God must love me a lot...

I can often tell who "knows" about what has been going on and who doesn't by the look on their faces when I respond to "How are you?"  So often, we ask that question without really looking for a sincere answer.  People that really want to know how I am ask that same question differently than in the normal "Hey, how are you?" way we always do as a form of greeting that doesn't really want an answer.  Lately, those who know about Gideon look me in the eye and touch my hand or shoulder and ask "How ARE you?"  I don't know if anyone believes me when I tell them "I'm doing OK." or "I'm doing good today." You should.  I don't lie when I answer this question.  I'm getting better at short answers to the question, but I have stopped using the word "fine."  It's not true anymore, not for me.  My emotions swing too wildly for me to be "fine", I'm usually doing really well, or struggling, or else I'm just all over the board emotional.  A few people today asked me how I was, and those that didn't know about Gideon just gave me quizzical looks when I said "Well, I'm really emotional today."  If you ask me "How ARE you?" and I say "Fine" then you know that I wasn't really listening or answering truthfully, and you can ask me again to see how I really am.
 
What a tearful day today was.  I cried when I was playing the organ in church this morning.  I cried as I listened to a baby blessing, I cried when I heard people telling their stories of faith and healing, I cried as I read scriptures, I cried as I played for choir.  What a DAY!  I don't know if I could even list all the emotions that were so strong they made me cry today.  I felt like the Spirit was communicating with me so strongly and it was so overpowering and overwhelming, tears came as I felt God's great love for me.  Some of my tears were sad: I felt a little envious of the parents who blessed their baby with health and strength, and then I felt bad for feeling that way, because they absolutely deserve a happy, healthy child.  I felt an overwhelming feeling that God is aware of me and is guiding me, even as I heard a mother tell a story of her child having a miraculous recovery from some health conditions that he had.  I wanted that recovery for my baby, and I had faith that God could do it, just like he did for her son, but I have faith that it wasn't what Gideon was supposed to have.  I teared up today as I saw the beautiful sunset and realized that my son never got to see one with me, never got to feel a raindrop, and I felt excited and grateful that I will get the chance to enjoy one with him one day.
 
I can't share all of the words and music that touched my heart today, because some were other people's words, and I can't quote them.  However, there were several scriptures and phrases in songs that truly touch my heart deeply now, when they didn't before.  You know those moments when you are reading something that you have read before, and lightning strikes your brain and lights up a passage in a new way, and it's like you've never read it or understood it before?  Have you ever been singing a song that you have sung many times, and you know all the words and melody and have for a long time, but all of a sudden, you understand it on a deeper level?  That happened to me 3 or 4 times within the last 24 hours.  Here are a few I can share word for word:
 
1st: Yesterday, when we were reading the Book of Mormon as a family, we were reading in Mosiah chapter 23.  Alma and the people who had listened to the teachings of the prophet Abinadi had to flee from before the wicked king, who was ready to kill them for deciding to follow the words of scriptures.  They came to a land where they began to settle and build.  However, the Lamanites found them and put leaders and guards over them.  Alma's followers had chosen to repent and be baptized.  They had to leave behind their homes and friends because of that choice, and settle a new place.  They were doing good things, and happy about doing good things, but still, bad things happened to them as a result of the Lamanites discovering their settlement.  In verse 21 and 22 it says:

 21 Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith.

 22 Nevertheless—whosoever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day. Yea, and thus it was with this people.

I am sure that those verses were always there before, that I've read them and they've never jumped off the page like they did the other day, but as I read them, I began to choke up.  The Lord tries our patience and our faith, even when we are doing good things.  And..."Whom the Lord loveth, he chasteneth."from Hebrews 12:6 popped into my head too.  The Lord loves me.  He is helping me grow, testing my faith.
 
2nd.  Last night, as I was getting ready for bed, I was thinking about the song "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go."  If you haven't heard it, here's a link.  It's a men's choir, because I LOVE men's voices. 
I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go: large Men's choir 2009 
It already says "I'll Go where you want me to go, dear Lord, over mountain or plain or sea.  I'll say what you want me to say, dear Lord, I'll be what you want me to be."  And I thought to myself, "if I was adding words to this, I'd add 'I'll bear what you want me to bear, dear Lord.' and 'I'll do what you want me to do.'"  I played this hymn on the organ this morning as prelude, and felt that God knows that I am trying to do what he wants, and to have faith through this difficult time.  It's NOT easy to have faith, it's easy to want to ask "Why?!" I do know that he has reasons though, and that his ways are higher than my ways, and his thoughts higher than my thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8&9)  I know as I learn and grow, as I do what he wants me to do, and as I bear what he wants me to bear, I really will end up being what he wants me to be.  I don't know what he wants me to become yet, but I do know it will be awesome.  He's a master creator, and if I let Him do His thing, and keep on trusting, then I just know it's going to be epic. 
 
3rd.  A less known hymn that I played for choir today.  Hymn 112 in the Hymnbook for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (aka Mormons or LDS)
 
         Savior Redeemer of my Soul 

Lyrics

1. 1. Savior, Redeemer of my soul,
   Whose mighty hand hath made me whole,
   Whose wondrous pow'r hath raised me up
   And filled with sweet my bitter cup!
   What tongue my gratitude can tell,
   O gracious God of Israel.
2. 2. Never can I repay thee, Lord,
   But I can love thee. Thy pure word,
   Hath it not been my one delight,
   My joy by day, my dream by night?
   Then let my lips proclaim it still,
   And all my life reflect thy will.
3. 3. O'errule mine acts to serve thine ends.
   Change frowning foes to smiling friends.
   Chasten my soul till I shall be
   In perfect harmony with thee.
   Make me more worthy of thy love,
   And fit me for the life above.

 Text: Orson F. Whitney, 1855-1931  Music: Harry A. Dean, 1892-1987

 

I sat at the piano and cried as the choir sang this.  This is going to sound a little "born again", but I LOVE JESUS!  Oh my goodness, I just felt so much gratitude for all the help he has given me as we have faced the pain and hardship of this.  My belief in the resurrection, in Christ making it possible for all of us to live again and to be able to return to live with God in heaven through his sacrifice...it's made enduring this whole thing possible.  It still hurts, I still miss Gideon, I still ache for him, but because of Jesus, I know that this separation is temporary.  My impatience is a big part of the issue, it feels like such a long time before I will get to enjoy a sunset with my baby, or take him outside to catch snowflakes on his tongue.  But I WILL get to, and that helps me feel so much better.  I am so grateful for the love of my Savior, for how much he has sent his spirit to let me know that this is His plan for my family, that even though my prayers weren't answered the way I thought they should be (miraculous Gideon recovery), they were heard and understood, and the Lord is giving me what will (see verse 3) chasten my soul till I shall be in perfect harmony with Him.  He is making me more worthy of His love and fitting me for the life above (with Him and with my Gideon.)  I just love him.  And this song said it so beautifully.  Tears...

 

4th.  You'd think my tear ducts would just dry out.  Nope.  I am not THAT blessed.  I am a crier.  I have lots of emotions, and they come out my eyes.  If I'm really happy, I cry, if I'm angry, I cry, sad,  guilty, overwhelmed...cry, cry, cry. 

 

I get to play the piano for two choirs.  The larger choir is singing a beautiful piece written by Lynn Lund, called "I Give All Thanks to Thee."  It speaks of beautiful tender things in our lives, and pleads for the eyes to see all the works the Lord has made.  I wish I had a link for this one, because reading the words is not the same without the gorgeous music.  Those of you who are coming to stake conference will get to hear it.  (Hopefully by then, I'll be able to play it without crying.) This is a hard task, playing this piece as I cry.  I am going to throw in a few pictures, because these were flashing in my mind as I played and heard these words sung tonight.  Here are the words to the second verse: 

 

 

 "An infant's smile, a mother's touch, a sister's gentle hands."

 
 "A father guiding childish feet through shifting treacherous sands."
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
"For bonds that cross eternity, for ties that never cease.  For such a special family, I thank thee Lord for these."
 

 
 
Oh Lord, anoint mine eyes to see, and let my spirit sing, and give all thanks to Thee.
 
Oh Lord, my heart would sing thy praise, my voice in gladness raise, for all thy hands have made, until I hear and see and feel thy hand in everything."
 
When I was finished accompanying the choir on that song, I felt like I had been through an emotional wringer.   My shoulders were shaking and I was sniffling and trying as hard as I could NOT to shake, not to mess up, not to drip all over the piano during that second verse.  The emotions I felt were powerful.  Some of them are sad, I do miss my son.  I wish my husband was going to get to guide his childish feet sooner rather than many years from now.  I never got to see him smile and I have to wait a really long time before I will get to see it, and before I will get to touch him again.  Some of the emotions I felt though were overwhelmingly happy.  I AM so grateful for my family.  I am SO grateful for God.  I felt Him so much today, He loves me, and I love Him.  This is the hardest blessing I have ever had in my life.  I am so grateful to have His strength to rely on during this very, very difficult time.  He has let me know many times today, through strong spiritual witnesses that this is what our family needs so we can become who he wants us to be.  I am trying hard to be grateful for what I am learning, and to recognize His hand in all things.  I felt it so much today, He is helping us out more than we often recognize.  When I look for it, when I am searching for answers, searching out who He wants me to be, and what He wants me to do, and when I search to see His hand in everything (like the song says) I can see it. 

I guess God must love me so much.  I really feel like I am getting better at seeing His hands in my life partly as a result of Gideon's little mission here to earth.