Living my dream

Much of life goes by in a blur, the day to day activities that melt into years flying by sometimes create a fog and haze that are hard to see through clearly.  Since Gideon's life and death, I have sought to live a life that is more focused, less smeared by the doldrums of daily life.  I have set aside special moments and special days to celebrate life and family and love, and happiness, and I have been so grateful for the clarity that I feel on these days.  I still get caught up in every day life--there are dishes to be done, food to be cooked, I still have to use the restroom and do laundry and clean, but I am trying to take and make time to help more of my time be less mundane.  Some of that is taking a step back and asking myself, am I doing what I really want to be doing with my life?  Long term, am I on track with the dream I have for myself?  It makes the everyday steps part of something more amazing.  There are also ways to make mundane things less mundane (turn fun music on while you clean--my husband LOVES to do this, and I agree, it's more fun that way.)

Last night, we added a daughter to our family.  Special days like these are NOT part of the doldrums of every day life, and there are so many focused and beautiful moments that I've been able to experience in the last 24 hours.  Miriam is a tiny little peanut, and we adore her.  One focused moment I will remember with great clarity is the moment she began to cry.  So did I.  So did Scott.  We never heard our Gideon cry.  This moment, I tasted a new flavor, a new dimension in our birth experience.  We miss our Gideon, we wish we would have had those moments with him, and it made us sad.  Because we know what we are missing, we are so much more grateful for the chance to hear our baby cry, to hold her and snuggle her, to feel her squiggle and move, to not have to pass her off to the NICU right away.  We both experienced these feelings of sadness and overwhelming gratitude as we heard her cry.  (Don't get me wrong, NICU doctors and nurses are amazing, but it was a treasure to be handed my baby seconds after delivering her.)

Our 10 year old noticed how we were able to have so many more quiet and calm moments with Miriam.  With Gideon, there were machines and monitors all over, and so there was a lot of background noise, as well as a nurse who HAD to be there to monitor him.  Watching my children be able to hold and gather around their sister, to touch her without worry that her breathing would stop or her body would hurt too badly was such a blessing, and a moment I will treasure.  I treasure the way each one reacted to her, from tears, to smiles, to stares, to laughs, to eager hands that wanted to hold her, to the suggestion that we sing to her, because our Gideon loved music and so Miriam probably will too.

Daddy and his girls

 My husband does not love his tender heart, (I'm pretty sure it makes him feel not very manly) but I adore it, and consider it a gift he has been blessed with.  It's one of the reasons I fell in love with him, and it continually blesses my life.  I fall back in love with him as I watch him hold our babies, help our children learn and grow, melt when our daughter smiles at him sweetly, and understand my grief when I mourn for the baby we don't have with us.  He is a good man with a good heart.  As part of every day life and marriage to another human being, we have our differences, and they sometimes bother either one of us, but in my moments of "clarity" I'm so in love with his tender heart.  I got to fall in love with him again yesterday and today as I watched all of these beautiful moments happen.  It was a special day.

I have been able to take time to just think about my blessings.  I don't always take time to do this, but it is so good for the soul, and I highly recommend it.  I missed attending church today, but took a little extra time to consider the gifts I don't always take time to think of: the ability to breathe deeply, time with my family, medical sciences, the human ability to repair itself, nature's magical ability (or God given ability--depending on your views) to reproduce. the way warm blankets or hugs can soothe and comfort a body to name a few that I thought of today.  I thought about the strengths and weaknesses of each of the members in my family, and how they interact and how we're a team and helping each other to become more amazing..  I have so many loved friends and family who I got to send texts/emails out to, and while it was a lengthy list, I consider myself so blessed to know there are so many people who I can rely on, who love me and want to know what is happening in my life, and the ability to use technology to send pictures and information almost instantly is so awesome!  

I am NOT a real huge fan of the song "Everything is Awesome" from the Lego movie, some of the harmonies grate at my nerves and seem very randomly chosen, and some of the repetition bugs me, but some of my kids like it, and the words to the chorus are so true.  "Everything is awesome, everything is cool when you're part of a team, everything is awesome when we're living our dream."  I am living my dream.  I always wanted to be a mom.  I always wanted to teach people.  I love nurturing, discovering, learning.  I enjoy nature.  I am living all of these dreams, by being a mother, being part of a wonderful family team, and team of people working for the success of my children, I have a garden, I get to be part of creating almost every single day.  Is this what I want to be doing?  YES!  I hope that everyone who reads this takes a minute to think about A.) whether you are living your dream and B.) some blessings you don't always think about.  Hopefully it will help you feel pretty awesome about life!  

Welcome to life, little one!!