doesn't live too?" (James).  Or a neighbor girl, who sees the picture on the piano "Is that your baby who died?"

Sometimes I am surprised at the happy moments, the laughter, the moving on that I do.  I got to enjoy a fun "sister" date with a few of my sister in laws this last weekend, and it was so fun to just enjoy life, the company of people that I love, and shopping.  I actually do really like shopping....Of course I couldn't help but bring up Gideon.  And, since I was hanging out with my husband's sisters, I told them how I think their brother is REALLY handling things.  They are kind enough to ask and wonder and worry about both of us.

P.S.  I vented about this to his sisters....Men miss their baby's too.  Why do some people assume that he is not or should not be having a hard time with this?  Almost everyone asks him how I am doing.  Very few people ask about Scott.  People know that I will be struggling and hurting.  Few people, though, expect him to be sad or worry about him.  Even he was surprised at how sad he felt when they told us that Gideon may not make it.  He expected that it would be hard for him because it would be hard for me, but it has been hard for him because he loves our children, and knew he would miss this child.  He misses those tender tiny snuggles.  We both miss all the things we would be doing with our baby.  It's funny, I know we believe men can be good dads and love their kids and be involved in their lives.  I know that we expect and hope fathers will invest their time and efforts and emotions into their children.  So why in the world do people not expect men to have a hard time when they lose a child?!  Not that he "cries himself to sleep each night on his huge pillow", but he has those same moments, where he misses holding our baby.  He has times when a sweet moment is turned a little sad by missing our sweet one.

For example.  On Sunday, our daughter climbed up into Scott's lap.  She has her Daddy under a spell, and she is a sweet thing with lots of snuggles and loves to share.  The day she was born, as he held her, Scott said "I think I'm in love."  And he is.  He has always treasured her snuggles and loves.  But when she climbed onto his lap, he had one of those moments where the sad just snuck in with powerful potency.  He won't get to hold Gideon for MANY years.  He missed snuggling our baby.  And then he felt frustrated that the sweet moment had to have sadness mixed in.

Another P.S. Do NOT judge someone else's trial.  Don't.  Don't.  Um...don't.  We have experienced both sides of this coin as we have gone through this.  Sometimes people tell us "your trial is so much bigger than mine." or "I don't think I could ever handle anything like that."  Perhaps it is true, but I don't think that is really so.  Many of these same people have health issues, have family members with very severe health issues, have marriages in distress, kids that have gone or are going astray.  My advice: give yourself and God some credit--your trials are your trials, chosen for you, to be hard for you, to challenge you, to smooth your rough spots.  They are hard for you, and will help you grow, the same way that my trials will help me grow.  And I see many of you going through these trials and have so much respect for you, and wonder how I could ever go through that.  I will say it again, it is so true:  I have great respect for you.  God is a MASTER craftsman, and what you need to be the best you is not going to be the same as what I need to be the best me.  Yes, this is a hard trial for Scott and I.  Do NOT assume that it is harder than yours.

ALSO do NOT assume that it's easier than yours.  I have been very irritated when people imply that because we only had our baby a week, we didn't really know him, so it must not really be that painful.  Let me repeat, a little louder here.  DON'T JUDGE SOMEONE ELSE'S TRIAL!!!  
That is a hugely unfair assumption.  I am sure it is hard to lose a child that you have spent 10 years with, or 2 years, or 18, or 23.  Death is hard.  The end.  We don't like endings, it's not in our eternal nature. (Dieter F. Uchtdorf again.)  Let's not "rank" each other's trials, huh?  There are reasons I can see your point, losing a dear one that you have known for years is hard, because you have many memories tied with them, associations to them, and you will miss their nuances, isms, and their unique ways, many things in this life will trigger memories of them, and that will hurt, probably for years to come.  I am not going to tell you that I think I have it worse than you, but here's a little food for thought as to why I think this is hard in its own way.  I never got those 10 years (or 2 or 23, or 67) worth of memories.  Because I have children, I do know about the funny things they say and do in many different stages, about their first steps, about learning to read, having a favorite song that just makes them do their own dance.  I will not get to experience any of that with Gideon until we are all resurrected, and that's a ways away.  Part of what makes it so hard is what I didn't get to experience with him...

OK rants over.

So yeah, I got to enjoy a fun weekend with my sisters in law.  I love them, they have all been a wonderful support to Scott and I through this whole thing, and have blessed my life in countless ways.  They often know when to let me cry, when to cry with me, when to help me laugh, and when I need alone time.  They have served me in a host of ways.  They are either remarkably intuitive, sensitive to the spirit, or just have amazing luck with their guesses.  It felt wonderful to be happy with them.  I still thought of what would have been, though.  If my plan had happened, I'd have had a 2 or 3 week old baby.  I wouldn't have joined them in all the festivities, because I'd have been snuggling my tiny fellow, nursing and exhausted during those first several weeks.

I got to indulge in some fun retail therapy, we went shopping in Park City at the outlet center, where I snagged plenty of good deals.  Good deals give me a "high" and I LOVE IT!!  I could blog just about all the awesome stuff I got for under $4, but I won't.  I will tell you this bitter sweet part of the adventure.

I was afraid to go into Carters.  Silly, but I have bought baby clothing for all my kids there, I have memories of being there pregnant, and memories of being there with a little baby, and I was a little nervous about it.  But I figured I was being a little silly, my sister in laws reminded me that they have lots of stuff for kids, not just babies (they weren't pressuring me, just helping me through the moment) and so I walked right past the baby stuff and found some great stuff for my 6 and 4 year olds.  TRIUMPH!!

...But at the checkout counter...there were these adorable pumpkin sock/slipper things. The sad got in my happy again, and I was a little taken aback.  I had to blink back tears, because I wanted those little socks for my baby's feet that I won't get to see in a very long time.  DANG YOU PUMPKIN SLIPPERS, you messed up my triumphal moment.

Really, Scott and I are doing well.  We both take moments to treasure each other and our living children more, and treasuring the moments with those children is something I am becoming better at. Pumpkin carving and Halloween parties was NOT part of my original plan this year, I was going to be a mommy of a newborn.  So pumpkin carving tonight was fun and memorable, but laced with a little bit of "I wish", a little bit of "I miss the way it would have been."   We are trying to be happy, and choosing to look for God's hand in our lives, and look for what we are supposed to learn and who we are supposed to become from this trial.  We often find that sad gets into our sweet moments, we just can't seem to get away from it, but we are having many sweet moments, even if they sometimes turn bittersweet on us.