Christmas thoughts and feelings that I am finally putting into words

The last few months have been filled with moments when I and the people around me do not have any words to say.  I do not even think the word "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" would work here, and it's supposed to be ideal when you don't know what to say. 

I know that it has been several days since Christmas, and perhaps my post is a little late, but I have not known how to put into words all my thoughts and feelings.  I want to share, but sometimes there just aren't the right words to share.

I have seen lots of people on the bandwagon of "it's been a great year" videos on Facebook.  And I have even smiled as I have viewed a few of people's videos, but mostly I just feel sad.  Sometimes it seems really unfair that the world keeps turning when you are going through something really hard.  Life keeps moving, even when you want it to stop.  I don't expect everyone to be sad with me, I don't expect their lives to all experience upheaval just because mine has.  But I feel a little left out.  My year was great in ways, but very terrible in others. 

For the first time in my life, I have understood why some people hate the Christmas holiday season.  I do not hate it myself, but I think I can understand why it is hard for many people, because it's now really hard for me too.  I still love it, but I have taken measures to help myself love it.

Christmas is a time for family and loved ones.  And it's a time that reminds you of what you don't have in the way of family and loved ones as well.  I had a very difficult time as I watched my family members taking pictures of their babies near the Christmas tree, wishing my baby was there to be a part of it.  I felt left out.  I felt sad, I felt like it was unfair.  I think a lot of people experience that at Christmas time, as they see people gathering with those they love.

In some ways, I feel more crippled now than I ever have before.  Because it's supposed to be a time of cheer and giving and bright spirits, it makes me painfully aware of the sad that is a part of my life.  I carry pain around with me all the time.  I am often fighting with myself about whether to try and forget about it, to ignore it and never think about Gideon, or whether to think about him and really let all the feelings flow.  And I'll be honest with you, there are a lot of times that I fight away my grief, that I smile and try not to think about him, and it feels good to be distracted and having fun.  Often later, I feel a little guilty, like I have been betraying his memory.  I think there is a balance to be found; I have been able to go to holiday parties without crying, happy moments are a part of what life is about.   Questioning one's self is also a part of life, unfortunately.  I didn't have a meltdown when I saw my 4 nephews all together in front of the Christmas tree, but it's not because I didn't feel a jab of pain that my baby wasn't there.  I just decided not to think about it, not to feel.  I feel like not breaking down and crying in that moment was probably the better thing to do, and my ability to turn from the sadness is a gift, not a curse or a betrayal.  I suppose that many other people fight with themselves in similar ways through the holiday season, wishing to only be happy and bubbly, trying to bury all the sadness, and then feeling guilty for not taking time to remember their loved ones.  It's really hard, and I am sorry if you have to deal with this.

Of course, there is pressure to buy and give gifts.  We have been very blessed financially this year, when it could have been so much worse.  We were financially prepared for this emergency, we had a Health Savings Account which had enough to cover ALL of the medical expenses (and there were a lot).  Otherwise, this could have put us into a crisis right before the holiday season erupted.  This was not an aspect of Christmas that stressed me out, and I am grateful.  But many other people are not so blessed.  Lets face it, life throws curveballs at you, and sometimes they smack you in the face.  And finances are hard anyway, but at Christmas, it's even worse, and people are much more painfully aware of their ability (or lack thereof) to give gifts.  We had offers to be part of an "angel tree" program, which we turned down, feeling like we had enough.  Kind neighbors and strangers still ought of us and worried about us and donated gifts and treats to our family.  (THANKYOU!)  Many people have given VERY generously to our family since Gideon's death, and I have been overwhelmed and touched by the thought and love that has gone into those donations.  Our Christmas was great (gift wise) this year.   As you can see, we did not suffer from a shortage of awesome presents...

Our tree on Christmas Eve, after all the gifts were placed.  I got tired of wrapping, as evidenced by the gift in the lower left corner.

Gifts are a nice distraction from what is missing, even though there is still emptiness there.   On Christmas Eve, I still got asked by my children if I missed Gideon.   I am so grateful, though, that I didn't have to stress about whether my children would have gifts this Christmas.  I personally know people who were very stressed about the holiday season because financially they are in trouble.  It's yucky, and it's not fun to be reminded over and over about what you feel like you don't and can't have and can't give.  I think that's one reason it's a hard season for so many.

And oh the busy, busy, bustling of the holiday season.  One thing that always amazes me after I have left the hospital is how the world has kept turning despite what has been happening inside the hospital.  There are times that I have felt like it is so unfair for people to keep going about their usual business when I have been going through an ordeal.  (I think we maybe all have a little bit of that "I am the center of the universe" complex in us.)  Not that I expect the world to revolve around me, but that it seems like tragedy of this magnitude deserves a break.  Life should slow down, things should just stop.  You should get an exempt card from hard things for a while.  I think I'd have loved to just be home and read books with my kids and not have anywhere to be, or any shopping to do.  However, It doesn't work like that.  And around the holidays, things not only don't stop, they move at a frantic pace.  So much to do, and the time to do it keeps shrinking.  I would bet that many people don't like the holidays for that reason also.

With all the feeling sad and sorry and upset, the thing that I found helped the most was seeking earnestly to GIVE to other people.  This year, we did a 12 Days of Giving Christmas.   Rather than choosing to bless one family, we just set a goal each day to find ways to serve others.  I am not SO secure in our finances that I felt like I could give to everyone and everything with gobs of monetary generosity.  I'd have loved to have enough security that I felt comfortable giving away more money to people I knew were struggling.   However, I was able to send a few people money anonymously (they probably don't read my blog...).  I babysat several children for free.  Our family went caroling in an assisted living center.  We made treats and delivered them to several of our neighbors.  We gave the kids' teachers treats and I wrote each teacher a personal note thanking them for all they do for my children.  We made and delivered dinner to two families we know who have new babies.  We put a box of food together for a family who has been struggling financially.  I gave time to help others with musical things, donating time to play piano to accompany several musical numbers.  I don't say any of this to brag, that's not the point.  The point is that giving felt good.  I wanted to do things I knew I wouldn't have been able to do if I had a young baby myself.   I donated my time and talents more than I donated money or gifts.

I had a realization that helped me a lot through the holidays.  I wanted to give more, but we are wanting to have more children still.  And wanting to be prepared for that means not emptying out our bank accounts any more than they've already been depleted this year.  I felt like I should pass on generosity, but didn't feel like I could be as generous as I wanted to in monetary ways, without jeopardizing our financial security in the coming year.  However, ANYBODY can give their time and talents.  You don't have to be rich to give those kinds of gifts, and they still mean a lot.  And they meant a lot to me as the giver.  I needed to be a giver this holiday season, more than I needed to be a receiver.  I wish I had given more, and I hope to keep giving more.  It has lent more healing power to my heart than anything.  Seeing lonely people smile or cry or sing along as my family sang to them really made me feel happy.  I hope my children learned from the experience, because that means that besides giving to the people in the assisted living center, and the people we gave treats and dinners to, that I gave my children experience and lessons in kindness and generosity, and that you don't have to have tons of money to give things that matter.

I have thought a lot about Emma Smith, wife of the prophet Joseph Smith, who translated the Book of Mormon and was the first prophet of the Mormon church (whose full name is actually "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints", but got nicknamed Mormon after the book of Mormon).  She bore many children who died within hours after child birth.  Over and over she experienced tragedy.  I remember once thinking about all she was able to accomplish, and wondering if it was partly because she had more time and ability to dedicate her time to serving outside her family because her babies went to heaven.  And there may be some truth to that thought, and I have wondered if maybe that is partly why Gideon came now.  Are there things I am supposed to be doing now that I couldn't do with a baby?  I hope I am doing them.  I spent my 12 days of Christmas trying hard to find ways to serve people that I wouldn't have if I was tied up in nursing, changing diapers, and feeling tired.  I still wish I had my baby here, but working hard to serve others, to give back to others has made me feel so much better.

And of course, I thought about the real reason for Christmas, which is Christ.  Focusing on the REAL reason for the season does not cause pain, does not create a sense of frantic urgency at all I need to do right now.  It does not create stress, it doesn't come with feelings of frustration or sadness at what I am missing.  It only helps me feel loved and grateful for the best gift ever, and to have the desire to share that gift.

This has by far been the hardest holiday season I have experienced.  I have still loved it, but it has been much harder to enjoy.  I understand why it is so hard for so many people, and I am sorry for ever thinking of anyone who hated Christmas as a Grinch or a Scrooge.  I understand.  And I'm sorry for the pain that the holiday season brings up in your heart.  I hope you can find ways to give in ways that will heal your heart, whether during the holidays or not.

My year has been a good year, I have lots of great memories.  Making a pinata with my kids and my sister, family trips to Bear Lake and Bear World and Bryce Canyon, my brother's wedding, a temple dedication, campouts, fun holiday times, soccer games, the list goes on.  And sometimes those happy memories feel like they are from another lifetime, before everything changed.

I also have too many hard and sad memories.  I appreciate all who have been sharing in this journey of joy and pain with our family.  Thank you for being here with us and for us!  Happy New Year!

Hanukah and Miracles

I spent 2 years in Israel when I was 10 and 11, and I learned to love the country and customs of the Jewish people.  I first heard the term "Christmas Tree Jew" on the movie "What to Expect When You're Expecting", and I think if it's a real term, (it may not be at all...) then I might be a little bit of a "Menorah Christian."  I don't remember all of the holidays I celebrated from when I lived there, but I do remember Passover (Pesach), Purim, and Hanukah, and I have taught my children about them.  We have spent time talking about their significance to me, and I own a menorah which we have lit some years, (I am hoping to light it tomorrow, or possibly on the last day of Hanukah, but I may not light it all the other days of Hanukah) and I have some Hanukah decorations that I put up with my Christmas stuff.  I keep a few Hanukah books with my Christmas books.

I was thinking a lot about Hanukah today (first day began at sunset tonight), and two major thoughts went through my head.  1. I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES.  The condensed version of the history of Hanukah is that the Jewish temple and much of its oil had been defiled by the soldiers of Antiochus (I had to look up the ruler's name, I didn't remember that detail.)  As a people, the Jews have many special customs, ceremonies, and rituals, which have a very deep meaning.  Lots of preparation goes into their customs and rituals.  Not just any oil can be burned in the temple, it has to have been prepared.  So once the soldiers had been driven out of the temple, they found that almost all the oil was gone or defiled, and there was only enough to burn for one day, but it burned for 8 days, giving them enough time to prepare more oil to be burned in the temple.

Do I believe this story?  Wholeheartedly.  I am a Christian and a Mormon, but most Mormons have to believe in miracles to believe the history of our church.  Jesus himself was raised Jewish, and performed miracles, so most Christians believe in miracles, and should definitely respect Jewish customs, as Judaism is a parent to Christianity.  I absolutely believe that this miracle happened, that the oil lasted, and that it is a miracle worth celebrating.

The second major thought is: MANY TIMES, MIRACLES FOLLOW GREAT HARDSHIPS.
I can't really imagine what it would feel like (and I hope I never have to) to have soldiers from another nation come in and begin to seize control over things within my own country.  Not only governmental positions and places that are considered public, but also places that are treasured and sacred, to go in without restraint and destroy and steal and defile.  I am sure the people felt afraid and violated, doubt and frustration.  It is a miracle that they found oil at all and another miracle that it lasted for 8 days, and that it was able to give them hope and faith.  I am not sure I can imagine after all that devastation, the feelings of excitement and wonder at this oil lasting and lasting as they worked to purify and prepare new oil (which takes days.)

As I thought about this, I drew a parallel to my own life.  I've often drawn it to Jesus walking on water or feeding the 5,000 + with only a small amount of fish and bread (seems impossible, right?) but it absolutely applies to Hanukah as well.  This is the first year that I had these epiphanies, and I needed them.

Needless to say, there have been many moments filled with sadness lately.  However, when we are doing our best through trials and challenges, when we have faith and we go through our messy lives and come out lucky enough to find good, pure things, we should use those good things and trust that our Heavenly Father will make them more.  He will take what we can give and he will make it stretch and grow, even into the realms of the impossible.  He can't do that if we aren't willing to first search for it, and also if we aren't willing to put whatever we find to use, even if it doesn't seem like it will be enough.  And we have to keep working hard while the miracle is taking place.

This has been a part of my life for a very long time, but since August, I feel this SO OFTEN.  After the death of our baby, I just sometimes don't want to do anything.  There have been days that I just want to hide.  They are not all like that, I have plenty of good days where I can carry on as "normal" without extra effort.  Sometimes, though, I love being with my family, but it hurts.  I love seeing my friends, and I love serving others and doing good things, but sometimes I just want to not be around anyone.  It's easier, less questions, less memories, less noticing that Gideon is missing.  I know that being busy is good, and I know that doing good things makes me happy, so I take whatever good motivation I can find, which varies from day to day, and I put it out there for the Lord to make more.  And he turns my tiny offering into something that lasts and lasts, far beyond what should be possible. 

I feel like this is me every day.  I am that vessel of oil which keeps burning for 8 days, even though there is no possible way it could.  I search and find a small bit of strength, and I put it out there, and He magnifies it into a strength I never could have managed alone.  I find hope and joy in seeing this often in my life, and I celebrate that miracle. 

So to anyone who believes in God:  Happy Hanukah!  Jews & Christians alike can relate to miracles.  They are a real thing, I have lived it over and over! 

Mary, did you know?

I have been a big fan of Pentatonix before this year's Christmas album "That's Christmas to Me", but I absolutely adore their rendition of "Mary, Did You Know?"  If you haven't seen it yet, here ya go.
PTX official video, Mary, Did You Know

Every time I listen to it, I get goose bumps.  I do wonder how much Mary understood about the child she would have.  One of my FAVORITE scriptures in the entire New Testament is Luke 2:19 "And Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart."  If she didn't know, she took a lot of time thinking and feeling about these experiences, and about the words spoken to her by an angel. 

I am particularly touched by it this year, because I have thought a lot about what I would have done if I had known about Gideon.  What if I had known that he would pass away after a week?  What if I could have seen the pain that his death would cause?  As Scott and I discuss the future of our family, we realize that trying to have more children now carries with it a higher risk that they could have the same problem.  Will I choose to do this again, knowing what I know now?  The truthful answer is: I don't know.  I think it's "Yes", but there are moments when I feel like it's "No way."  This hurts, and I have a hard time thinking that I could choose willingly to feel this pain again.  My reverence and respect for Mary has increased leaps and bounds this year.



 Did Mary know that she would have to watch her son die?  She may have known he was God's son and would come to deliver us all, but did she understand the extent that he would deliver us?  Did she understand that he would have to die, that he would have to suffer so that we can give up our sins and not have to endure that same suffering? Did she know that because he would be resurrected, we now all can be?  Did she understand about the pain it would cause her to see people not understand, to crucify him because they couldn't see who he really was? 

Before we were told that Gideon could have a lethal condition, there were a few times that I had an inkling he wouldn't live long.  Perhaps it is just my worrying nature, but there were times I was reading scriptures or quotes of prophets and I was so moved, and I felt so sad for the loss of my child, even before we knew his problem was severe.  I had a small taste of the pain, and I dreaded it.  I hoped for some amazing way that he could live, that all would be well.  I tried my best to trust that no matter what happened, God would make it a good thing.

I think even Jesus himself hoped for some way that he wouldn't have to suffer, to die for us.  That is why he asked "Father, if it be possible, remove this cup from me."  He hoped he wouldn't have to feel that pain, to actually go through the suffering, the sacrifice, and the painful crucifixion.  I know simply with my own pain if I could wish it away, if there was a way I could not have to feel it, I'd love that.  It's hard to have any idea of the suffering you will experience and still go forward with it.  I wonder if Mary felt much the same way about her son.  "Please, if there's any other way, could he NOT have to do this?"  I am sure it was very heart breaking to her, and I can now sympathize with the heartache of losing a perfect son, though I will never pretend to understand Mary, because they were not even close to the same circumstances.

I have become more grateful for her sacrifice for being willing to do what needed to be done, to carry this child, to have to travel while hugely pregnant, to raise him and love him and help him to be the amazing person he was.  What a woman!  What a hero!  I want to be like her.  I want to be able to go forward in my life with faith, and do whatever God wants me to do, no matter how hard, no matter how much pain it might cause. 

I don't know how much she knew, but she had immense amounts of faith and trust, and perhaps that is what matters more.

He is the gift.  Heavenly Father is loving and merciful, He knew we'd do dumb stuff, and that we would need infinite help.  So he offered up His Son to make the difference.  I am sure it was painful to willingly give up your perfect son.  I prayed to Heavenly Father "If it's thy will that Gideon go home, then I will trust it", but I cried and felt like my heart wasn't going to be able to beat anymore as I said those words, they did not come easily.  If you haven't yet seen this video that puts Christmas in perspective, please watch it.  He Is the Gift video

I love that gift so much more now.  Because of him, I get second chances, we all get second chances.  When it is my time to be judged, I can be judged by someone who felt exactly what I have felt, and who will understand my heart and thoughts.  I get to be resurrected...we all do, including my Gideon.

I don't know the pain and challenges up ahead, but I am working to become like my hero, and to have faith and trust that no matter what pain I am called to bear, it will be for my good, and possibly for the good of others around me.  I don't know exactly how Gideon's death has blessed my life, or how it will continue to bless the lives of my family and friends, but I trust God does know, even though I don't.

How much did Mary know?    I don't know, and it doesn't matter.

 She had the faith to do what he called her to do.  And hopefully I will too.  She helped share the gift.  At all times, but especially at Christmas, I really want to help share that gift too.  I want to share His love, to give freely of my heart, to help others who have needs, to do for others what they may not be able to do for themselves, with faith and trust and hope for a better world. 

What I said

So, about a month ago, I spoke in stake conference.  A brief explanation of what that means for those who are not members of my church (Mormon or LDS, officially called The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints--no wonder we shorten it!).

 A local congregation of about 300-600 is called a ward.  Typically a ward's boundaries are by geographic location, so usually people in the same neighborhood or close area would be in the same ward.  Several wards make up a stake (also geographic, but covering a much larger area, usually a section of a city.)  I believe our stake has 9 wards.   That's several thousand people.  The leaders of the stake are called by the leaders of the church, and twice a year, we gather as a stake, and receive counsel from them as well as those they ask to speak. 

I was asked to speak about faith in adversity.  WHAT A TOPIC.  I was also given 7 -8 minutes.  If you know me, you know what a daunting task that is.  I am not a person of few words.  (Clearly...look at my posts.)  I love words.  I love to explain things.  I love symbolism and description.  So I really had to choose those things which would be most important to say.  I know there aren't a lot of people who are still following my blog (I can check the numbers to see how many times each of my posts are viewed.  The first one was viewed more than 300 times.  The most recent one is at about 30.)  And I'm OK with that, no offense taken.  This blog is as much for me and my children as it is for anyone else who cares to share in it.  For those who have the desire to keep reading all I have to say (lots of words...I know), I thought I'd share.  I felt like it was a big responsibility.  God chooses his leaders, and his leaders prayed about who to speak, and asked me.  I prayed about what to say.  I went to the temple (a special building dedicated to God) and sat and thought about what I needed to say, what I have learned, and what people needed to hear to help them learn.  This is the final draft: 

This year has been one of the most memorable years of my life.  Early in the year, I felt impressed that it was time for us to have another baby, our fifth child.  It was a leap of faith, but we took it.  Our little boy was born this summer on July 25^th, 2 1/2 months early.  His hands and feet were so tiny, he had so much hair for a 28 week old, and he was beautiful.  The reason he had been born so early was that doctors had detected some problems with his development, and hoped by taking him early, they may be able to save his life.  We knew he would have a tough fight ahead of him, and that he would need to be a warrior, whether in this life, or whether he was sent home to live with our Heavenly Father.  So we named our little warrior Gideon.

We prayed for a miracle.  Our names were on many prayer rolls, our family fasted for us, we fasted for our baby.  I had a priesthood blessing before he was born.  Gideon was given a blessing when he was 4 days old.  I waited for him to be promised that he would be healed.

 He was not. 

The next day, Scott gave him a name and a blessing, as we knew he would probably not live long.  He was promised that “he had touched hearts and lives and would continue to do so.”  He was told that “your life, though short, has no less meaning.”  I cried. 

He died in my arms the next day.

My speaking to you today is one way that his priesthood blessing is being fulfilled.  I hope that the spirit will fill our hearts, and help us all learn, so that Gideon’s life can continue to bless others.

Our Heavenly Father is a master creator.  Take a look around at the amazing world we live in.  He has an amazing plan for each of us, we are each to become a masterpiece.  Like a piece of artwork in the making, it may not be perfectly clear what the end result will be, but because God is shaping it, we know it will be good. 

Trusting in that plan is hard sometimes.  My life has changed forever.  I do not see things the same way anymore.  In some ways, things have come into a clearer focus.  In other ways, I am often confused by the emotions that I feel that seep into everything I do.  This hurts, a lot.  Sometimes it’s hard to breathe.  Turning to the Lord more often has helped me so much.  I treasure words of scripture, my temple covenants, and Heavenly Father’s plan so much more.  I am more grateful now for the gift of the resurrection than I ever have been before.  My relationship with my family members has become even more of a precious treasure to me.  Even though I don’t know why this has happened, I do trust that it is part of God’s plan for me, to help shape me into who he wants me to be.

Many people have said to us: “You are so strong, to be dealing with this” I don’t think that’s really true.  We freely admit that we need the Savior’s help, we happily own up to the fact that we are too weak to do this without him.  Too often in the storms of life, we decide to just try and deal with things by ourselves, and we let the waves and winds give us a pounding.  I am guilty of this too.  We don’t ask our Savior for help so that he can calm the storm.  One thing I am learning is that I can’t ask him to calm the storm just once and never have another storm pop up.  Right now, doubts and sadness are something I have to deal with frequently, but I can choose to seek His help and doubt my doubts, or I can let the storm beat me up.

Everyone is given hard trials in their lives.  We are all different, and our trials are likewise all different.   I can’t tell you exactly what will help you with the trials in your life.  Thankfully, I don’t have to.  Whatever it is you need, God knows.  He wants to help you become something amazing, if you will let him.  When we seek his spirit, he will help our weaknesses become strengths.  He will help our strengths become stronger.

We will find what we are looking for.   Reasons why life is unfair are all around us, they ache in our hearts, they frustrate our lives.  Satan makes them easy for us to find.  He still hopes to take away our agency from us, and if he can wrap us in despair, he can make it easy to stop choosing, to stop living, to stop being happy, which is the object and design of our existence.

 If we are looking, though, we can also see reasons why we are being given more than our “fair share” of blessings.   Heavenly Father blesses our lives abundantly, but we sometimes fail to recognize it because we get caught up in our aches and pains and frustrations.  Because of my need for strength, I am trying to do better at looking for His hand in my life, and I am finding it. 

In the last few weeks, I have felt His spirit and the Holy Ghost comfort me many times.  I have used talents and gifts that Heavenly Father gave me during times when I am feeling sad.  My spirit has been touched by the words of scriptures, uplifting songs, words of apostles, and words of comfort and inspiration given to me by friends and family members who have followed promptings to reach out to us.  I could honestly spend hours telling you about the times my heart has been touched in the last few months, and the ways I have been helped.  I have already spent hours writing about many of them, so that our family will remember forever, and so others can share in this journey.

My spirit has become more sensitive in these last few months, and many things make me cry.  Sometimes, it is the power of truth, sometimes it is a longing that won’t leave, sometimes I just feel overwhelmed.  Briefly, I will share a few of the words and pieces of songs which have deeply touched my heart:

“Families CAN be together forever.”  Phillipians 4:13 “I can do all things, through Christ, which strengtheneth me.”    From David A. Bednar “It was the load that provided the traction.”  From Dieter F. Uchtdorf “those who set aside the bottle of bitterness and lift instead the goblet of gratitude can find a purifying drink of healing, peace, and understanding.”  “My life is a gift, my life has a plan, my life has a purpose, in heaven it began.”

Gideon’s life was a gift.  It had a plan.  My life has a purpose, and Heavenly Father wants to help me accomplish it.  “I Stand All Amazed at the love Jesus offers me.”  Because of him, the prayers of so many will be answered.  We all prayed for Gideon to live, and he will.  I will be resurrected and my Gideon will be resurrected, and I will get to raise him.  My spirit burns with the truth of these things.