Treasures

"Lay NOT up for yourselves treasures on earth where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal.  But lay up for yourselves treasure in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal."  Matthew 6: 19-20

That's a religious inspiration for this blog post, but it is not the only one, and the second is perhaps less religious, but follows the same idea.  Both inspirations have helped me to realize that I am quite wealthy, and growing wealthier every day.

After Gideon's death, a friend of mine referred me to a beautiful blog.  It's on facebook, called Mitchell's Journey  (Link here:Mitchell's Journey)  It has touched my soul: a father who lost his son to DMD blogs about his thoughts, feelings, experiences through grief and family time, and the memories he has.  I love it, he writes beautifully and expresses so well his faith and emotions.  On June 19th, he wrote a post called "A Measure of Wealth", which really resonated in my mind.  Like an echo, it keeps sounding in my thoughts and emotions.  My favorite quote from that post is "the measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your money."

Since I read it, I have spent a lot of time thinking about my actions, words, and thoughts, and what I'd be worth if all of a sudden I lost all my possessions and money.  What am I worth?  What are my REAL treasures?  Our family read the scripture verses that I quoted earlier, and talked about worldly treasures and heavenly treasures.  The kids and I came up with a short list of what we considered heavenly treasures: memories, knowledge, family, and relationships.  I think good habits and tendencies are also possibly something that could be added to that "heavenly treasures" list.  I have thought about the parts of my life I can "claim" as measures of my true worth. 

I am loved, and grateful to be loved and supported by so many friends.  Gideon's loss made me feel so very aware of how many people cared about our family.  Just like the rain that kept coming down (out of season for late July and August last year), I felt like I was being showered with strength, support, love, and prayers.  I know that my family is loved, and that I love many people in return.  As undeserving as I am, I am truly loved, and I know I'd be loved even if I had no money. 

I'm gonna get a little mushy here, but you've been warned, so just skip this paragraph if you'd prefer.  My husband and I don't have a perfect marriage (surprise!!), we argue and miscommunicate sometimes, and we frustrate each other with our odd quirks and obsessions, but we love each other.   I know I drive him crazy sometimes, but he loves me to pieces, and I'm so grateful for the strength of our friendship, and that I not only chose him, but continue to choose him each day of my life.  And he chooses me.  I really believe that a marriage decision is not made just on the day that you're married, but every day afterward.  I choose to love him, and I am so happy that he continues to choose to love me too.  I still feel so blessed by his love, and so secure in our marriage, even despite our lack of perfection.  There isn't a place in the world that feels safer to me than when I am with him.  When Gideon was born, I struggled to regain control of myself.  I haven't ever trembled like I did as I worried over him, and wondered how we would deal with all that we were asked to deal with.  It took Scott's arms around me to calm me down, after about an hour of shaking.  I love him so much, and I still often look at him and wonder how or why it is that he loves me so much, and what I ever did to deserve a love like the one I have.  Not that I'm a bad person, or that anyone and everyone doesn't deserve to find love, but true love is an amazing treasure, and I don't take it lightly.

I have a love and a passion for music and learning, and if every tangible possession I owned suddenly was gone, I still have all my knowledge and musical talents, and I'm glad that I've taken time and put effort into learning and growing the gifts I was blessed with, and then helping others to grow theirs too.  What a treasure!!

My children....all my children.  I have known I loved my kids from day one of motherhood, (although I did wonder what I was doing, and how I'd survive the tiny bundle that somehow simultaneously slept a lot and didn't let me sleep at all) but since Gideon, my time and relationships with each of them have become far more precious to me.  I still don't hug as often as I should, I still lose my temper over things I shouldn't, but I am trying harder and doing better to make sure that they know they are my treasures, that I love them deeply.  I have always been a mom who pushes my kids to grow and work hard, but now when they ask why I set high standards for them (and make them do spelling and math during the summer), I sincerely and happily explain that I love them so much and want to see them become the best people they can.  I am so excited for the chance I have to make memories with them, because those are treasures I can take with me, no matter whether I have money or not.  I have only 1 week of memories with my Gideon, but I hold those memories so dearly, and so do all my other kids. 

They remember him, what he felt like in their arms, the emotions they had as they knew he was probably going to die, and we love that we had that precious time with him.  We also love that he's in our family forever.

I can't even begin to express how awesome my family is.  I have so many wonderful feelings for my parents and siblings.  I like all their spouses, and love to spend time with them.  AND on top of all that, I love my in-laws.  (Yes, they read my blog.  No, that's not why I expressed my love for them.)  My husband's family feels like a family I was always supposed to be a part of.  His parents and siblings have always been immensely kind to me, and I know they really love me, not just because my husband chose me, but because they actually love me.  And I love them too.  That's a pretty special deal; I know lots of people who tolerate their in laws, and who are tolerated by their in-laws.  I have a very special treasure in both my biological family, and all the extras that are attached to me through my siblings or my spouse.

I have so many beautiful memories: memories of camp outs as a child, experiencing new lands and languages, as well as different parts of the U.S.  I caught fireflies with my siblings, I visited the Sea of Galilee with my family growing up, I have ice skated on frozen lakes in Alaska with friends.  I fell in love young, married in a temple that looks like a castle, and we just celebrated 14 years of marriage.  We have 5 children, with our 6th on the way, and each one has been an adventure.  I love that I have memories of my kids at the zoo, in Bryce, 

Arches, Canyonlands,

Yellowstone, Disneyland, as well as many other fun adventures camping, learning, and even just the funny every day things that young children do and say.  My memories and the emotions they stir in me are of immense worth.

I always wish that I had more time with Gideon.  I don't think that will ever change; I don't imagine that one day, I'll feel content with just knowing him for a few days.  My attitude, though, as I've thought about "REAL treasure", has caused me to look forward, trying to build up treasures, and has helped me shift to being more grateful that I and my family had the chance to add memories with him to our treasure box.  I can't go back and make memories out of mundane moments in my past, I can't go and make different choices that would add to my talents or my knowledge, but I can go forward and make sure I am adding treasure each day.  And that's what I'm trying to do now, build up treasure that lasts.