Why me?

In the last few years, I've had the thought "Why me?" a multitude of times.  Often, I have used it when I feel like life has been giving me grief, despair, and overwhelming sadness.  I am also trying to use it during the moments when I am doing better than I deserve, which feels like a lot lately.

My baby girl is 6 months old today.

  It's completely awesome to me that she is a part of our lives, and I am not sure I can find the right words to express the tenderness and gratitude in my heart for the beautiful addition she is to our family. 

She is adored and treasured, and I wish all babies could feel so desired and loved.  There have been moments when I look down at her and think "Why me?"  "How am I this blessed?"

I'm still in shock and awe over all the things that have happened in the last years of my life.  I wouldn't have believed I could handle it all, and I might have said: "Why me?" if someone had explained it to me.  A miscarriage was hard.  Losing Gideon after a miscarriage was hard.  My paranoia and anxiety during my last pregnancy made it my hardest pregnancy of all, and I wondered why I had been called to endure these particular trials.  I know the Lord knows what I need to grow and become my best self, and I know He's a master creator, but just because I know and trust Him, doesn't mean I always understand why I have to go through things.  There have been other times in my life when the trials I was called to endure felt FAR beyond my ability to bear, and I have wondered "Why me?"

I also don't always understand why I'm as blessed as I am.  My life is not the picture of perfection, I have struggles, and I have weaknesses.  I also have amazing gifts and amazing people around me to share both my good and bad times with.  My husband is a loyal, hard-working man, who loves me and our children, and who treasures being a husband and father.  My children (even my 12 year old) love me, and have grown and matured so much as a result of losing their baby brother.  I have heard them express emotions and tidbits of wisdom that are highly unusual for children their age.  I have a wonderful army of family and friends who have dropped everything to be there for our family, and I know they would again.  I have felt the Lord's spirit speaking peace to my soul, bringing inspiration, guidance, and comfort when I have needed it.

A few times, both when I'm feeling overwhelmed by trials, and when I'm feeling in awe of my blessings, I've begun the song "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen.  "Is this the real life?  Is this just fantasy?"  That's how it feels.  My life is no fairy tale; it's not all bunnies, roses, and happily ever after, but I am learning to recognize my blessings more, and it makes me feel like I'm living a fantasy.  It's still challenging, but I wouldn't trade it away for anything.