Full to bursting

Most people think I'm nuts for having as many children as I do.  (I've had 6 babies, each one wanted and planned.)  I have accepted that truth (that I'm nuts)...there is a certain amount of crazy that just has to be part of you to want to have this many responsibilities, this much potential for life to be randomly turned upside down, this much noise.  I also think, though, that I have grown and learned so much from each of my children, and each one helps my heart grow and adds so much to our family.  Sometimes when I'm pregnant, even though I want and love the baby, I'm nervous and afraid of how we'll all handle life with another child in our family.  Once they are here though, I typically wonder what we would ever do without them.

My toddler loves her stuffed animals a lot.  She likes to snuggle so many of them when she goes to bed that I'm not sure how she manages to hold them all.  When I put her to bed, she asks for each one by name.  "Bippo.  Jaffe.  Owl.  Bear.  Bunny."  (We never used to put her to bed with stuffed animals, but once she got old enough to talk and carry them around and interact with them, they sort of just ended up snuggling with her.)  Sometimes there are some changes to which ones she snuggles, but there are often more than really fit in her little arms.  Her smile, though, when her arms are full of her little animals reminds me of how my heart feels when we have those moments where we're all together and enjoying the moment.  I had to take a picture of it, because she's just so cute about it.

Whether it's reading a good book together, enjoying a movie together, going camping or exploring a new place together, or trying new foods together, my heart delights in the moments when my "treasures" are all nearby, sharing memories with me (when the moments don't contain bickering, fighting, complaining about hunger, or pestering--which are also a very real part of having such a large family).  I have more blessings than my arms can carry, more children to hug than can actually fit well in my arms all at once, but I am so truly happy.  I'd be lying if I said that this journey doesn't overwhelm me sometimes.  It does.  One thing I am learning is that just because something is overwhelming doesn't mean it is impossible.  And I've found that I should NOT turn away from things that overwhelm me, because they are also awesome chances to grow and share in moments that make my heart burst.

Family Lesson: Smart choices

I love children's literature.  There are so many wonderful things to be learned from reading: whether it's poetry, books, or magazines, or even the news, it broadens our minds.  I love reading, and though I rarely take the time to enjoy novels like I used to, I am teaching my children to love the library and to love reading and learning.

I also love short and easy lessons.  Family Home Evening is a program that was recommended by a prophet in my church many years ago.  (I don't know which prophet, or when, it was a ways back, and I don't keep track of EVERYTHING.)  It's a great idea, whether one is a member of the LDS faith or not, to just have a time to discuss things as a family, to share lessons or talk about subjects that are important.

This week, we talked about making wise choices, and about understanding the things we choose before we jump in and choose them.  We related it to choices about drugs, alcohol, failing in school, and many other reckless behaviors, but it could really be related to just about anything with regards to choosing wisely.  And our "text" was the poem "Smart" by Shel Silverstein.


I pulled out all of the proper coinage, and we talked about why the father, who sees and understands the values of the choices his son is making might be disappointed with what his son decided to do with the gift that was given to him.  This led us to talk about "gifts" that we are given by our Heavenly Father, who wants us to use them wisely instead of throwing them away or trading them for something we might think will be better, but would really leave us with less.  We also talked about why the boy believed that he was making good choices: four IS indeed more than three, and if you don't understand the value of the choices you make, you might believe you're making a good choice, when really you aren't.  We also talked about choosing between a good thing (such as 2 quarters) and a better thing (such as 1 dollar).  We had a lovely short discussion, but one I hope all the children will remember as they make choices in their lives.  Truthfully, I hope it's one I'll remember as I continue to make choices in my own life.

The Easter talk

I wanted to post this before Easter, but life is full and crazy, and I simply did not get around to it.  My feelings haven't changed one bit, though, about Christ or the resurrection or about my deep gratitude for it, so it's still absolutely relevant. 

I had the opportunity to speak in sacrament meeting on Easter Sunday.  (For those not of my faith: sacrament meeting is the main meeting on Sunday, where all the children and adults gather for a little over an hour, to think of the Savior, take the sacrament--bread and water to represent Him, and to remind us of Him, and which He first instituted with his apostles during the Last Supper, and to hear uplifting messages from members of the local area, usually chosen by the bishop.)  It was a scary privilege, speaking is always a scary privilege, but it was especially heavy, since it was on Easter Sunday: such an important day to really feel and appreciate what the Savior did.  A few of my family members asked me to send them my talk (which, of course, I did not read word for word, but this is pretty close) and I thought it made sense to share it on here, which is for sharing my thoughts and feelings. So, without further ado: my Easter Talk, with a few fun added pictures, since this IS my blog and I love pictures.

Introduce self/family—include the life change of “losing” Gideon.

I REALLY love super heroes.  I love movies about them, and imagining about how cool it would be to have super powers….  I think it would be awesome to walk on walls, miraculously rescue people with super strength, hear and influence thoughts, control the weather, be super brilliant and creative, or be tough enough to endure almost any pain and recover quickly.  I have never been able to make up my mind about which power I’d want to have.  Some days, when I’ve had a particularly awesome day as a mother, I feel like I should have earned a cape by now.

A few years ago, in another ward,  I was teaching some primary children, and it dawned on me that I should think of Jesus Christ as a superhero.   He didn’t walk on walls, but He walked on water..  Superman was often frustrated with his limitations on how he couldn’t save everyone, but Jesus Christ didn’t have that problem.  He saved EVERYONE. The Bible Dictionary explains grace this way: Grace is the help or strength given through the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ. Through the grace of God, everyone who has lived will be resurrected—our spirits will be reunited with our bodies, never again to be separated. Through His grace, the Lord also enables those who live His gospel to repent and be forgiven . Our Savior hears our prayers, our thoughts, our hearts, and through the Holy Ghost, he is able to influence and direct ours.  He calmed the raging storm, He knows when we are telling the truth, and can help us find the truth in our lives.  He had to have been immensely brilliant and creative to come up with such an awesome planet—with deserts, rainforests, oceans, mountains, and what seems like an infinite number of living creatures, but to Him, they are finite.  They are numbered, He knows his creations.  And He was the toughest cookie to ever live on the Earth.  He had to be tough to endure the suffering and pain of the entire world during the Atonement.  And He conquered death.  Because He was resurrected, we all will be.  I am so excited to see my little son again, to get to hold and raise him one day.  And I appreciate the gift of resurrection more than I ever did before.

But there’s a little bit of a catch.  3^rd Article of Faith: We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel.  That means we to choose to follow him by obeying the laws and ordinances of the gospel. Well….we have to try, anyway.  We have known from the time the Plan of Happiness was presented in Heaven that we wouldn’t be able to be perfectly obedient, and that we would fall short.  And so Heavenly Father gave us a Savior, to make up the difference. 

So sometimes I wonder, how do I know if I’m really trying hard enough?  I often wonder if I am trying hard enough, or if I’m good enough.  I’m going to share a long portion of a talk by Elder Devn J Cornish of the 70, who spoke last fall in General Conference.  (This part may have to be summarized if time is short.)

“Through a series of tender mercies as a young doctor coming out of medical school, I was accepted for pediatric residency training in a high-powered, competitive program. When I met the other interns, I felt like the least intelligent and least prepared of all. I thought there was no way I could measure up to the rest of the group.

Early in our third month, I was sitting in the nurse’s station in the hospital late one night, alternately sobbing to myself and falling asleep as I tried to write the admission orders for a small boy with pneumonia. I had never felt so discouraged in my life. I didn’t have any idea how to treat pneumonia in a 10-year-old. I began to wonder what I was doing there.

Just at that moment, one of the senior residents put his hand on my shoulder. He asked me how I was doing, and I poured out my frustrations and fears. His response changed my life. He told me how proud he and all of the other senior residents were of me and how they felt like I was going to be an excellent doctor. In short, he believed in me at a time when I didn’t even believe in myself.

(I ABSOLUTELY believe that the Savior believes in us, sees the potential in us, and believes in us, even when we don’t believe in ourselves.)

As with my own experience, our members often ask, “Am I good enough as a person?” or “Will I really make it to the celestial kingdom?” Of course, there is no such thing as “being good enough.” None of us could ever “earn” or “deserve” our salvation, but it is normal to wonder if we are acceptable before the Lord, which is how I understand these questions.

Sometimes when we attend church, we become discouraged even by sincere invitations to improve ourselves. We think silently, “I can’t do all these things” or “I will never be as good as all these people.” Perhaps we feel much the same as I did in the hospital that night.

Let me be direct and clear. The answers to the questions “Am I good enough?” and “Will I make it?” are “Yes! You are going to be good enough” and “Yes, you are going to make it as long as you keep repenting and do not rationalize or rebel.” The God of heaven is not a heartless referee looking for any excuse to throw us out of the game. He is our perfectly loving Father, who yearns more than anything else to have all of His children come back home and live with Him as families forever. He truly gave His Only Begotten Son that we might not perish but have everlasting life!1 Please believe, and please take hope and comfort from, this eternal truth. Our Heavenly Father intends for us to make it! That is His work and His glory.”

Do I believe that God knows what he is doing?  Oh my goodness, I have had this faith tested a few times in my life, but I truly do.  I know He knows what He is doing.  His master plan is for us to succeed, to have immortality and eternal life.  And He didn’t set a plan in place so that most of us would fall short.  I’m sure he was confident that His plan was going to help us all progress, but we have to choose Him over distractions.  We have to REALLY TRY.

It’s HARD to always be trying our best, and to always make great choices, but it is made easier when we love God.  That leads us to love other people, and to lose our desires to sin.  And learning to love God and Jesus Christ means we have to take the time to get to know them, just like we have to get to know and love people.   Except we can’t literally ring a doorbell and go have a chat, we have to read, study, listen, and ponder in order to learn about and know them.  We live in a world where so many people believe that Christianity or religion is oppressive, that it ties and binds.  So many people believe taking time to study scripture or pray is a waste.  Satan has done a FABULOUS job of tricking people into believing the exact opposite of the truth.  A true belief in Christ, a deep testimony is one of the most liberating, enabling, empowering things a person can ever have in their life. 

I’d like to share two stories from Jesus’ life.  One is when He is with his disciples on the boat, and He was so absolutely exhausted that he was sleeping through an awful storm. (Possibly another superpower?) The apostles woke Him, because they were terrified, they were sure they were all going to die, and He first rebuked the storm, and then rebuked them for their lack of faith.  If they REALLY understood who He was, they would have known that God was not going to sink that ship. 

The other is from another storm found in Matthew 14. Jesus’ apostles were out in a boat on the Sea of Galilee, and Jesus approached them via the water.  At first they were all afraid, they thought it was a ghost, but He called out to them to calm their fears.  We can learn much from Peter in this story.  He said in verse 28: Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.  So Jesus did, and Peter did it.  He walked on the water toward Jesus.  But in verse 30, he saw the wind boisterous, and he became afraid.  And he started to sink, and cried out to the Lord “Save me”, and Jesus grabbed his hand, and helped him walk back to the boat.

Storms will come in our lives.  They just will.  People we love will die.  We will get sick.  Sometimes our friends and family will make choices that lead them away from happiness.  Sometimes, Jesus may calm the storm.  Sometimes, He may simply help us walk through the storm.  Sometimes, we might feel like we’ve got everything under control, and then become distracted by the waves, and become afraid and begin to sink.  This happens.  And a belief in Jesus allows us to call out to Him to save us, and He can help us to overcome those difficult things.  A strong testimony in the resurrection, in Christ’s power to heal and save can make all the difference through those storms.

I want to share some of the words from a beautiful song called “Still Believe” written by Hilary Weeks.  This explains much of how I feel about my Savior.  “I haven’t seen His face, but I have seen His miracles.  I haven’t heard His voice, but His spirit speaks to my heart.  I haven’t felt His hands, but I have felt His peace; and blessed are those who haven’t seen and still believe.  I didn’t walk with Him but each day he’s here by my side.  I didn’t watch as He healed, but His love has changed my life.  I didn’t see the cross, but I know it was for me, and blessed are those who haven’t seen and still believe.”

My VERY favorite scripture is Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me.”  I have relied on this promise many times, and I know that I will need to rely on it in the future.  He lends us strength, He helps us succeed, He makes it possible to weather the storms.

Jesus Christ is the ULTIMATE hero, He is there to help ALL of us succeed, and He helps us still today, because He lives, and He is still invested in who we are.  He has done the Atonement part of the plan of happiness, but that plan is going on RIGHT NOW, and we have to choose to follow it too.  He believes in us, even when we don’t believe in ourselves.  And not only does He have all of these amazing powers, but He has the power to see OUR super powers we all have hidden underneath, and wants to encourage us to rise and reach that potential, to become like Heavenly Father.  He knows me, and He knows you.  He lives, and because He lives, we will ALL live again.  We will see our loved ones.  To paraphrase Elder McConkie “In a coming day, we will get to feel the nail marks in his hands and feet and wet his feet with our tears.”  We will see Him, and if we have taken the time to get to know him and feel His love, we will recognize Him.

Love notes

A few weeks ago, I saw a Facebook post suggesting that beginning on February 1st, and going up through Valentine's Day, one should write a note to each of their children telling them what he or she loves about them.  I thought this would be a fabulous exercise for myself, helping my children to feel loved, and helping myself remember many of their best qualities, so I decided to go for it.  On day 1, after I had written and delivered everyone's notes to their doors, I thought of my Gideon.  I wanted a way to include him too, so I decided to write him tiny notes, and stick them to his picture.  He was, by far, the hardest, because sticking notes to his picture, instead of his door, was NOT what I ever wanted.  The first few days, I cried as I wished for the chance to put these on his door, to read them to him, and to know more about him, so I'd have more to say.  Looking at his picture daily, and searching for things I could say about how/why I love him when I only got to spend such a short time with him was very difficult, but it was also very therapeutic.  Many of the things I love about him are the changes he has brought into my life.  He helped strengthen my marriage, my faith, and my resolve to be a better person.  I love all those things about him.  

One of my most treasured memories is of singing to him with my other children.  All his vitals were constantly being monitored; his little lungs were very underdeveloped.  Consequently, he needed a very high concentration of oxygen to keep himself at the right amount of saturation.  Except when we sang to him, his O2 would peak, and they'd have to turn it down.  Something about music... I love that I have that memory.  And I love that there is a musical connection between us.

On the first few days, my kids were not really smitten with their love notes.  "What is this?" and weird looks were mostly how they were received.  After about 5 days, they started reminding me if the notes weren't put up by late afternoon.  When I told them that today was going to be the last day of notes, they were all shocked.  My 6 year old wants me to keep going "at least until the day after Thanksgiving"....I told him that we would run out of wall space.  I am grateful for this chance I got to dig deep inside myself, to pay attention and search for the gifts that each of my children have been blessed with, to really observe them and the way I feel about them, and to share it with them.  It took a long time to cut and write their notes, and I did miss one day (being completely honest and keeping it real for those who fall short like myself), but I'm so glad I took the time to reach out to each of my family members this way, even my husband and my son who isn't here to read the notes.  He'd be 2 and a half now and I know I'd love and enjoy him so much.

  My biggest hope for these love notes to my children and spouse was that they'd feel loved and special, and I think that it was a success.  My biggest hope for myself is that I'd be able to remember and put into words many of the different ways that each of these special people have blessed my life, and reasons I love them, and that it would enlarge my heart, and I think that worked too.  Happy Valentines Day, I hope everyone has the chance to feel loved and special today and every day, and also that everyone has the chance to notice, appreciate, and share those observations with the treasured ones in their lives.

I'm a dreamer--Invitation to ALL

My heart has been permanently changed.  Losing a child has left me with some long-term sensitivities that will most likely never leave me.  (I can't say 100% for sure that they'll never leave, because although I love to share my--cough cough--abundance of wisdom, I don't pretend to be able to read the future, not even my own.)   I know that I do not understand what other people have experienced, that I can not ever fully comprehend their circumstances, and I know that I should not judge them, or assume that I know what they are going through.  I have ultimate respect for moments that are treasured and used wisely, and I am dreadfully disappointed by wasted time.  I believe time is wasted with any moment that we use to tear others down or create barriers, partly because I have had the privilege of spending time with a tiny human being who never uttered an unkind word or syllable during his life, and who never will.  I have been blessed by people who didn't judge me in my tough times, and I have been very hurt by people who have made unkind, rude comments or judgments that they had no business making.

These sensitivities have led me to discover a hope for a better world, as well as a disappointment with the one in which I now exist.  I want to see people build each other up, not tear each other down.  I love to see strangers give positive words to each other, and I want to see more people restrain themselves and refrain from insults and injury to other human beings.  I know and expect that everyone will not agree.  Diversity and differences are a beautiful part of the world we live in, and I fully respect everyone's right to disagree, but I want to be part of a world where we can actually agree to disagree, and do so agreeably.

When I shared these sentiments a few days ago on my Facebook page, a family member of mine told me that I am living in a dream world, and that he wished we all did.  For some reason, that comment has reverberated in thoughts from the first moment I read it.

The first thing it reminded me of is a favorite scripture of mine (from the Book of Mormon) Ether 12:4  Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.

I have loved this scripture since I was a teenager.  I love that entire chapter, it is one of my top 5 favorites in all of the scriptures.  To paraphrase and make it personal: I believe in God, and that faith inspires me to hope for a better world, one where more people believe in Him and try to be like Him.  This desire for a better world helps me to do good, helps me to be sure and steadfast, and helps me to glorify God, and it's all true.  I am a dreamer, I am a hopeful person, I believe the world can and should be a much better place.

I could list an overwhelming amount of scriptures that talk about hope and faith, because they are two principles that are so relevant to life.  I hope for a better world.  I have faith in the resurrection, which gave me hope when my heart was so broken as we learned that our son was most likely not going to live, and my hope made that desperate situation much less miserable.  My hope is so robust that it might be called "lively hope" as Peter called it in 1 Peter 1:3.  And my hope HAS to be strong, or else the misery and disappointment would be the primary players on the stage of my heart.  I want other people to have a sense of love, faith, and hope that is able to help them to get through their hard times, like the hope in my heart helps me get through my own.

I'm a dreamer.  Another thought I had after reading the aforementioned comment was a poem from Shel Silverstein (I LOVE HIS SENSE OF HUMOR!!)

I am totally a dreamer.  I hope.  I pray.  I FEEL God's love when I pray, and I've been guided through tough times by His inspiration after prayers.  To some people, that might equate with buying magic beans, but for me, the hope I have gets me through every day.   (And it's OK with me if you don't agree with me about believing in God--we can still be friends.) I never want to be the person that damages another person's hope, their sense of humanity, their belief that they are a good, capable person.  I don't want to insult someone, and make them believe they are anything less than a special child of God.  So if you're a dreamer, this is an invitation for you.

It's not too late to resolve to "break" the status-quo.  Who cares if it's January 13th, and not January 1st?  I can decide to make a change ANY time.  I'm not going to try to weight lift this year, I'm going to "people lift".  I have begun building my "dream world", and I'm inviting anyone else around me to do the same.  Life is too short to waste on waiting for a special set date at which I will try to change the way I post and the way I comment, or to encourage others to focus on positivity.  Nobody knows how much time they really have (we were given only a few days with our son--that's it).  So don't waste it.  It doesn't take a huge amount of preparation to have a special moment where you lift someone up.  I'm going to start lifting today.

The best gift I ever got for Christmas

Sometimes, my learning journey may teach me something I already know, in a new, deeper way.  The last few years of my life, since Gideon died, have definitely been just that for me.  

The Christmas just after his death, I strongly suspected that I was pregnant again.  I could have taken an early pregnancy test to find out, but I was already fairly certain that God and Gideon had teamed up to send me something that they knew would help bring healing to my heart, and a way for Gideon to send hugs from heaven.  2 days after Christmas, I knew for sure that we were expecting a baby.  She has truly brought so much goodness and love into our home, and we appreciate her so much more after losing a baby.  What a wonderful Christmas present our rainbow baby has been.

My heart still aches to hold my son, the holiday season is still one of the harder times of year because I want my family to all be together during the holidays, and I have yearned to be able to give to my Gideon like I can give to my other children.  I have started crying right in the middle of Christmas shopping, because I wished I could buy presents for him.  The only gifts I can possibly give him now are gifts that can't be bought.

I have thought a lot about these gifts that can't be bought lately: love, devotion, service, quality time, memories, health, family, forgiveness, life.  I have been given a lot of gifts.  Our energetic, hug-and-kiss-filled young daughter has helped us to give those gifts that we wanted to give so badly to the son we lost.  We love sharing these gifts with her, and we love that she shares those same gifts with us.   Last week, I had concluded that she was the best Christmas present I ever got.

Then I took it one step further.  I thought about how much hope, joy, and love this baby has brought into our lives.  And then I pondered the bigger picture; how much hope and love the baby Jesus brought, not only into the life of my family, but of all families and individuals everywhere.  Because of Him, I have ALL the gifts that can't be bought, and I have the ability to share them with others.  Because of Him, my Gideon will be resurrected and I will get to share all these amazing gifts with my son.  Because of Him, forgiveness and mercy are possible, and not only do I get these gifts, but they are offered to ALL people, everywhere. What an awesome gift that is.  It is no wonder that angels sang His praises.  It is no wonder that when the angel declared it to the shepherds, he said that he brought "tidings of great joy".  "Great joy" just isn't strong enough to express how much joy His life made possible.  Death is NOT the end anymore, because of Him.  He knows how to heal ALL our wounds, and He will heal them all one day.  As much as I appreciate the love I feel for my children and my family and the amazing gift that my little daughter has been, Jesus Christ, my Savior, is the best gift that was ever given, because He makes all the other gifts possible.  

Video: Because of Him

Do you see what I see?

When I was young, I thought that the song "Do You Hear What I Hear?" was fun.  I knew it was a Christmas song, but I hadn't listened to it enough to really pay attention: it was talking about sheep, a star, a shepherd hearing angels, and the baby Jesus.  Somehow, I just sang without really thinking about the words, what they meant overall, and particularly what they mean to me.

For the last few days, as I've thought about this song, I have stumbled across a new idea, a new meaning that has touched me deeply, and that I thought I'd share.  What if Jesus was singing this song to me or about me, instead of the other way around?  What if the first verse said THIS instead:

 "Said the Savior to His little lamb 'Do you see what I see?  Way deep down inside little lamb?  Do you see what I see?'"

When he sings "Do you see what I see?" and I know that He can see into every corner of who I am and who I have the potential to be, would I really be able to see myself that way?  What does He see when He looks at me?  If Jesus sang to me "Do you hear what I hear?" after hearing me speak to (or about) others, would I be grateful that He can hear the unspoken things I want to communicate, or would I feel ashamed?  When he says "Do you know what I know?" about what I could achieve, can I really comprehend it, and would I try harder to reach for it if I could?  And when He (the Mighty King) says "Listen to what I say", would I realize that His counsel would help me to become that amazing person He can see?

I think, because He can see our potential and see the desires of our hearts, because He gives us points for trying, that many of us would find that we are far more amazing than we ever give ourselves credit for.  We need to be kinder to ourselves, love ourselves, and embrace our very best selves more often.

I love this song on a whole new level this year.  I hope every time I hear it from now on, I think about what the Savior sees when He sees me.

In case you haven't heard it before, here's a very beautiful version:
Do You Hear What I Hear: by former Celtic women