This week, I got to take a short trip to St George UT and while there, I hiked and climbed around some red rocks with my children, while my sweet Mom watched our baby. I love to hike and climb, and I thought about how life can sometimes be like a hike: you start out with good intentions and hopes, and the going sometimes gets rough--so rough you want to quit, but instead, you take a breather, and keep going. The distance almost always sounds easier than it actually feels, it always feels like I'm hiking way farther than the distance the map or pamphlet tells me I am. Sometimes, as I'm hiking, especially if one of my knees starts hurting, I wonder if the views will be worth it, and they are, they always are....they always make me feel alive and excited to be on this gorgeous planet Earth.
2015 has been like that. I started the year with a lot of fresh emotional pain, having experienced our first Christmas season after the loss of a child. I had just learned that I was expecting and I was excited and terrified after how badly things had gone during the last pregnancy. Still, it felt like it was the path to take, and so I took it. I continued to teach piano, thrust myself into helping others and into having fun and making memories with my family. I read the 5th Harry Potter book to my kids, was better about going on dates with my husband (until new baby got here), and cried during many of our happy moments, because I wanted to share them with Gideon too. I have had to stop for breathers when life gets too overwhelming. I always imagined it would be hard to have a family and to lose a child, but the actual journey feels harder and longer than I ever thought. It is also awesomely worth it; I have been blessed with many terrific happy moments when my heart is brimming full of joy and delight. This pregnancy went well, and while we still miss our son and still cry during special family times when the lack of his presence is felt strongly, we now have a beautiful baby daughter with us, who has blessed our family immensely.
2015 could also compare to rock climbing. We have had others "on belay" to catch us, and help us when we slip. We've been guided by those with a broader perspective. When you are climbing, you can't always see the hand holds and foot holds that others standing behind you can see--the rock is in your face and you are desperately clinging and attempting to figure a way to go up, but since they have a broader view, they can direct you "reach your left foot out about a foot and feel for that little ridge", when you couldn't see it. Trusting in God, we have managed to climb, despite the overwhelming nature of what we faced, despite feeling stuck and unsure of what to do or which way to go. He has guided us to some terrific "hand holds" and "foot holds" and we've been able to continue to progress and to even have moments where we are able to look back and see how far we've come. We'll still fall sometimes, but we've climbed further with His help than we could have without it.
I know my journey is not over, that I have other trials to face, other hikes to take, other mountains to climb. I'll admit, I'm nervous and scared, but I'm also excited for the views ahead, for the strength I will gain, and the relationships that I will strengthen through those experiences. Happy New Year to all my dear friends and family who read and share in this journey with us.
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