Grateful in any circumstance

A few weeks ago, I was able to speak in church with a young lady who had recently returned from serving a mission in my church. I was one of the leaders in our youth group many years ago, and now she is an adult, and asked if I would mind sharing some of my thoughts and feelings, as she shared what she had learned and experienced while serving a mission. Since it was around Thanksgiving time, my heart turned both to thoughts of happiness and gratitude. This post is mostly what I said during that talk, as well as accompanying thoughts.

In April 2014, when I was pregnant with Gideon, we had general conference in which the apostle Dieter F. Uchtdorf gave a talk called Grateful in Any Circumstance, which helped us immensely through the difficult process of finding a new normal as we lived with the grief of losing a child. Its message was timely, what we would need in the coming months. We didn’t know how much we would rely on this talk, but it has become such a treasure to Scott and I. There are many words of wisdom in it's pages, and I still frequently read it and find ways to be more happy because of it.

"I believe that all of us experience times when the very fabric of our world tears at the seams, leaving us feeling alone, frustrated, and adrift. It can happen to anyone. No one is immune."

I am currently serving in Young Women’s in my ward in Syracuse, and recently gave a lesson about spiritual self-reliance. No-one is immune to challenges. Being prepared with a treasure chest full of spiritual resources--quotes, favorite scriptures, songs, or hymns that can help one feel the spirit and feel the Savior’s love is a fabulous way to try and be prepared for whatever lessons are coming at you through difficult circumstances ahead. Even if a person does not believe in religion or being spiritual, having a treasure chest full of confidence, wise words from great books, and good friends and family can help a person to be more ready for the curve balls that life will inevitably throw at them.

"It might sound contrary to the wisdom of the world to suggest that one who is burdened with sorrow should give thanks to God. But those who set aside the bottle of bitterness and lift instead the goblet of gratitude can find a purifying drink of healing, peace, and understanding."

Elder Uchtdorf challenged us to be grateful not just for blessings, but for situations and circumstances, and that we make gratitude something that is a part of who we are.

"Could I suggest that we see gratitude as a disposition, a way of life that stands independent of our current situation? In other words, I’m suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances--whatever they may be."

For a few years, I had a calling that was very terrifying to me--I played the piano for stake choir. It was an incredibly intimidating calling for me, but I learned so much from it. I knew that there were people who had much more musical skill than I did, and sometimes wondered why I was asked to perform that service, rather than someone more qualified. However, I know that I learned and grew from it, not only musically, but spiritually, and that the Lord put me in places where I could learn what he needed me to learn. In the stake conference following Gideon's passing, we sang a song that made me cry so hard I was nearly shaking at the piano each week. I’m sure if you try to imagine singing the words to this song within a few months of burying your baby, you can understand why it was so meaningful to me. The second verse says “An infant’s smile, a mother’s touch, a sister’s gentle hands. A father guiding childish feet, through shifting treacherous sands. For bonds that cross eternity, for ties that never cease. For such a special family, I thank thee Lord for these.” The chorus says “Oh Lord, anoint mine eyes to see and let my spirit sing and give all thanks to thee. Oh Lord, my heart would sing thy praise, my voice in gladness raise, for all thy hands have made. Until I hear and see and feel thy hand in everything.” This song became such an anthem to me as I sought ways to be grateful, and to see the Lord's hand in the trial I was facing at the time.

The message of that song is exactly what I believe Elder Uchtdorf’s talk is about. We can ask the Lord to help us see his hands in everything, to recognize his goodness, even in our difficult times.

I love to be in control of things in my life. I’m not quite a control freak, but I’m pretty close. Also, I love super heroes--I’m a big fan of most of the Super Hero TV shows and movies that come out. I love the Marvel heroes, and the D.C. heroes, and pretty much all super heroes. Our family has watched “The Flash” together over the last few years, and there’s an episode where one character explains to another “You have 4 rules: 1 Make the plan. 2. Execute the plan. 3. Expect the plan to go off the rails. 4. Throw away the plan.”

Many of the difficult circumstances I find myself in occur when my plan goes off the rails. Most people don’t expect or plan on divorce. We don’t plan on kids getting sick on holidays so we miss time with our extended family. We don’t plan on burying our tiny people. We don’t always plan for the need to relocate, or for losing a job. For me, I particularly resist changes in my life that feel like an ending. Elder Uchtdorf reminds us in this talk that endings don’t feel natural to us as mortal beings because we are made of the stuff of eternity. I really detest the feeling of losing control over my plan. Truly, though, when I have tried to take a step back and acknowledge that the Lord knows more than I do, that the things I’m experiencing will all help me learn and grow if I let them, then instead of doing my plan, I turn the plan over to the Lord and let Him make more out of me than I could have made out of myself.

I’m no artist. I can do music, but cutesy, artsy things are not a gift of mine. So the idea of myself painting a masterpiece is truly ludicrous to me. I can imagine myself starting out with a plan in mind, and then having it “go off the rails”. I’d be all too happy to throw the plan away, hand that paintbrush over to a master, and watch them make it more amazing than I could on my own. And I believe that the Lord is the master--who can make it beautiful and awesome in ways I never could.

It sounds so plain and simple “Just have an attitude of gratitude and ask the Lord for perspective.” This is definitely one of those things that is far easier to talk about than it is to actually put into practice.

I have found many times that when I have asked the Lord for understanding, I haven’t got it. I still do NOT understand so many of the trials I’ve had to face. But I have had a peaceful reassurance that one day I will understand, I will be able to see how much our family has grown from Gideon’s life and death, and in general, that the trials and frustrations will all add up to be a part of a masterpiece that I just can’t comprehend right now.

Elder Uchtdorf put that into these words “In any circumstance, our sense of gratitude is nourished by the many and sacred truths we DO know; that our Father has given His children the great plan of happiness; that through the Atonement of His Son, Jesus Christ, we can live forever with our loved ones; that in the end, we will have glorious, perfect, and immortal bodies, unburdened by sickness or disability; and that our tears of sadness and loss will be replaced with an abundance of happiness and joy ‘good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over.’”

I feel so strongly, even still, that the Lord answers my prayers. Even when Gideon continued to deteriorate, I knew He knew what I truly needed, and what our family truly needed. I still find that I don't have all the answers. I still miss Gideon, I still don't understand all the reasons behind what is happening in my life. Christmas time is hard, as our family spends time together making memories, I miss all the things that could have been: what he would have wanted for Christmas, the look on his face after the first snowfall, building his first snowman. I still hold firm to the faith that I will get to experience these moments with him after he is resurrected, and I am grateful for that faith, and for the plan that allows death to not sting so much.

I know that the Lord is mindful of me, in all the situations I’ve faced. I’ve felt His peace, even as I have lacked understanding. I have found answers many times doing those basic daily tasks “read the scriptures and pray”, but I don’t have all the answers and I know I won’t for a long time. I am so grateful for the answers I do have, though--that God loves me and knows me. That His plan for me and for everyone is truly a plan of happiness. I know that the Savior made it possible for us to be resurrected perfect and whole, and to be forgiven for our failures, our mistakes, and the pain we’ve experienced in this life. I know that my entire family will get to be together one day, and I am grateful to be able to have peace and hope that God has a plan for me that is bigger and better than the one I’d have picked for myself.