Rainbow baby

 Here in the Wasatch Front, the air gets pretty dirty.  Pollution and dirt and dust collect in the huge valley surrounded by all the mountains.  I love the clarity that comes right after rain, when I can look out my window and see mountains clear across Salt Lake, a VERY long way away.   I love the way the world smells after a rain storm, it's so fresh and clean and delightful.  Sometimes I am lucky enough to witness a rainbow near the end of a storm, and sometimes not, but there is definitely a clarity and crispness in the air, and a scent of life, and freshness.

I hadn't heard the term "rainbow baby" until I was in the hospital delivering Miriam.  Of course my nurses asked about previous pregnancies and so we explained about Gideon.  She said "Oh--this is your rainbow baby." and I have loved the term since.

Not that I would wish a loss on anyone, but I have never loved having a newborn so much before, and I appreciate the joy that I feel with this one compared to the others.  I almost feel guilty for how much I didn't enjoy the others, because I am so delighted with her.  I was so tired from time spent feeding, changing, and rocking the baby, and so I didn't see past the exhaustion.  Now my overriding emotion is gratitude.  I'm still tired, but I'm also so grateful for the chance to feed, change, and rock her.  Hearing her cry at first was such a blessing, and I still sometimes laugh when she is crying, because I'm just so happy to be with her, to have had this last six weeks to hold her and love her, to see her beginning to smile, and to get to understand who she is (she's a good eater who doesn't like to have a dirty bum, and she's a sucker for a snuggle from her Daddy, who can almost always calm her down.)

Miri is a delightful little rainbow.  We actually had 2 storms before she joined us...not many people know, but we miscarried one before Gideon was conceived. 

I loved the beautiful way these photographers captured rainbow babies and their mothers.  There is some amazing joy here, so perhaps grab a tissue. 
Photographers capture Rainbow Babies www.littlethings.com

Losing a child really can feel like weathering a rough storm.  It is dark, dreary, and scary.  It can be really disorienting and disrupt daily life.  It's a storm so rough that an umbrella doesn't cut it...I know that storms really don't end completely, there are still moments of dark, disorienting, disruptive dreariness, and a longing that I can't explain--even with my baby in my arms.  It feels less like a constant torrential downpour, and more like a cloudburst as part of a normal weather pattern.  I anticipate that these "cloudbursts" will continue for most of my life.  (In fact, the other day, we took our kids out for fast food, and at the playland, a boy was calling to his little brother, whose name happened to be Gideon.  We left with me in tears.)  That being said, the storm is not severe all the time, and there is a clarity that has come from weathering it; my perspective has broadened, I feel like I can see more now.  It's like when I can see the mountains in the distance after a rain storm--they were already there, I just couldn't see them before the storm cleaned the air.  And our rainbow baby truly feels like a miracle.  Life is precious...all life, whether a baby is a rainbow baby or not, a baby is a miracle.  I love her so much, and I love time I spend with her, even if it's diaper changing, sleep lost, or fussy time.  She has added color and beauty to our world, and I marvel at the miracle she is.

Cranky and tired, but I have a plan to soften my heart

Firstly, I'll update on the status of things here in our home.  Our baby is doing well, she's quite a good eater, and growing like she should.  She's begun to do slightly longer stretches at night, sometimes going 4 or 5 hours between feedings, so I'm still tired, but it's not so bad.  Holding her feels so good to my heart, and I am pretty certain she's held and doted on more than any of my other babies (and not just by me, as anyone who has watched my husband with her can attest.)  It is sometimes hard, I look down at her face and can see the resemblance she has to my other children, even to Gideon.  It makes me miss him, and wonder how he'd be doing by now likely uttering his first words, walking, and curious and into everything.  It also makes me so grateful for the chance I have to nurse and snuggle her, even to hear what her cry sounds like.  I sometimes wonder as I see her focus on places in the room where no-one is standing. if she can see Gideon, and hope he knows that we love him and miss him still.

That's not what I intended to blog about today, though.

I have teased people about borrowing my children when they need to understand their scriptures.  Not because my children know and understand so much, but because they aren't afraid to stop and ask questions.  If we read a word or phrase they (or we) don't understand, instead of skipping past it, we talk about it, guess at its meaning, and seek for ways to understand it.  Often, as we attempt to understand things and spend a little time pondering, our minds and hearts open up, and we gain insights.  I understand my scriptures way better as I read them to and with my children.  (Says the Mom who is going on 3 nights in a row of skipping family scripture study because it got too late and the kids need sleep--and so do I.)

On one of these "break it down" moments, as we talked about hard hearts, I stumbled upon a great metaphor for life.  Our hearts are like playdoh, and God is the creator.  He's trying to shape us, to create some awesome stuff.  Playdoh is perfect right out of the box, but just from being out in the world, it starts to dry up, just as we tend to become more tough and hardened by the world.  This is easily remedied with a few drops of water after playing with it--and as we make sure we partake of daily living water (scripture study/prayer/spiritual experiences), we keep our hearts soft and easily shaped.  Another way to keep playdoh in good shape is to make sure it's container (it's home) is sealed well (a holy place where the world can't get in and dry it all up.) Occasionally, the playdoh gets quite dry, and it takes more water to help it be able to be used.  And sometimes, it's just so hard, there's not much to be done besides start over with new playdoh.  Hard playdoh can't be shaped--it MUST be softened before anything can be done with it.

Several times in 1 Nephi, Nephi explains about his brothers' hard hearts.  It makes sense that no matter the amazing tools the Lord was using to try and shape their lives (Liahona, seeing an angel, witnessing miracles, a father who was a prophet), nothing worked.  Their playdoh needed to be softened first.  And occasionally, they did add water, the spirit touched them.  They just never maintained the habit of adding living water, so their hearts dried right back up again.

This is a cautionary tale for me as much as anyone.  I noticed today (after a few days in a row of falling short on my scripture study) that I have a very testy temper, I feel not like my best, most patient self.  Once I realized that I am not being as nice as usual, I started thinking about what I needed to do to fix it.  Sleep would help, but I've been running on lack of sleep for many weeks now, and I knew that wasn't the only culprit.  I tried to remember how many days it has been since I did good scripture study, and it's been a few (less than a week, but several days) and my prayers have been more sporadic and not as deep (again--tiredness taking its toll).  I remembered about the playdoh, and I know I need to do better, to get myself back where I want to be, where the Lord can shape me and help me be what he knows i can become.  I need to do better about adding living water into my life each day, more so now, with the tiredness than before.

Another part of the parable that applies particularly right now is that playdoh dries out faster in different temperatures/climates than others.  Heat/dry air will definitely take a toll faster than cold/wet air.  Some days are harder on our spirits than others.  Gideon's grave marker finally was put in at his grave site, and it was hard for both Scott and I to see it.  It's not news...but there's still such a finality in seeing his grave marker, all that it represents, and all that we're missing.  I need the scriptues and the spirit and prayer in my life MORE on days like that, but I neglected them, and I can tell by my crankiness.

ALSO, I promised I'd share a picture of Gideon's grave marker, and it's finally here.  This grave marker is bigger than he was (he was tiny).  I find myself out of words when I see it, it is heavy in more ways than one....so I'll just leave its picture at the end.

Two roads diverged...and my life now

Yesterday, as I was going through our poetry unit with Ethan, we had a discussion about Robert Frost's poem "The Road Not Taken", which caused me to stop and ponder.  Ethan didn't know what hit him as I had a good cry while we discussed choices and memories and looking back.

I'm pretty sure that if you are my friend, you have read this poem. BUT--for those of you who still want to be my friend and have not read it...it is here for your reading enjoyment, and for a broadening of your horizons, and a deepening of your soul. 

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

I particularly thought about the moment when the doctors told us that Gideon's condition was most likely lethal, and when they asked if we wanted to permanently prevent having children in the future.  I had four healthy children, and the chances of us having another child with the same problems as Gideon were higher than other couples.  I considered it, I contemplated taking that road....  I looked at my two choices, down each road "as far as I could".  Both roads looked fair, but which path was the one I truly wanted?  I decided the road of "being done" was not the road I wanted to go down, even though it is a road MANY people would travel.  And it's NOT a bad road to travel, I am not judging anyone who would have chosen differently than I did.  For me, though, it was not the path I wanted to take.  We all have to follow different paths.  As Miriam celebrates one month, I think of the difference I am seeing in my life already.  I think of the weight I carried during pregnancy (and I'm not talking about the pounds/kilos), but the worry.  It was a hard pregnancy emotionally, and there were times I wondered if I had chosen the right path.  I knew that I had felt strongly about the path I chose, and I had to trust in those feelings as doubt and worry crept in.  Now I can see the way my children adore their sister, the way her presence encourages peace and happiness in our home.  It feels like it has been "ages and ages" and looking back, as hindsight lends depth to my ability to understand, I can understand why this road was the right road for me, and I'm grateful I trusted that feeling.  It is only one of many paths I have chosen when presented with "two roads" literally and figuratively.  When our family goes to visit National Parks, we carefully consider which hikes we'll take, how far we can go, and what we want to see.  We've seen and experienced so many glorious things, no matter which paths we choose, but I've rarely started a hike and regretted it.  (Only once that I can think of, every other time I've been so pleased at all I have seen and experienced.)  No matter which path, which hike, there are beautiful things to experience, and I'm grateful for the paths I have taken, even though sometimes I look back and wonder what the "other roads" may have led to.  My sister and I at Arches National Park 2013 Bryce Canyon National Park 2014 With National Parks, I know I can go back and do those other hikes another day.  With life, the decisions are permanent; there is no going back.  I feel confident, though, that the Lord is helping guide me down the path, and I know that if He's the one leading, the journey will end in an amazing destination.  I also feel confident that when He leads, I won't regret it. Life is good.  Today, I enjoyed the scent of baking cinnamon rolls as I also felt the crisp and cool cleanness of a sky fresh from rain, and I was so grateful for life, for the senses I have to experience life with.  I enjoyed snuggling my baby, I enjoyed reading to my 4 year old, and laughing with him.  I treasured the delight of my 7 year old as she discovered that the tooth fairy had come for her first tooth, and I enjoyed the expression on her 10 year old brother's face, as he tried not to spoil the secret for her.  My 12 year old is such a confident kid, and even though beginning an instrument has it's "ugly" sounds, as I listened to him practice today, I could absolutely hear the difference in his skills compared to a month ago.  I think he can hear it too, and is excited for his own growth and improvement.  I love watching my children experience life, and I particularly adore watching them enjoy their new sister, they are so eager to help and to hold her.  I--I took the one less traveled by, and it has made all the difference.

I've had worse

Lots of people ask how I'm doing, and how the baby is doing.  I feel fabulous, my body is recovering well, I'm having to remind myself not to push too hard, because I feel just fine.  I am sleep deprived, and that makes me feel forgetful and a little headachy.  In the past, I've told people how horrible the first few months can be at times.  Don't get me wrong...snuggling a new baby is an amazing feeling, and I love it, but that zombie-like stupor that settles over me as I continue to run on not enough sleep...it's awful.  It makes it hard to be patient, to think clearly, to function, to even feel like myself.  HOWEVER, I've had a healthy dose of perspective, and so if you ask how I'm doing, I'm still going to tell you that I'm doing great (or awesome or fantastic), and it's true.  Last year, in August and September, I'd wake up feeling sad, overwhelmed, confused, lost, missing my baby, wondering if there was anything else I could have done.  This year in August and September, I wake up feeling like my brain has magically been replaced by oatmeal, responding to a baby who is crying because she needs something, but I am so grateful to have a reason to wake up groggy.  I'm grateful she's here, that she is healthy and wants to eat, that she can pee (YAY for functioning kidneys) and poop (YAY for functioning digestive system) and cry (YAY that her lungs are developed well!!)  I've had worse...so much worse, and so I'm grateful for the tired.

I've had several ideas for blog posts over the last few weeks, but lets face it...when you're exhausted, sleep becomes a much higher priority than many other things.  Showering has taken a back seat some days.  Make up and fancy hair have never been a high priority for me, but even less so at this point.  I am at the point where I will pretty much say "yes" to anyone who offers help, (THANKS to those who have helped clean up, bring in meals, shuttle my kids around for me!!) even though I like to be independent and do everything myself.  My normal "2 hour" screen time limit for my 4 year old has been completely ignored on several days as I've tried to catch up on sleep.  But I've had worse.  I'll take it.

Miriam has been a very wonderful healing balm for my heart and Scott's.  Holding her brings a peace and contentment that I have missed over the last 14 months. 

We still miss Gideon immensely, sometimes more so because of the special moments we are sharing with our new daughter.  We love seeing her smile in her sleep...and wonder what his smile would have looked like.  She has lots of hair, like he did, I often look at her and see a resemblance to her big brother, which pulls on my heart strings.  However, I feel confident that he sent her with hugs and snuggles to share (just like when you visit your Grandma and she says "Give so and so a hug from me" and when you see them, you pass on Grandma's hug).  I'm sure that he wanted her to give us his love, and that he wanted us to feel comfort both from her and from him.  I feel so much peace and joy and love radiating from her.  Even when I'm utterly exhausted, I love looking down and seeing her in my arms. 

My view of a dozy Miriam snuggle.

So 3 weeks in, we're tired, but loving it!

Living my dream

Much of life goes by in a blur, the day to day activities that melt into years flying by sometimes create a fog and haze that are hard to see through clearly.  Since Gideon's life and death, I have sought to live a life that is more focused, less smeared by the doldrums of daily life.  I have set aside special moments and special days to celebrate life and family and love, and happiness, and I have been so grateful for the clarity that I feel on these days.  I still get caught up in every day life--there are dishes to be done, food to be cooked, I still have to use the restroom and do laundry and clean, but I am trying to take and make time to help more of my time be less mundane.  Some of that is taking a step back and asking myself, am I doing what I really want to be doing with my life?  Long term, am I on track with the dream I have for myself?  It makes the everyday steps part of something more amazing.  There are also ways to make mundane things less mundane (turn fun music on while you clean--my husband LOVES to do this, and I agree, it's more fun that way.)

Last night, we added a daughter to our family.  Special days like these are NOT part of the doldrums of every day life, and there are so many focused and beautiful moments that I've been able to experience in the last 24 hours.  Miriam is a tiny little peanut, and we adore her.  One focused moment I will remember with great clarity is the moment she began to cry.  So did I.  So did Scott.  We never heard our Gideon cry.  This moment, I tasted a new flavor, a new dimension in our birth experience.  We miss our Gideon, we wish we would have had those moments with him, and it made us sad.  Because we know what we are missing, we are so much more grateful for the chance to hear our baby cry, to hold her and snuggle her, to feel her squiggle and move, to not have to pass her off to the NICU right away.  We both experienced these feelings of sadness and overwhelming gratitude as we heard her cry.  (Don't get me wrong, NICU doctors and nurses are amazing, but it was a treasure to be handed my baby seconds after delivering her.)

Our 10 year old noticed how we were able to have so many more quiet and calm moments with Miriam.  With Gideon, there were machines and monitors all over, and so there was a lot of background noise, as well as a nurse who HAD to be there to monitor him.  Watching my children be able to hold and gather around their sister, to touch her without worry that her breathing would stop or her body would hurt too badly was such a blessing, and a moment I will treasure.  I treasure the way each one reacted to her, from tears, to smiles, to stares, to laughs, to eager hands that wanted to hold her, to the suggestion that we sing to her, because our Gideon loved music and so Miriam probably will too.

Daddy and his girls

 My husband does not love his tender heart, (I'm pretty sure it makes him feel not very manly) but I adore it, and consider it a gift he has been blessed with.  It's one of the reasons I fell in love with him, and it continually blesses my life.  I fall back in love with him as I watch him hold our babies, help our children learn and grow, melt when our daughter smiles at him sweetly, and understand my grief when I mourn for the baby we don't have with us.  He is a good man with a good heart.  As part of every day life and marriage to another human being, we have our differences, and they sometimes bother either one of us, but in my moments of "clarity" I'm so in love with his tender heart.  I got to fall in love with him again yesterday and today as I watched all of these beautiful moments happen.  It was a special day.

I have been able to take time to just think about my blessings.  I don't always take time to do this, but it is so good for the soul, and I highly recommend it.  I missed attending church today, but took a little extra time to consider the gifts I don't always take time to think of: the ability to breathe deeply, time with my family, medical sciences, the human ability to repair itself, nature's magical ability (or God given ability--depending on your views) to reproduce. the way warm blankets or hugs can soothe and comfort a body to name a few that I thought of today.  I thought about the strengths and weaknesses of each of the members in my family, and how they interact and how we're a team and helping each other to become more amazing..  I have so many loved friends and family who I got to send texts/emails out to, and while it was a lengthy list, I consider myself so blessed to know there are so many people who I can rely on, who love me and want to know what is happening in my life, and the ability to use technology to send pictures and information almost instantly is so awesome!  

I am NOT a real huge fan of the song "Everything is Awesome" from the Lego movie, some of the harmonies grate at my nerves and seem very randomly chosen, and some of the repetition bugs me, but some of my kids like it, and the words to the chorus are so true.  "Everything is awesome, everything is cool when you're part of a team, everything is awesome when we're living our dream."  I am living my dream.  I always wanted to be a mom.  I always wanted to teach people.  I love nurturing, discovering, learning.  I enjoy nature.  I am living all of these dreams, by being a mother, being part of a wonderful family team, and team of people working for the success of my children, I have a garden, I get to be part of creating almost every single day.  Is this what I want to be doing?  YES!  I hope that everyone who reads this takes a minute to think about A.) whether you are living your dream and B.) some blessings you don't always think about.  Hopefully it will help you feel pretty awesome about life!  

Welcome to life, little one!!

Full term

I am 37 weeks along today.  We are so excited to have made it to what is considered full term; we were told that we had higher than normal chances of having a premature baby, and now that worry is gone.  I am still paranoid, if I don't feel this baby move for a long while, I reach down and shift her around until she twitches or pulls back.  This poor kid probably won't have any type of sleep pattern, because I won't leave her alone, but I just can't help it.  Oh well...I won't have much sleep pattern going on either pretty soon.

We're all hoping and praying for a healthy little one, and our 10 year old has said "We need to remember to thank God for the privilege of being able to have this baby."  Yep.  I'm anxious to get her here, though trying to be patient through these last few uncomfortable weeks.  We're excitedly getting ready for a new school year, and all the new adventures that will come with both school and with a new baby.

We feel so much love and support, and I'm so grateful that so many people are excited with us, even though this is our 6th baby.  It's a lot, even I think I'm nuts (I HATE being pregnant, but I love being a mom), but we appreciate those who are willing to celebrate this sweet little baby with us as we get ready to welcome her into our lives.  Any day now....

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness: things I'm learning

It has been a year since we buried Gideon.  There were so many moments on the day of his funeral that I can't even describe in words: I remember how very hard it was to help them close and seal the casket lid, feeling like I was sealing off and shutting down a piece of my heart that wouldn't really ever die.  I remember laughing through all the pain when my (then 3 year old) son said "This is the best day ever" because we were able to ride in a limo and feeling grateful for his innocence and presence.  I will never forget feeling grateful and overwhelmed with so much  love and support from so many friends and family members.  It was a wonderful and awful day.

Over the last few weeks, we've passed several milestones, his birthday, his "deathday", and now the anniversary for the day of his funeral, and I've thought about this journey that our family is on and what we've learned in the last year.  It's a little odd, but my thoughts have taken a direction I didn't really expect.

Our amazing and diverse world is so full of many different people.  I feel very blessed to have so many friends and family who feel very differently about many of the issues that are very "hot topics" and are quite contraversial nowadays.  I hope, and I think that all of those who I am friends with are able to see my opinion and respect why I might have them, even if mine differ from theirs.  It seems to me that being able to agree to disagree has become more important in my life over the last year.  I've thought a lot about why this is...it has taken some soul searching, and this is what I've discovered.

Time and relationships are precious, people and life are precious, and I see that with a clarity I didn't have before.  I do not believe that there are many disagreements in the world worth insulting another person, or that relationships should be severed because of differing opinions.  Based on what I see and experience, especially in the last year, I believe that the art of "agreeing to disagree" is dying.  People are going crazy insulting each other, threatening each other, and there is a huge lack of empathy or understanding which is becoming more and more prevalent.  It makes me sadder now than it ever did before, because I feel like we are casting aside the most important things: respect, life, relationships, people's rights to their opinions--and for what?  Why?

The point of this blog has been for me to find words to express my thoughts and feelings, to share with those who care enough to listen, and to help and inspire anyone else who may be on their own difficult journey.  I often feel compelled to share my thoughts and feelings with the hope and desire that they will help someone somewhere.  I have usually tried to choose my words carefully, words are powerful.  In taking time to choose words, I have gained a new level of respect for the founding fathers of my country, who took time to write the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution.  They were gifted with some amazing abilities with words, and over the last year, I have gained a new reverence and respect for the words they chose and the time and consideration that must have gone into these important documents.  While I believe many of the leaders pushing for independence in the U.S. were hot-headed, I also have a great deal of respect for the fire they carried that birthed the idea for a great nation.  My thoughts keep coming back to this statement, which I admire more than I know how to say: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

This statement, found in the Declaration of Independence is actually something that I think all liberals and conservatives agree upon.  Why do people feel the way they do about gay marriage?  Some feel strongly that the Creator knows best a plan for our happiness, and he set up marriage between man and woman, and it shouldn't be changed, because He knows best.  Some feel strongly that no matter one's sexual preference, they should have the right to pursue happiness and a life with whomever they choose.  But regardless, we believe that all men are created equal, and that they have rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Yes, I care who the president will be, and I would love it if everyone in our nation would feel similarly to me about what is best for the country, BUT the bottom line is: people who are voting care about our nation, and are choosing based on their interpretation of that statement.  AND once the president has been chosen, even if it wasn't "my candidate", I believe that they have now been selected as the leader of my country, and as such, they deserve respect, even if I don't agree with the way they want to do things.  Yes, I wish everyone agreed with my opinion about abortion, but we all don't, partly because different people feel like life begins at different points, but the bottom line is, no matter where people stand on that issue, they value life and liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  Yes, I would love it if everyone would view gun control the same way as I do, but the bottom line is, most people feel the way they do because they value life.  Funny....we sit on different sides of the issues, but what we have in common is a desire to see life be better, we just have different ideas about the way it should happen.

As I have thought about my last year, I have felt that really, what would help everyone heal is more love and kindness and understanding in the world, more respect, even when people see things differently.  I am so much more bothered now by people's intolerance of each other than I ever was before my son was born and died.  I have no idea why his life and death brought this change to me, but my heart is more tender, and I realize that many other people may be experiencing tender and difficult moments in their lives too.  Everyone everywhere has horrible things happen to them, that's a sad part of life and the world, and as we are all going through hard things, we need to be kinder.  Really, "what the world needs now is love, sweet love.  It's the only thing that there's just too little of."

I am not naive enough to believe that the world is 100% full of people who have strong moral compasses, that 100% have clung to their ability to value life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, but I do have enough faith and hope in the world to feel that perhaps 99.5% of us do.  Most of us still value the God given right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, but we're making choices and choosing sides based on our interpretation of those fundamental truths, and we shouldn't belittle or insult others whose interpretations and life experiences have led them to believe differently than we do.  I have friends who have seen a dear one shot, and consequently, they believe guns don't belong in people's hands.  I have friends who have had their homes broken into in the night, and they believe that guns in the right hands protect them from the guns in the wrong hands.  And I'm not going to belittle either of their experiences by telling them "You're wrong" or worse by calling them stupid or unintelligent.  They are my friends, I love them, I am grateful for the perspective that they lend to my life, and I believe they both want what they feel is best for the world, to give everyone the opportunity to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

To my own friends and family, if you want to remember and celebrate Gideon's life with me: be kinder, show more respect to others, understand that the people around you are seeking the same things as you are, but choosing a different way to do it.  Don't toss relationships aside because of differences in opinion.  Love your family and friends a little more, and criticize a little less.  Fill the world with love and understanding.  I don't know how Gideon taught me so much without ever being able to speak a word in such a short little life, but somehow all of these things have come into more focus in my life, and by sharing them, I can help his life make a bigger difference in the world.  As you go about your day, remember that mostly we all want the same things: life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.