I don't want to miss a thing

It is amazing to me how much it still hurts to see Gideon's name in print.  I don't have very many documents with his name on them--his death certificate, medical bills with his name on them, his social security card.  There is a finality, knowing that it's a limited experience, that sometimes makes me want to yell and scream when I get mail with his name on it, and sometimes I want to frame the documents carefully, knowing that there won't be many more of these coming.  I don't want to shut them out, because I want to see as much of him as I can, but it hurts to know he's not here.

I have been trying to sort and organize the desk in my room, something I haven't done in months, and I found several papers with his name on them this week.  It's an odd anomaly that when one starts deep cleaning, the mess gets worse before it gets better.  I feel like emotionally it's been a deep cleaning week too.  It's been a week where his picture has made my heart hurt, seeing his name makes my heart hurt, watching my children have a good time makes me long to have him with us.  Family gatherings for Father's Day were bittersweet, as all the babies are now crawling or walking, but mine is not here.  I have missed him so much this week.

I feel a heavy pull to make all my time really matter now.  I don't know how much time I will have here on earth, I don't know how much time I will get with any of my children.  Along with the feelings of heart ache and pain are feelings of gratitude for each day I have with people I love, and a very motivated desire to make my time here on earth count.  I want to be sure that my children have many moments of learning, laughing, and enjoying their lives, and I don't want to miss things.  For a long time, I have considered home schooling my kids, but Gideon's death has made that pull even stronger.  I don't want to miss a thing--I want to be more a part of their learning journey, to witness their discoveries, to learn with them and share new things with them each day.

I have some funny memories associated with the song "I don't want to miss a thing" by Aerosmith.  Video "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" with lyrics  It was popular when I was in high school, and I enjoyed it a lot.  I also enjoyed singing and being dramatic (shocking--I know) and my sisters and I were known to bust into full lip syncing mode to this song.  It's so applicable to how I feel right now.  I miss feeling my baby's heart beat.  I wondered what he was thinking about when he was asleep.  I thanked God for the time we had, knowing that our moments were so brief, and wishing they would last longer than they did.  In hindsight, I wish I would have stayed awake just to hear him breathing...

I still wish I'd have spent more time with Gideon.  Hindsight lends me the perspective that my time was so limited with him, I was so overwhelmed at the time that I sometimes sat there with no words, just staring at my baby and wondering what would happen.  With the ability to look back, I wish I'd have brought books to read to him, so he could hear my voice more.  I'd have sung more, held him longer, taken even more pictures with him, kissed his hands and tiny feet more, and told him all about things I loved about living on earth.  I'd have talked to him, just to sieze that chance.

I can't go back.  I have no ability to redo that week, and I'm trying not to beat myself up about what happened.  We were doing the best we could with the knowledge we had at the time.  More than ever, I want to live so I can look back and not wish I'd have done it differently.  I want to sieze the opportunities I'm blessed with and make the most of them.  I don't want to miss a thing.