Different each time, written Sept 2015

When I delivered both Gideon and Miriam and the nurses asked how many children I have at home, I answered, "Four" and they basically said, "Oh, you have this under control then."  I have caught myself telling so many people "This is not my first rodeo".  My nurses and doctors in the hospital didn't worry about me knowing how to push, how to breastfeed, and even my pediatrician thinks that I've done this enough times to remember what's normal and what isn't.  It feels great that so many people have confidence in me, but...Can you be a childbirth pro?  Can you really know and remember all there is to know all there is about what is normal for babyhood and childhood?  Yeah, I've done this more times than many, but 6 times at doing most things does not make me an expert. (Think about rock climbing, swimming, bowling, golfing; I've done those way more than 6 times and I am not really very good at any of them.)  When people treat me like I'm an old pro at this, I am not entirely sure it's true.  The experience is vastly different every time, so there are many moments when it feels like it's just a different first time.

My first baby just did not know how to eat.  I'm pretty sure that his eating instincts were somehow sort of broken.  The second was totally different, he was a great eater.  It wasn't until he got closer to school age that we could really notice some things that were VERY different about him--avoiding eye contact, strange sensory sensitivities, some social struggles, a true struggle to remember/memorize information--he was later diagnosed with mild autism and some learning disabilities with ADHD.  Our 3rd was a girl...that was a whole new experience by itself.  Who knew so many things could make someone cry?!  The 4th has been busy from the moment he was born, he was so alert and looking all around.  Our 5th was only able to be with us for a week--a week that taught me more about life than most of the other weeks of my life put together.  And here we are at number 6, still figuring out who she is.  She is a good eater, and pretty good natured thus far, but there is still so much to learn about her.  And there is still so much to learn about each one of my children. Each year brings new learning and understanding, new challenges and opportunities, new memories and insights.

In thinking about the confidence that people have in my ability to deal with Miriam, I have thought about how we maybe all start to get confident in our dealings with people once we've gotten used to a few, and that's not really how it is.  Every one is different.  Each interaction with each person will have a different meaning.  Some will be more profound, some will be more abrasive, some will teach  you, some will calm you, some will make you feel special, and others will make you wonder and doubt yourself.  In dealing with people, I don't know that there truly is an "expert" level.  Each year will bring new learning and understanding, new challenges and opportunities, new memories and insights.

I have caught myself wondering: Am I in tune with other people?  Am I in tune with myself?  Am I going into an experience in such a rush that I might miss the moments that could be special?  Am I missing the real moments and replacing them with virtual ones or with moments that don't really count for anything? 

One lesson that I have learned and carried after losing my baby is that you just don't know how many moments you'll have with any one that you care for, and it's important to make moments count.  And knowing how much I don't know about my Gideon...I don't know for sure what color his eyes or hair would be, what he would like to eat, what his voice would sound like....I also have realized that there is much I don't know about many other people who I do have time with.  Each moment is different, each experience, each stage of life such a new horizon to explore, and I don't want to miss out on knowing any of my loved ones because I missed out.  I don't want to decide that I'm an expert when there is really so much I don't know about my dear ones, and so many things to learn and experience together.

So here's to making each day dealing with humanity a different first time, making it special, and really, truly connecting with those around me.