Love at first sight

I detest the story "Romeo and Juliet".  While I believe two people can connect almost instantly, whenever I read it, I am bothered by instant teenage crushes and drama and family tensions that shouldn't be, and I just dislike the whole thing.  I think there is much to be learned from the mistakes made by many of the parties within the story.  It makes me crazy when people think they are like Romeo and Juliet--they clearly have no idea what REALLY goes on in the story.  Perhaps part of my irritation with it is that I don't believe in love at first sight.

At least, I didn't believe in "love at first sight" until I became a mom to my second child.  Not that I don't love my first child, but the instant connection wasn't really there the first time around.  It was so surreal, so bizarre to be handed this child and make the transition between "my life" and "our life".  The first one blindsided me.  I had wanted to be a mother my entire life, but I still wasn't actually prepared for being a mother.  I am not sure anything can fully prepare you for the experience, besides just having it.

 It used to be so easy to go places, it used to be quiet, the messes I cleaned up used to be just my own.  I used to not have people follow me into the bathroom, answer the phone incorrectly, interrupt my conversations, and wake me up in the middle of the night with scary dreams or sick tummies.  I also used to not get to watch the magic of playing in the water, experience the excitement of discovering a new ability to roll over, laugh, crawl, walk, run, jump.  It used to be that I was missing out on hilarious moments where they say things the way they understand them.  I love watching my children learn, laugh, and live.

So after I had the experience of being a mother for a few years, and then I had a second child, I loved him immediately.  I knew some of what to expect, I knew it would be incredibly challenging, but I knew how many moments I'd get to have and treasure with him.  Each child after was the same story....love at first sight.  I held them and knew what treasures they contained, I loved the potential for getting to know them, the wondering what their eye color and hair color would be, what would make them laugh, all the adventures we'd have together.

Each successive child has come with a huge dose of love at first sight.  It has even begun to happen earlier and earlier, and I have caught myself crying at the sound of fetal heartbeats with my last few children.  I love them from that early on.  This has been a wonderful blessing, but it has also been terrible since Gideon died.  My son was pretty much a complete stranger to me, but I love him so much.  I have discovered that grief comes not just because of missing all we did get to have with those we loved, but also missing the things we DIDN'T get to have when they left.  Lost potential, lost chances, those are some of the things that break my heart the most.

Knowing that God has a plan that includes second chances has eased that aspect.  I know I'll get to see him again, and that makes it not as painful.  It is still very hard now, because he's not here with me, but I trust that I will get to know him, get to watch him laugh, crawl, walk, run, jump and say funny things, and that helps a little bit.  I still want to hold him.  I have missed him over the last several months, wondering how he'd have enjoyed snow, spring, fireworks, playing in the grass, eating new foods.  I am grateful to love him so much, grateful for that "love at first sight" that bonded me to him so early, but my heart misses all the moments that I'm not having with him.

I don't know how it feels to be God, but I do wonder if He loves us in that "love at first sight" way: he loves our potential.  He knows that each of us will come with new our own set of learning and challenges, funny things we'll say and do, odd quirks, our own unique sense of humor, and He is probably excited to watch us learn, grow, and discover.  I imagine He is so saddened when people throw away their potential, ruin the chance at wonderful moments they might have had.  I hope to not break his heart, and to help all of my family members do the same--reach that amazing potential they have somewhere inside.

Extra hugs are in order tonight, anyone who wants can join me in giving their loved ones an extra dose of "I love you" in whatever way is most meaningful to them.  I'm grateful to have so many loved ones still here with me, and I hope they know it, and I hope Gideon knows he is loved too.