An extra stocking

My children are old enough that they can "Deck the Halls" without needing much assistance, so when I pulled out our tote full of Christmas stuff on the day after Thanksgiving, we all began putting up the tree, adding ornaments and tinsel, and hanging stockings, and since we're all capable, it happened pretty quickly.  We were having fun looking at their homemade ornaments from years past, and we listened to Christmas music as we hung them on our tree.

I turned from my tree to look at my mantle, and my oldest child had hung 6 children's stockings...underneath Gideon's picture is a stocking with a little stuffed animal in it.  I had to hold back tears.  I almost asked him to take it down, because looking at that extra stocking was surprisingly hard.  Sometimes I wonder why this still hurts so much, why I still miss him so very much.  He was only here for a week, it seems like it shouldn't be so painful, to miss someone that I didn't even get the chance to know very well.  In some ways the fact that he was here such a short time makes it easier, and in other ways, I think it's harder because there is so much that I missed, so many memories I don't have of him.

That stocking has stuck with me for the last week, but it has turned out to be a remarkably good thing.  Of course, with Black Friday last week and Cyber Monday this week, many places offered special sales and deals, and I have hunted for awesome prices on just the right presents that I know my family will actually use and enjoy.  The extra stocking though...created a problem for me.  How do I fill that stocking?  In some ways, thinking of Gideon's stocking has kept me grounded, given me a dose of perspective in the buying and shopping, because there is nothing I can buy to fill that stocking.  Candy and toys are out of the question.  No blankets or stuffed animals will be placed inside.  (My children put that stuffed animal into it, it was in one of the flower arrangements we received for his funeral, and they have taken turns sleeping with it since his death.)  Thinking of the ways I can fill that stocking has reminded me of the gifts that are most precious and most important.

What can I give my little angel up in heaven?  I want to give him my attention, my time, my hugs and love, and that's hard.  Every thing I want to give him is intangible, there's no way to fill a stocking with kindness, with love, with trying harder to be better, and with giving my heart to those around me.  I think that as I try to become more angelic, more perfect, I become closer to the perfect angel that he is, and more like the Heaven he is experiencing.  I also become more like my Savior, and I'm sure he'd appreciate me being more kind, loving, dedicated, and happy too.  That's what I want to put in this extra stocking.  How does one fill a stocking with such things?

I happened upon the idea that each day, I'd write down the good things I'm doing to draw myself nearer to my Savior, and also nearer to what I'd consider angelic.  I have enlisted the help of our family, and it's a team effort this holiday season, to fill Gideon's stocking.  Each day, when one of us does something that helps us to come closer to Christ or closer to perfection, we can write it down and add it to that stocking.  Gideon is a perfect little being, who never made a mistake.  We know he's up in the highest heaven, and we all want to be with him, so we need to work on being as good as we can.  We have added things like "I read my scriptures today"  or "I gave someone an extra long hug because it seemed like they needed it", and "I tried really hard to get all my work done in school today.",   It is good at the end of each day for us to sit back and reflect on the good things we have done to make a difference in the world.   Sometimes, the kids can't think of what they did to be better or kinder, and so we team up to find positive things that were said or done, so each of us gets to contribute to the stocking each day.  We are going to write down the scriptures we have been working on memorizing and add those to it.  They are gifts we are giving to our angel in heaven Gideon, and also to Jesus, and to ourselves.

At first, I thought that the extra stocking would make it harder for me each day, and I won't lie, it's still hard to look at it each day, and miss my little boy very much.  However, that extra stocking has inspired all of us to be better, to do more with our time on earth, to reach for our best selves.  I wonder why I have never thought to hang an extra stocking before, since it is Jesus' birthday we celebrate after all, so hanging a stocking for him and giving him of the things that matter most makes so much sense.  I am hoping this will transform our Christmas season, bringing us closer to our Savior and by helping us become more each day than what we were the day before.  I hope that by daily seeking to do good, and help others in our family see the good that they are doing, that we will feel closer to our perfect angel that we still miss so much.