The last few weeks, I've been struck with how much I don't know about the things that are going on in other people's hearts and minds. Before Gideon, I'd have made the assumption that losing a baby wasn't so bad, especially if you have other children. I'm sure there are losses that bear more weight than the loss of our infant son, and I can only imagine the depth of pain and hurt that many others must have experienced. I have changed in the way I understand grief. You don't really get over the loss of someone dear to you, instead I think you just get used to it. It changes what "normal" is for you, and feeling a sense of loss is just part of normal.
When it comes to making assumptions, guesses, and judgement calls about what another person is or should be feeling, DON'T. JUST DON'T. I can't even begin to describe how dumb and how bad I feel for ever thinking that someone should not (or should) be over it, or that something shouldn't be hard for them. The more I know, the more I know I don't know. It has been a supreme lesson to me (who grew up as an insufferable know-it-all) that I truly don't know as much as I think I did.
We (as human beings) have to make judgement calls. It's part of life. We have to determine if situations or people are safe, if they are helpful, if they will require more strength and time than we can physically commit. We do our best to judge according to the knowledge we have, and live according to those judgements. Too often, though, we overstep our judgement calls and begin to judge people, condemning and belittling people, simultaneously putting ourselves on an "I know better" pedestal and shutting ourselves away from the ability to feel compassion and learn from the people we're judging. DON'T. JUST DON'T. It harms both the person who is being judged and the person doing the judging. Let God be the judge, it's His job, and he'll be perfect for it.
I noticed something that I hadn't noticed before, as I observed my husband this week. He is a quieter man than I, and thinks things through very thoroughly. (Sometimes he thinks things through so thoroughly that it drives me crazy, as I just want to make something happen.) Not that I am a "fly by the seat of my pants" type person, but comparatively, I jump in and get my feet wet much more quickly than he does. Because of his deep thinker (and feeler) type personality, he often has moments where he just quietly starts to weep. We both miss Gideon at many different moments: birthdays, milestones in our children's lives, group hugs, family traditions. The way my husband deals with grief is different than the way I do. He takes it in, thinks about it, and he reverently treasures the memories we did have with Gideon. I guess I try to burn the emotion out. I work harder and need more to do to keep me busy. Once Gideon's funeral was over, I accepted very little help from others, because I knew I needed to be busy. I enrolled in a few college classes just days after the funeral. At Christmas time, I did extra service projects with my kids. I practiced the piano more. I just deal with it differently than my husband, and that's OK. If I had judged him or he had judged me for the way we dealt with our grief, we'd have only damaged our relationship, instead of allowing us to love each other with our differences. Some people thought he had a harder time than I did, but I'm not really sure if it's true or if he just had a different way of dealing with it. Maybe it has been harder for him; I don't know. And I'm not going to try to make that judgement call.
Why is it a competition anyway? Sometimes, I think we're trying to relate with someone else, and understand and compare their pain with ours. That can be taken too far though, when it becomes almost competitive in an "I've dealt with harder things than you" way or an "I could handle this with more grace and skill than you." type assumption. Someone actually said to my husband "Well, at least it's not as hard for you to lose your baby as it would be for me if I lost my 20 year old son." DON'T. EVER. SAY. THAT. TO. ANYONE. It's not a competition. Don't belittle someone else's grief or their struggles. And don't assume that someone had a harder or an easier time than you, or that you could handle it better or worse. You just don't know, and it doesn't matter.
It still hurts. I love this life, I love the depth and richness that the loss of my son has created in me, but it has come at a price. I am grateful for each day I have with my family, but part of that gratitude is born of pain that he's not here for these moments. Watching my little girl grow is a wondrous experience, I love seeing her personality, but part of my ability to truly treasure each moment is due to the loss of my son. People might look at me and see how much I love being a Mom, they might see me laugh at her smiles, and even laugh when she is upset, because I think she's so adorable and it's wonderful that she's alive, but they don't see me when I look at Gideon's handprints and footprints and gasp because I still miss him so much, and I want to have these moments with him right now too. They don't watch me tear up when my children decide to do a group hug and I know he is not part of it. Don't judge. Don't assume.
That's not to say that you shouldn't attempt to understand. While it is probably an impossible task to TRULY understand another person, as everyone has had a unique set of traits and experiences, the effort to be empathetic is good. In my grief, I have appreciated those who have cried with me, those who have been through it and were willing to share their own experience with me, and those who have simply told me that they are sorry and don't know what else to say. That they are willing to feel pain with me has meant so much to me at times, and it makes the burden feel shared (not really lighter, but shared.) When I have tried to empathize with other people, I have found that my heart has grown, and that I am able to learn so much more from them and from their situation than if I shrug it off, under the assumption that there's nothing I can do.
The bottom line is: you just don't know what someone is TRULY going through. Be compassionate, not judgmental, because you just don't know.
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