Aching

This is a sad post because I really miss my baby today.  I have learned though, that I don't like it when people feel sorry for me.  I'd rather you feel sorry with me.  So here it is, so you can know how my emotions have been today. 

Sometimes, this is just overwhelming.  I have described it to Scott as "It feels like there is an elephant sitting on my chest", and that's sort of how it is.  It's sometimes hard to breathe.  My chest feels so tight, my heart seems like each beat comes with great effort.  I feel like I might implode.  It's not this way all the time, but it happens often enough.

My baby was due this week.  I fully expected that I'd have a new little fellow at our house, that I'd be sleep deprived, but also on an adrenaline high.  The feeling of "what a miracle" that comes when I hold my new babies in the hospital would be going on now.  And while I did get to experience that "what a miracle" sensation many times during the week Gideon was alive, it was not the same.  Usually, it happens in the middle of the night, as I nurse my newborn in the hospital room and look over at my husband and think about how awesome and wonderful my family is, how amazing it is that my body knows what to do and how to do it, how God has blessed me.  I still feel blessed, I still think my family is awesome, but I didn't get to have that moment in my room with my baby.  Not this time.  I never spent a night with him.  And that's really hard today. 

The last week, coming up to today has been tough.  I'm not really jealous of all the wonderful mothers I see with babies.  I was pregnant with some of my cousins and some of my sister-in-laws, and they all have their babies, and I have my pictures.  A picture is worth a thousand words, and I'm so grateful to have the pictures, but a thousand pictures is definitely not worth a baby.  I miss him.  I miss the way his soft head felt against my face.  I miss his tiny hands.  I miss how much he would have grown, and have had lots of reminders in the forms of other beautiful growing babies.  I can see how much they've changed since Gideon's birthday, and know that he would have grown and changed too.

Gideon was the 7th of 8 babies born to my family within the last year.  (8th is due in a few weeks)  Watching the others with their kids is wonderful and hard.  In some ways, I love each of those babies a little more, because holding them and hugging them is the closest thing I have to being able to hold mine, at least they are related to me.  I am always excited to see these beautiful cousins of my baby, my nieces and nephews, and if my emotions are in balance, I quickly snatch them up to give them love and attention when I see them.  It's awesome and also very tough to see them grow, and to know that my son would have been part of this little cohort.  I am sure that the remaining 7 will always be a little reminder of what I don't have here and now, and that's hard. 

So much of me wants to jump in and try to get pregnant already, but the doctor has advised against it, as I still need to heal up.  And frankly, I'm not excited to be sick for several months again.  I am NOT one of those women who have energy and "glow" during my pregnancy...I'm the one who pukes for 4 months.  (Could be worse, I don't puke for 9 months.)  But I MISS having a baby, that was the whole point of getting pregnant the last time, and I don't have him.

I know that he's still mine.  And I can't begin to express how wonderful it is to have that knowledge, the relief that I am still his mom, and he is still my boy, that he will be resurrected one day into a perfectly healthy child.  I am more grateful now for that gift than I ever was before.  I am more grateful for the blessings of the temple, which have sealed my family together forever, gluing him to me beyond mortality.  And I do trust Heavenly Father that this was his plan for Gideon, and for us.  I know I am learning and growing from this experience, but it hurts a lot.

Touching a picture isn't like holding a baby.  I have ached for him a lot this week as I have approached my due date, as I've watched many of the women I was pregnant with grow larger and have their babies (or not yet, there are still a few who are pregnant and growing).  I am so excited for each of them for the experiences they will get to have, but I miss having them with my baby.  If you are one of those women, PLEASE do not feel bad for me.  But please understand if I ask to hold your baby and then I cry.  Understand that I am loving the moment so much, and missing having those moments with my own son, but am glad to have them with your child if you'll let me.  Please don't feel sorry for me, but you can feel sorry with me, if you'd like.