Life Lessons from Motherhood: untangling a slinky

In the typical, weird me fashion, I learned a profound lesson by watching and helping my children play this week. 

I have a love-hate relationship with slinkies.  They're fun to play with, and they do some terrific scientific demonstrations of waves.  Slinkies on stairs are pretty awesome, and they feel pretty cool in your hands and are somewhat mesmerizing.  This euphoric awesomeness can quickly be destroyed by shaking a slinky like a dog and tangling it up into a nearly unsolvable 3-D puzzle...which inevitably happens when my younger children play with one.  My 5 year old has a  particularly cute way of bringing me a mess of a slinky and saying "I'm sorry, Mom." The last time he did this, I murmured to myself as I started unwinding and figuring out the complex puzzle that he had created with his random, crazy, shaking way of playing with the slinky.  I knew the slinky meant a lot to him, but I still debated about throwing it away, because of the amount of time it would take to fix it.  I was frustrated with having to untangle it (again), and I said a quick prayer that I'd be able to somehow make use of the time I was spending on the slinky for other good things.  BAM! Inspiration hit.

I thought about how we are all like slinkies.  Each of us has a purpose, a plan.  We come in different shapes, sizes, colors and capacities, but we can all do some pretty nifty stuff...but not if we're randomly going every which way, running here and there and being completely scattered by this and that whim.  We have to pursue goals, we NEED to make plans and attempt to follow through with them.  Not that we have to have everything under perfect control, or completely organized all the time...sometimes we're going to drop the ball (or slinky) and it's still going to be fine.  Maybe a little tangle, but nothing we can't handle.  But life...it scrambles us.  We get distracted by this and that thing, and we start chasing different dreams, and getting confused about what we want, and where to find it, and pretty soon....we're a tangled mess.  And like my sweet little boy handed me the slinky and said "I'm sorry, Mom." and asked me to fix it, God can untangle our messes.  He knows what he's doing.  He's never tempted to throw us away, because we are of infinite worth to Him.  He will ALWAYS help us with the messes we create, even when we create them day after day after day.     I've approached Him many times with a tangled mess and an "I'm sorry" and He has worked healing miracles in my life.

Hiking, climbing, and growing in 2015

This week, I got to take a short trip to St George UT and while there, I hiked and climbed around some red rocks with my children, while my sweet Mom watched our baby.  I love to hike and climb, and I thought about how life can sometimes be like a hike: you start out with good intentions and hopes, and the going sometimes gets rough--so rough you want to quit, but instead, you take a breather, and keep going.  The distance almost always sounds easier than it actually feels, it always feels like I'm hiking way farther than the distance the map or pamphlet tells me I am.  Sometimes, as I'm hiking, especially if one of my knees starts hurting, I wonder if the views will be worth it, and they are, they always are....they always make me feel alive and excited to be on this gorgeous planet Earth.

2015 has been like that.  I started the year with a lot of fresh emotional pain, having experienced our first Christmas season after the loss of a child.  I had just learned that I was expecting and I was excited and terrified after how badly things had gone during the last pregnancy.  Still, it felt like it was the path to take, and so I took it.  I continued to teach piano, thrust myself into helping others and into having fun and making memories with my family.  I read the 5th Harry Potter book to my kids, was better about going on dates with my husband (until new baby got here), and cried during many of our happy moments, because I wanted to share them with Gideon too.  I have had to stop for breathers when life gets too overwhelming.  I always imagined it would be hard to have a family and to lose a child, but the actual journey feels harder and longer than I ever thought.  It is also awesomely worth it; I have been blessed with many terrific happy moments when my heart is brimming full of joy and delight. This pregnancy went well, and while we still miss our son and still cry during special family times when the lack of his presence is felt strongly, we now have a beautiful baby daughter with us, who has blessed our family immensely.

2015 could also compare to rock climbing.  We have had others "on belay" to catch us, and help us when we slip.  We've been guided by those with a broader perspective.  When you are climbing, you can't always see the hand holds and foot holds that others standing behind you can see--the rock is in your face and you are desperately clinging and attempting to figure a way to go up, but since they have a broader view, they can direct you "reach your left foot out about a foot and feel for that little ridge", when you couldn't see it. Trusting in God, we have managed to climb, despite the overwhelming nature of what we faced, despite feeling stuck and unsure of what to do or which way to go.  He has guided us to some terrific "hand holds" and "foot holds" and we've been able to continue to progress and to even have moments where we are able to look back and see how far we've come.  We'll still fall sometimes, but we've climbed further with His help than we could have without it.

I know my journey is not over, that I have other trials to face, other hikes to take, other mountains to climb.  I'll admit, I'm nervous and scared, but I'm also excited for the views ahead, for the strength I will gain, and the relationships that I will strengthen through those experiences.  Happy New Year to all my dear friends and family who read and share in this journey with us.

All heaven broke loose

There is a phrase for moments when things go drastically wrong: "All hell broke loose."  I have been thinking a lot about Christmas and snow this past week (we got over a foot of snow within 2 days) and wondering about the moments when things go overwhelmingly right.  Why don't we say "all heaven broke loose"?

For example: when Christ was born, the scriptures explain that there was a multitude of heavenly hosts who shared in the happy and excited moment through singing.  I have wondered: Was I there?  Did I rejoice with the angels and sing at his birth?  Did Gideon and I sing together, as we marveled at the gifts that we'd be given--a second chance at life, a resurrected perfect body, understanding from an all-knowing and all-loving being who was willing to experience all of our pain and suffering, so that we don't have to carry our burdens alone?  I am pretty sure that the moment that the heavenly hosts sang, the phrase "all heaven broke loose" would have applied.

I've enjoyed the beauty of the world so much, and the stillness, peace, and silence that occur when a thick snow is coming down.  The world is such an amazing place, given by a phenomenal Creator, and as the snow fell hard and fast this week, I thought "all heaven must be breaking loose".  In the quiet calm of that snow, I thought of the words to Silent Night...all is calm, all is bright.  And I think the word could easily be replaced with "all is right."  Even though the Savior of the world was being born in a stable, even though there were evil men plotting his demise, even though wickedness still existed in the world, it was an "all is right" type moment.

I don't know if I was there singing with those angels, and if I was there, could I really understand then how much my Savior's gifts would mean to me, prior to experiencing the love of family, the pain of sickness, the emptiness of loss, and the painful moments that sometimes happen and then haunt you throughout life?  Did I weep then because I loved and appreciated him?  I don't know, but I know that I weep now.  I LOVE my Savior.  No gifts will ever compare to His gifts. 

There continue to be moments in my life when I recognize His hand; I feel His blessings snowing down on me, creating a peace and calm that I can't duplicate on my own.  I want to do more to embrace them, to recognize them, to stop and revel in the wonder of the miracles and mercies that are coming down from heaven.  Somehow, during the last year and a half, I have become aware that "all heaven breaks loose" on me more often than I ever realized it before, and I have been often been very oblivious to it.  I don't know exactly how I'll achieve it, but it's a goal I'll probably have to work on for the rest of my life: to get better at seeing and acknowledging those times for what they really are...moments when all heaven broke loose.

perspectives

Another one of my "nerdy life parallels".  You know when you use a microscope, how changing the lens (or perspective) can make a huge difference?   If you have the magnification up to high, it can be hard to find what you are even looking at--you might confuse the edge of the slide or a piece of dust with the specimen you're supposed to be actually looking at.  It's usually better to start out on a lower power of magnification as you are finding and focusing on your specimen, then increase the magnification.  However, the lesser magnification (or perspective) doesn't give you a close enough look to truly grasp the structure of your specimen, and you need to increase the strength and power of your magnification to really see and understand what you are looking at.  Sometimes, you think you are seeing something on the lens, and then once you start focusing, you realize that you were looking only at an air bubble in your slide, or a piece of dust.  (No hiding it now, I'm a nerd of epic proportions.)  Since we learned that Gideon might not get to stay here on earth with us, I feel like my life has gone through a series of perspective and focus changes, similar to what you'd experience while viewing things under a microscope.

In some ways, I have taken a step back.  My perspective has broadened, I am looking at the "bigger picture" instead of just focusing on a smaller piece or a smaller detail.  I have a greater sense of God's perspective (which I intensely prayed for as we dealt with the reality of his medical problems and then his loss) and I can see myself as who I was and who I am and who I want to be.  Not that I understand why, but I know that God understands why, and that one day, when I'm able to even see things from a greater distance, I'll see it too.

I also feel like my ability to magnify and take a closer look at the smaller details of my life has improved.  I can more readily see how individual pieces are able to make up the whole.  Even when dealing with other people, I feel like my intuition has grown, I can better sympathize and understand people's feelings, having deeply explored grief and pain myself so recently.  Again, I don't feel like I understand everything about everyone, and in some ways, I feel like this dose of "magnification" has helped me to realize how much I still don't know and understand about each person.  I have found that I am better able to sense feelings and empathize with others, though.

My ability to focus has also grown.  As I am blessed with understanding of life, of the "big picture", I can tell when I am focusing on insubstantial things, and I can back up, readjust, and zoom back in on something that is "real".  I don't need to waste time on proverbial "air bubbles", and I am better at quickly recognizing them.  I have become increasingly frustrated at things that waste my time, or that don't help me to grow in one realm or another, be it socially, mentally, physically, or spiritually.  I want to make my time and efforts count each day.

While it has been painful to come by, I am grateful for the increased ability to change perspectives.  Life has taken on new meanings, and in many ways has become better and more fully enjoyable because of them, although I also find a deeper level of sorrow and pain, even when empathizing with others. I wish there was a less painful way to have grown in the ability to look at things from different angles, but I'll take the learning and growth with the pain, knowing that one day the pain will be gone, and the perspective will have changed my life for the better.

An extra stocking

My children are old enough that they can "Deck the Halls" without needing much assistance, so when I pulled out our tote full of Christmas stuff on the day after Thanksgiving, we all began putting up the tree, adding ornaments and tinsel, and hanging stockings, and since we're all capable, it happened pretty quickly.  We were having fun looking at their homemade ornaments from years past, and we listened to Christmas music as we hung them on our tree.

I turned from my tree to look at my mantle, and my oldest child had hung 6 children's stockings...underneath Gideon's picture is a stocking with a little stuffed animal in it.  I had to hold back tears.  I almost asked him to take it down, because looking at that extra stocking was surprisingly hard.  Sometimes I wonder why this still hurts so much, why I still miss him so very much.  He was only here for a week, it seems like it shouldn't be so painful, to miss someone that I didn't even get the chance to know very well.  In some ways the fact that he was here such a short time makes it easier, and in other ways, I think it's harder because there is so much that I missed, so many memories I don't have of him.

That stocking has stuck with me for the last week, but it has turned out to be a remarkably good thing.  Of course, with Black Friday last week and Cyber Monday this week, many places offered special sales and deals, and I have hunted for awesome prices on just the right presents that I know my family will actually use and enjoy.  The extra stocking though...created a problem for me.  How do I fill that stocking?  In some ways, thinking of Gideon's stocking has kept me grounded, given me a dose of perspective in the buying and shopping, because there is nothing I can buy to fill that stocking.  Candy and toys are out of the question.  No blankets or stuffed animals will be placed inside.  (My children put that stuffed animal into it, it was in one of the flower arrangements we received for his funeral, and they have taken turns sleeping with it since his death.)  Thinking of the ways I can fill that stocking has reminded me of the gifts that are most precious and most important.

What can I give my little angel up in heaven?  I want to give him my attention, my time, my hugs and love, and that's hard.  Every thing I want to give him is intangible, there's no way to fill a stocking with kindness, with love, with trying harder to be better, and with giving my heart to those around me.  I think that as I try to become more angelic, more perfect, I become closer to the perfect angel that he is, and more like the Heaven he is experiencing.  I also become more like my Savior, and I'm sure he'd appreciate me being more kind, loving, dedicated, and happy too.  That's what I want to put in this extra stocking.  How does one fill a stocking with such things?

I happened upon the idea that each day, I'd write down the good things I'm doing to draw myself nearer to my Savior, and also nearer to what I'd consider angelic.  I have enlisted the help of our family, and it's a team effort this holiday season, to fill Gideon's stocking.  Each day, when one of us does something that helps us to come closer to Christ or closer to perfection, we can write it down and add it to that stocking.  Gideon is a perfect little being, who never made a mistake.  We know he's up in the highest heaven, and we all want to be with him, so we need to work on being as good as we can.  We have added things like "I read my scriptures today"  or "I gave someone an extra long hug because it seemed like they needed it", and "I tried really hard to get all my work done in school today.",   It is good at the end of each day for us to sit back and reflect on the good things we have done to make a difference in the world.   Sometimes, the kids can't think of what they did to be better or kinder, and so we team up to find positive things that were said or done, so each of us gets to contribute to the stocking each day.  We are going to write down the scriptures we have been working on memorizing and add those to it.  They are gifts we are giving to our angel in heaven Gideon, and also to Jesus, and to ourselves.

At first, I thought that the extra stocking would make it harder for me each day, and I won't lie, it's still hard to look at it each day, and miss my little boy very much.  However, that extra stocking has inspired all of us to be better, to do more with our time on earth, to reach for our best selves.  I wonder why I have never thought to hang an extra stocking before, since it is Jesus' birthday we celebrate after all, so hanging a stocking for him and giving him of the things that matter most makes so much sense.  I am hoping this will transform our Christmas season, bringing us closer to our Savior and by helping us become more each day than what we were the day before.  I hope that by daily seeking to do good, and help others in our family see the good that they are doing, that we will feel closer to our perfect angel that we still miss so much.

Thankful for bees

This past Sunday, I happened to be walking past the primary room (where the children from ages 3-12 do their Sunday School and learn music) and I overheard a snippet of a lesson being taught.  The woman teaching it was encouraging the children to be grateful in all things (a command found in MANY places in the scriptures, such as 1 Thessalonians 5:18, Alma 7:23, and Psalm 147:7) and she asked them: "Are we thankful for bumblebees?"  The room erupted with varied responses, and I giggled as I walked past.  Many children obviously had a hard time being grateful for bees.  There is this HUGE thing that makes bees really hard to appreciate. They sting.... and it hurts...a lot.  As I walked past again a few minutes later, I could hear different children and teachers pointing out good things that bees do, such as pollinate many trees and plants, and make honey.  I think that they arrived at the conclusion that they could be grateful for bees, even though bees sometimes sting.

I have been thinking about this ALL week long.  Trials sting.  Death, loss, and sickness all sting.  Snowmobiling accidents cause a lot of pain.  These things are hard to be grateful for.  As I look back now, I can see how I am better because of these "stinging" experiences.  Life holds more joy, even while holding more pain.  I relish the time with my family now, more than ever before.  I am so grateful to be able to walk, dance, run, play, lift, and carry babies.  I'm so aware of the difference that one life can make.  These are the honey, the pollination that spreads good things everywhere, and make fruit possible.  I continue to reap the fruits of the lessons I learn from my trials.  They bless me each day, despite the sting.

In the moment of a sting, when it is fresh and throbbing, it's very difficult to be grateful for bees.  The pain supersedes the ability to see all the good that comes from something that would cause it.  As a little time passes, and the pain and swelling lessen, it might only occasionally throb, and then it heals completely.  No scars, no lasting effects, besides the honey and the pollination.  Then it is a little easier to appreciate the bees for the "big picture".

After an accident, an illness, or a loss, the pain is overwhelming.  Given some time, the pain still ebbs and flows, but it doesn't knock you down as much as before.  These types of things don't really heal completely, sometimes they leave behind residual scars or effects.  Our family has learned and adapted to the new normal, where "sad gets into our happy" and where life and family have a deeper meaning to us.  I realized, as I heard the discussion about bees that I am no longer in so much constant, overwhelming pain, that it has become easier to appreciate the good things that have come from it.  I am so glad to be at a point where the pain doesn't constantly supersede my ability to recognize the good influences that have come from the loss, sickness, and accidents I've experienced.  It is a little easier to glimpse the big picture, and appreciate the stings with the good things that have also happened.

So I am thankful for bees.  Happy Thanksgiving!!

Simple faith

I have not blogged in a while, because I have had a difficult time finding words for all that I am feeling.  There are still definitely moments when I just don't have words, whether to express my grief at the loss of my son, or the grief as I hurt with people whose hearts feel truly wounded.  There is much of tension and pain in the world, and much of judging and misjudging, and it saddens me so much.

This particular post is in reference to the reactions to the updates on the handbook of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (also called Mormons).  It has prompted me to do an intense amount of thinking, studying, praying, and soul searching.  I have tried hard to make my thoughts and feelings clear, but I'm sure I'll botch it up.  I'm limited by words, which can't really do my feelings justice.  I will certainly try to explain my feelings, promptings, and thoughts, which are simultaneously very simple and complex.

Simple question: Do I believe God and Jesus Christ are the author of this church?  Absolutely.  It's not a church belonging to apostles, or people, it's God's church.

Simple question: Do I believe the apostles are called of God to lead his church?  Yes.  I've heard them speak and felt their words touch my heart.  They LOVE people, they are kind, good men who encourage each of us to be better than ourselves.

Simple question: Do I believe the scriptures were given by God to direct his children on earth?  Yes.  A man once told me that life is an open book test.  God sent us here with instructions, with a road map.  I want to do all I can to follow it.

It then mostly boils down to this simple question: Is homosexuality a sin?  The scriptures make it clear that homosexuality is a sin (Genesis 19, Leviticus 18:22, 2 Timothy 3:1-5) PAUSE before you call me a "homophobe."  I have both friends and family who are homosexuals...do I fear or hate them because they are sinning??  I think that's preposterous.  I love them lots and lots.  God loves me, and I'm a sinner.  Do I judge them harshly because they are sinners?  NO!!!  I definitely don't want to judge them harshly, because we are told multiple places in the scriptures that the way we judge others will be the way we are judged. (Matthew 7:1-2)  He also reminds us that we should not cast stones if we are sinners. (John 8:1-7)  God will know our hearts and challenges, and judge us fairly, and I'll leave that job to him, I'm sure that I can't do as good a job as He will.  Of course, we have to make some judgements in our day to day life, and again, the scriptures back that up.  We are supposed to judge situations and circumstances to see if they will help us to be good and righteous or not. (Bible: Leviticus 19:15, John 7:24. Luke 12:57.  Book of Mormon Moroni 7: 12-14.)  Back to the first simple question: if I am following Christ and God, then I love all people, especially sinners (which is all of us).  I associate with them, I eat with them, I walk with them, and I also encourage them to become better than who they are (just like I want them to do for me--good friends do help you become your best self.)  I want them to be happy, and I want them to also follow Jesus and choose to follow His commandments, but my love for them is not conditional on their choices.  I appreciate that they want me to be happy, and I may not agree with the way they think I should do it, and I hope they feel the same way.   I hope others want to be with me, even though I'm a sinner, and I am grateful for their love and encouragement, despite my imperfections.

This begs the question: if we desire to associate with all people, all sinners, then why not allow the children of homosexual couples to be baptized until they're 18 years old?  I struggled with this, so I prayed about this.  After all, if it's God's church, and God is my father and hears my prayers, won't He answer them?  This is where He took my thoughts as I have pondered and sought for answers.  Baptism is a commandment, found in multiple places in the scriptures (Matt 3:15-16, Acts 2:38, Alma(Book of Mormon) 7:14).  However, a doctrine that is unique to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon church) is that baptism is a covenant or a promise that we make.  Through baptism, we promise to follow Him, to join with His church, to serve Him, and to mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort (Book of Mormon, Mosiah 18: 8-10 & 13).  It is not a promise to be taken lightly, or a commitment that should be shrugged off when it gets hard, and it does.  (Now I realize that MANY people have entered into this commitment and "dropped the ball", and so have I.  Let's not dwell on the hypocrisy of all humanity, as we strive to be better than what we are, but fall short repeatedly.) 

We believe that it's a serious thing to walk away from knowledge, light, and truth, and that there is increased accountability to God for shrugging off our promises to Him after we've made them.  And living in a home where homosexuality is normal and accepted does strongly contradict the teachings of the Savior.  How difficult would it be to be the person who made a serious commitment to live according to God's commandments, to believe that practicing homosexuality is wrong, and then also live in a home where homosexuality was practiced?  Would the parents approve and be OK with their child's decision?  Could it alienate the child from their family during the years when they need so much support and love?  Wouldn't it cause immense tension?  And won't a child who has joined a church and sees their parental figures sinning in a way that is wholly disapproved by the church have a very difficult time with not judging their parents?  I truly feel that it would put both the child and their parents into an extremely tense and difficult situation, and would definitely make it harder for this child to both keep their serious promises to God and to love and not judge their family, and for their family to feel loved and accepted by them.  So the age at which they can be baptized was moved up to 18 for children in this type of situation.  They are still welcomed (and encouraged) to attend church, to ask for and receive priesthood blessings, and to participate in callings (assignments/responsibilities.)  This will give them time to decide if baptism is truly something they want to commit to, so that they don't commit and walk away, and will give them time to mature a little, so they can learn how to love and not to judge people who make different choices than they are deciding to make.

Honestly, I bet there is more to it than that.  Sometimes we won't understand why God does certain things.  In Isaiah 55:8, the Lord reminds us that his thoughts are not our thoughts, and his ways are not our ways.  I don't understand the ins and outs of everything under creation.  I don't know exactly why the leaders of the church felt prompted to make this a policy, but after I prayed about it I felt better about it.

If it's His church, and we are His children, and He wants what is best for us, He will help us understand.  Perhaps we won't have all the answers today, or tomorrow.  I don't understand why my infant son had to die, why I only had 1 week with him here on earth.  I sure miss him, and I wish it had been part of God's plan to heal him and let him stay here.  I believe, though, that God knows what he is doing, and that one day, I'll understand why, and that I'll actually be grateful to the Lord for the things he put in motion in my life.  I believe that one day, we'll also see this situation through his eyes, and it will make more sense.  In the meantime, I am going to trust his apostles. 

This is not blind faith.  I struggled with the policy when I first heard about it, I hurt for children and families that it may affect.  That is precisely why I spent so much time asking God for help.  I know that God answers prayers, He has answered mine in more times and ways than I can list here.  I know that I've felt the spirit when I've heard the apostles, and that they are kind, loving men who are trying to make the world a better place.  I am trying to follow their example by loving, serving, learning, and reaching to be better than my best each day, and by letting my faith lead me forward on a path to be more like my Savior, who both asked people to follow Him by keeping his commandments (John 14:15), and also who asked us to love one another as He loves us (John 13:34).