Something in me has changed, and I'll do my best to explain, but it's unusual and difficult to put into words. I never had issues with anxiety before Gideon was born. Hard things came and went, big plans happened, sometimes things turned out, sometimes they didn't, and I just rolled with it all, no trouble. I was a little more adventurous with my plans and projects. I have used the phrase "It feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest" to talk about how it feels trying to breathe when I have found myself so overcome with sadness and emotion, when it's been so overwhelming that it nearly crushes me. Since experiencing that new "elephant" sensation, I have found that it has spread to other areas of my life.
I don't exactly know why it spread, and I don't like it at all. My best guess, as I've self evaluated is that I know I have a perfect angel of a son in Heaven, so I feel more pressure now than ever to be perfect and good. I had an awesome epiphany a few weeks ago that is helping me to break the pattern of feeling so much overwhelming pressure to be perfect, and the disappointment that accompanies it as I fall short over and over.
It was my husband's birthday. I wanted so badly to have our home pristinely clean (which is CRAZY HARD), to have the perfect presents for him (complete with a few grand surprises), a fabulous, favorite, homemade dinner ready to go, and a festive, delicious dessert for his birthday treat. I wanted all the kids to behave perfectly, and I wanted to look beautiful. I wanted it all. My ambitions were far larger than my abilities, and I found myself in the "elephant on my chest" situation, and I began to feel that panicky, overwhelmed feeling. How was I going to make this birthday special? How was I going to help him feel so much love? As the day went on, I worked feverishly to make it all happen, but there was just no possible way.
Thankfully, I have a deep and strong sense of both logic and spirituality, and the two of them were able to help me talk myself out of a complete shut down of functionality.
I reminded myself that Scott didn't marry me because I was able to keep everything perfectly clean and organized, give him awesome presents, make him terrific meals/desserts, or know how to train people to behave perfectly. He loves me with and without perfect hair and makeup. He does love that I work hard to do all those things, that I love to try new things and explore the world around me, that I love nature, that I believe a job worth doing is worth doing well. He loves my bizarre perspective, and that I love to think about things deeply. He loves my deep down who I am inside, no matter what else is swirling all around. He loves ME, and wanting to do all those things is a part of me, but succeeding at them isn't necessarily part of the package, and he knows that. Talking myself through this, I was able to see that if I was trying to make his birthday special, it would be, even if it didn't turn out as perfectly as I wanted.
In that moment, I realized that I regularly set myself up with absolutely unattainable plans. I always have more good intentions than I have the ability to carry out, and I often hope for the most perfect scenario. In real life, there are red lights I'll have to stop at. People get sick sometimes. Food doesn't always turn out. I have to sleep. People are unpredictable, and children are especially unpredictable. I am going to forget things sometimes, because I am a human being. I'm going to get distracted sometimes. And that's OK. God doesn't love me because I am able to keep things perfectly clean and organized, give him awesome presents, make terrific meals/desserts, or because I know how to train people. He loves me without perfect hair and makeup, He loves that I try hard, try to do things right, love nature, enjoy trying and exploring new things, and work hard at the things I do. He loves my deep down self, He loves me for who I am inside. And so each day that I put forth effort, makes it a day that Heavenly Father will be pleased with.
I have not felt those heavy anxiety moments since my husband's birthday. If I start feeling anxious, I can take a step back and remember how much God loves me. He wants me to succeed as much as I do, but he understands that I am a mortal, surrounded by mortals and situations that I can't always control. HE LOVES ME for who I am, and as long as I am truly putting forth my best efforts, it will be good enough, because He planned to make up the difference all along. Its OK and good for me to keep having big dreams and big plans, and its OK for me to fall short often. God wants us to try to be perfect, and we'll inch toward it with the effort, but He'll make the difference, and we'll grow in the meantime.
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