The present

Years ago, a good friend and sister in law of mine passed away.  She did have a "heads up"--she had breast cancer, it wasn't diagnosed until stage 4 and had already spread into many areas.  Something I learned from her journey through cancer, and from her last few years on earth was that we are blessed by every day that we have here on earth.  She often said "Every day is a gift, that is why it is called the present."  Pink (for breast cancer) bracelets were made, to remind us that every day is a gift.  I still often wear mine in October during breast cancer awareness month.  I LOVE that quote, and the lessons I learned from her have stuck with me, and I have tried to enjoy my time more, especially as a Mom, after watching her struggle to leave her family behind.

When she was 8 months old, our daughter was hospitalized with RSV and pneumonia, and we almost lost her.  I thought then that I had learned to appreciate time with my children, and that I had learned the lesson I needed to about being grateful for each moment I had with the people I love.

The more recent lesson from losing my child, has far outshone the others.  Almost losing a child is not as painful and lingering as actually losing one, although the experience was still terrifying and made me rethink things.  With him not here, I realize how many gifts I miss with him--I got only 7 days, and much of that time wasn't even spent together, as he was in the NICU, and I couldn't be there constantly.  I am grateful for the one week we had, and I know that it was a miracle to have even had him that long with all the problems he had.  Still...it wasn't enough.  In a more consuming way, this has made me appreciate the time I have with my living children, my siblings, my parents, my friends so much more.

Because I am expecting, and I don't know what surprises the pregnancy may have in store for me, I have been trying to seize time now to make memories with my kids.  I am so grateful (even though Gideon never got to see it with mortal eyes) that we went to Bryce National Park with our children last May, while I was pregnant with him.  I am so glad we took him to Bear World in utero.  Gideon was in my tummy at my brother's wedding.  It's a silly thing, but I feel like we did at least get a few family vacations where he was there. 

This baby has been getting to enjoy lots of trips too, I am so painfully aware that I don't know how much time I'll have with any of my children.  Not that every day has to be full of new things and new places, but I want to make every day with my family count.  In the last few weeks, we've visited 2 new parks that we had never been to before, and visited my aunt at her farm, where she let us ride ponies and horses, and meet her new baby pony (born just a month ago).

 We went to Tracy Aviary.  Two of my kids got to participate in the live bird show--feeding ducks and feeding an emu. 

We visited their great grandmother (my grandma) and went to Willow Park Zoo.  We love animals, and we love great grandma's house (which has a little pond in the back with REAL lily pads and dragonflies and a hummingbird feeder!!)

  We have also enjoyed making memories at home--we started the 5th Harry Potter last fall, letting kids earn pages for good behavior, and we finally finished it last week, and watched the movie upon finishing.  What an accomplishment that all of us (including baby) have been a part of--she likes to kick while I read, and the kids love to feel her move as I read to them. We've gone and bought new books to read, checked out books from the library, practiced reading and writing and math, and dissected owl pellets.  We've enjoyed some tremendous summer thunderstorms, and we enjoyed running and playing in a warm summer shower last week.  (I didn't go play in it, I wanted to have towels ready when they got cold and came in.)  I've introduced the kids to some "new old" shows that I watched when I was a kid, they have discovered that they enjoy both He-Man and She-ra, and we laugh about the way cartoons used to be, as well as enjoying the "moral" at the end of each episode.  We have lots of fun projects planned, and fun places to visit with family.  I LOVE being a mom, a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a wife--it's so fun for me to spend time with my family, and I treasure it in a way I never did before.

There are times when these precious moments make me miss my Gideon more, as I wish he was here to share them with us.  Family moments just make me really wish he were here.  (Though he would probably not like any of the hour long car rides we've done...) I wish he could know his brothers and sister and see them grow and hear them laugh.  I am, though, so grateful for the children that I get to have with me here and now, they are some of my greatest treasures.  And I am so grateful for each day I get to be alive, to be with people I love, to discover and grow and experience the amazing things that life has to offer.  I am wholly grateful for the present.

28 weeks

Who knew this milestone would make me so emotional?

This picture was taken last summer, only about a week before Gideon was born.  I am about as big now as I was then, and this time, baby and I are still growing.  Little did I know when this picture was taken that our pregnancy was going to be cut short, and that my son would not have long to be with us.  I'd have treasured his kicks and wiggles more if I knew now what I knew then.

I am 28 weeks today.  I never made it this far with Gideon's pregnancy, they were so concerned with his development and his kidneys that they took him early to do surgery to remove the fluids in his kidney and try to give his lungs the chance to grow as they should have been doing.  This week, I got to do my glucose blood draw at my own doctor's office.  With Gideon, I drank it at the U of U hospital after they admitted me, and they did my bloodwork there, shortly before giving me the first steroid shot in my hip.  The glucose test is still not fun, but it was so much better than it was last year, when I was reeling after being checked in to the hospital because there was no more fluid around his body and they wanted to monitor him; I had just been given the news that our baby's problem was most likely fatal.

Before I got pregnant again, I was told we were at higher risk for another baby with similar problems to Gideon.  I was told I was at a higher risk of future premature delivery, since we had delivered a premature baby.  I have hoped that this baby would be able to develop longer and healthier than Gideon, and we are now to the point that she has succeeded at both of these hopes.  Feeling her move, knowing she's still growing and doing alright--it's a treasure.  Even Scott has said that our experience with Gideon makes him treasure feeling her every movement, and helped him to realize that he loves this baby, even though she's not here yet.

Sure, I'm uncomfortable.  It's hard to sleep sometimes, it's hard to bend, I don't fit in all the same places (or clothes) I used to.  It's getting hot, and I'm way more sensitive to the heat when I'm pregnant. Without the perspective I gained, I'd normally be complaining a little (or a LOT) more.  Don't get me wrong, I do still complain.  Gideon changed me, but I'm not that perfect. 

The thing is, I spent most of last August and September wishing that my baby was still growing inside of me, developing healthy and well, so he could come in early October like he was supposed to.  Inevitably, other women had babies.  Many of these are friends or relatives of mine, and had been pregnant with me; and while I absolutely and wholeheartedly hoped that their babies (and they) would be healthy, it was still hard to have been "cut off" from enjoying my own child.  I was so excited for them, and never would wish that type of loss on anyone, but each baby was a reminder of what I was missing.  Some women went over their due dates and complained, and then gave birth to healthy babies, and I was jealous.  I understand about the last weeks of pregnancy dragging on, I've been there.  I don't see the discomfort of pregnancy quite the same anymore, though.  The one week that I had with my unhealthy, premature baby, and then the following week after his death as we planned his funeral--those weeks were longer and harder than any pregnancy I've endured.  (And yes, pregnancy is an endure thing, not really an enjoy thing.)  I'd rather endure a pregnancy than lose a child, though.

I spent months where I was so torn between wanting to hold babies, to feel that special, familiar feeling I had so little of with Gideon, and NOT wanting to hold them, to be reminded of that special, familiar feeling I had so little of with Gideon.

The very first time I held Gideon.

I love that feeling, newborn babies are such a miracle, and I can't help but marvel and wonder whenever I hold one in my arms.  It was very hard to be reminded of my son, of all I was missing.  It was so bizarre to have a desire and a dread for the same exact thing.  Thankfully, my niece was born in the fall, and was named Cate (some of Scott's family call me Kate).  My little namesake, who I believe spent time with my angel son before she made her own earthly debut, has been a healer for me.  She fixed my baby conundrum.  You know when you tell someone "Give so and so a hug from me."  That's what she feels like to me--it's as if Gideon told her "Give my mom hugs from me."  I have held her and stared into her eyes, and felt like she wanted me to know that he's OK, that he's not far away, and that good things are to come to my family.  Because of her, I am back to the point where holding babies isn't a dread, just a treat.

I have thought about all the prayers I have put into this pregnancy, and all the prayers that went into the last one.  Not just mine, I know.  So many people have invested in this pregnancy--through well wishes, prayers, bringing food, taking care of kids when I went to the doctor, asking how I'm doing and GENUINELY being excited when all is well...it's overwhelming and awesome to me how loved my family is.  I have felt very overwhelmed as the memories of my 28th week of pregnancy have swept over me several times.  I am grateful that things are going well this time, and am so glad to know so many people who are cheering us on and who have been praying for things to be well with us.  Thank you to our many cheerleaders!  At 28 weeks, she still looks great (saw her in an ultrasound Tuesday).  I wish it could have been this way with Gideon, and it makes me miss feeling his movements, seeing him onscreen in many ultrasounds, and seeing him in person.   I am so much more grateful for healthy, routine visits than I ever was before.  Boring and normal days are such a treasure when one has experienced the gloom of bad days, of bad news at the doctor's office.  The last trimester won't be fun, but I am trying really hard to be so grateful for the blessing of this discomfort, because of the treasure that will follow.

The best therapist

Over the last months, many people have looked at me incredulously and asked me "How do you handle this?  Do you have a really good therapist?  Can I get their number?"  Sometimes they are completely serious, other times, it feels like trying to joke and laugh about something serious, and it just gets a little awkward.  I often am not sure how to respond, or how to answer those questions.  There have been moments when I laughed, moments when I choked back tears, moments when I didn't choke back tears, just let them come, and there have been moments when I have calmly told people that I don't know.   Some people ask me how I can talk about Gideon and all that happened calmly.  I've told some people "the prayer and read your scriptures thing--it's working for me."  Sometimes it is still very hard to talk about, and sometimes the pain feels very overwhelming.  However, I am glad to be to a point where it has gotten easier to talk about, and I am able to be more matter of fact about it.  I am sure this is at least partly because I have a 4 year old who asks very candid and blunt questions, and I have practiced answering him openly and honestly, especially when he talks to me about his baby brother, who we don't still have with us on earth.

The questions have made me do some deep pondering, some examining of how and why I am able to handle this burden.  Truthfully, I do have a really good therapist.  I have the best therapist across multiple universes.  His name is God.  He doesn't have a phone number, but you can reach Him anywhere, anyplace, anytime through prayer.  And I have needed him often throughout my life, but especially since last July.  And I am growing to trust him immensely.

Here are a few of the scriptures and songs I think of often as I have journeyed through the last year.  I FEEL these, they have comforted me and helped me through the many times when I am feeling discouraged, disappointed, and overwhelmed.  The two that have been the most prominent in my healing journey are larger.  They've come into my mind and heart quite often, and lifted and encouraged me to have faith, even in the midst of things I don't understand, and may not for a long time.

Proverbs 3:5&6 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

Isaiah 55:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."

The story of Peter walking on the water, having the faith to go out into the unknown, becoming overwhelmed by the waves and storm, and then crying out to the Savior for help (found in Matthew 14.) 

Phillipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me."  (ALL TIME FAVORITE, even before the trial/blessing of Gideon.)

Mosiah 4:9 "Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend."

Mosiah 24:15  And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

D&C 4:7 "Ask and ye shall receive.  Knock and it shall be opened unto you.  Amen."

Not surprisingly, there have also been a few beautiful songs that have touched my heart and helped me to feel better, even though they pull on my heart strings and often bring tears to my eyes.

Be Still My Soul (LDS Hymnal, Hymn #124)  Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side.  With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain  Leave to thy God to order and provide.  In every change, he faithful will remain.  Be still my soul, thy best, thy heavenly friend, through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

(This was sung in a sacrament meeting when I was recovering in the hospital after Gideon was born, with many unknowns ahead of our family.  We knew he had a rough fight ahead, and that we may not have him with us for long, and we were very emotional.  I couldn't sing, I cried so hard, but the words fit our journey.  Our thorny ways will lead to a joyful end.)

A link, in case you've never heard the hymn before:
David Archuleta sings Be Still My Soul to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir

This one I heard within the last few weeks, and it is absolutely gorgeous and applicable.  I've been a fan of Hilary Weeks for a long time--she has family in Alaska, where I lived when her very first album came out.  I didn't expect this mountain to be in my way, but I look at life from this new point of view and I wouldn't trade it.

Hilary Weeks: Beautiful Heartbreak

Give Said the Little Stream still touches my heart--we sang it to Gideon when he was alive, I have a beautiful video of my children singing it to him on his last day with us.  I haven't shared it before, but I can now.  It's so dear to my heart, and doesn't feel like exposing an open wound anymore.

We also sing it almost every time we go visit his grave.  His little life still gives to me every day.

As I look at this list, it seems that the trend is "Trust in God".  Knowing he is there all the time, knows what I need, is way smarter than me, and that I am letting him be in charge seems to be where much of my comfort lies.  I don't know when I'll understand why this happened, but I do know that I WILL understand one day.  Scott has said (and I have felt the truth in his words) that one day, we will be shouting the praises of God from the rooftops over his wisdom in this experience. 

I have much to do to be the person I know God wants me to be.  I don't always know how I'll do it all, but I am trying hard, because I want to be with my Gideon again.  And that keeps me busy doing good things, which also helps my soul to heal.  Finding people to serve, learning to see the good and the growth that has come from what has happened, looking for opportunities to better myself and my family...that keeps me anxiously engaged in a good cause.

I talk to my "therapist" often, but not really as often as I could or should.  He's very available to me, at any hour, in any moment, in any situation.  I sometimes forget to enjoy the blessings that I could by spending more time talking with him.  I do, though, talk to Him often.  Sometimes it's a brief little "thankyou" for making it possible for me to be with Gideon again one day, sometimes it's a plea for extra strength.  Sometimes I apologize for my weaknesses and ask for the help to see my potential and reach it.  Sometimes I ask for ways I can be better, sometimes I plead for the strength to bear this burden well.  He makes it better, and I am grateful not to have to rely on my own strength or courage or wisdom through this loss.  I truly have the best therapist in (and out of) this world.

Do you love me?

Love.  These thoughts are reverberating in my brain, they just won't let go, and I am hoping that sharing them will help me to be better and to be more accountable for these ideas that I keep having.  I posted last fall about having to speak in stake conference (and explained about what it was, in the post "What I said").   I had the opportunity last weekend to hear an apostle (Dallin H. Oaks) speak at our spring stake conference.  There was so much talk of being motivated by love, and I had several recurring thoughts.  They keep popping up, even when I'm supposed to be asleep, so hopefully sharing them will help me move forward with action.

A few months ago, I was able to see a stage production of Fiddler on the Roof with my talented sister and her talented husband in the cast, so these songs were relatively fresh in my mind.  If you HAVEN'T seen Fiddler on the Roof and heard "Do you love me?" that the main character (Tevye, a Jewish man living in a time and place when it was beginning to be dangerous to be Jewish, and father to several girls who are coming of age to get married) sings to his wife, it's beautiful.   I am going to spoil it for you right here, so if you want to see it first, here's a link.  Do You Love Me? with subtitles He asks her "Do you love me?" and she is taken aback.  She immediately responds first with "Do I what?!".  Then she tries to think of reasons why he would be crazy enough to ask that question--are you tired, do you have indigestion, do you need to lie down?  He continues to ask, to require her to think about it, and she thinks about all she's done, all the motions she's gone through over the years and decides that yes indeed she does.

There was a lot of emphasis placed on the scriptures when the resurrected Savior asks Peter "Peter, lovest thou me?"  It's in John 21, I had to check to find it again, because I wanted to read it and dwell more on it.  I thought this isn't too different than "Do you love me?"  Peter was also taken aback, but had the presence of mind not to ask "Do I what?", and was able to say (paraphrasing) "Yes, you know that I love you."  (Peter probably wondered why it was that the Savior would ask him such a question, much like Golde did in Fiddler on the Roof.  And much like Golde, he expected the Savior to already know of his feelings.)  And the Savior's simple response and reminder was "Feed my lambs".

But then, the Savior (like Tevye) asks again "Do you love me?"  And Peter, who has already given what he feels like is a very definite answer, is probably really confused as to why Jesus is asking him this again.  Perhaps...maybe Jesus didn't hear him clearly the first time.  Peter responds with the EXACT same wording as he had the first time.  "Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee."  And the Savior says "Feed my sheep."

I find it truly interesting that this is in the final chapter of the gospels, in the epic finale to the gospels.  And what is the Savior telling Peter?  Don't assume I know you love me by you talking about it, or trying to follow me around.  Do something about it.  Show kindness to others, love others, feed them, serve them, help them.  Knowing about loving the Savior isn't enough.  "Inasmuch as ye have done it to the least of one of these my brethren, ye have done it unto Me."  We actually have to show love to the Savior by showing love to others.  Part of Golde's explanation to Tevye about how she's shown she loves him is when she sings a list of all the ways she has served him over the years.  Jesus is expecting the same from us--if we love him, feed his sheep.  He ALSO says "If ye love me, keep my commandments." (in John 14:15).  If Peter had been able to spontaneously burst into song like characters do in musicals, he might have been able to sing "For these last years, I've followed you, walked with you, done as you do." 

But just walking, and talking like the Savior isn't enough.  It's a great start, to go through the motions.  (It's where Golde started too--doing what a wife was expected to do, serving and cleaning and caring for a husband she had just met.  She GREW to love him.)  We grow to love the Savior as we go through the motions of serving him and keeping his commandments.  We grow to love others as we serve them and work for their good.

We have to love God enough to trust Him, we have to love Him enough to keep His commandments, AND we also have to love God enough to take care of and watch out for each other.  I think that, for me, I need to spend more time reexamining the question as if the Savior approached me and asked "Do you love Me?".  I've been thinking of the response--the musical reply "Do I love you?"   How would the song continue, if I was singing this duet with my Savior?  "Well, I...I really do love you, I hope you believe me, but I can't think of anything I've done to help or serve anyone or to show you that I'm trying to follow you."  Or will I be able to (like Golde) have at least a small list of ways I'm demonstrating my love each day.  Could I sing the same words I penned for Peter?  "For 34 years I've followed you, walked with you, done as you do."  I WANT to love him better and more.  I feel comfort from Him, I take solace in His plan and His mercy.  Truly though, in order for me to be showing my love for him, I need to be sharing that love more with others.  That's the ultimate show of love for Christ, to feed his lambs and his sheep. 

I also love that he put lambs first--as a Mom, I more often "feed lambs" than I "feed sheep", and I appreciate that taking care of and teaching my children (and other children) is an important way I can show love to my Savior.

Peter is questioned a third time.  It says he was grieved because the Lord asked him a third time.  I would be too.  If Jesus asked me "Do you love me?" and I said "Yes." and then He asked me again and again, I'd wonder if I was not doing enough to show him my love for Him.  Jesus knows everything--Peter saw that too, and it concerned him very much, and probably really made him examine his behaviors, made him question if he was following and loving the Savior as well as he could or should.  I'd feel like I must be not a very good disciple if there was that much need for Him to ask me over and over.  I am betting that the Savior, who knew he was leaving Peter in charge of the church and the apostles, really hoped this message would sink in deeply.  Love is not just lip service--it's SERVICE. 

Each day, I try to make sure my children know I love them.  Especially since the loss of Gideon, I feel that the NUMBER ONE thing my kids need to take with them each day is a powerful feeling that they are loved.  I don't know how much time I will have with any of them, and time and love are precious treasures.  Some days, I even openly ask them "Do you know that I love you?"  The days when I know I can do better are the days when they say things like "Yes, but..." followed by something I did that hurt their feelings or a way they felt like I didn't listen to them.  For example (and I am guilty of these things) "Yes, but I don't like it when you yell at me."  Or "Yes, but you told me you'd read to me and then you didn't."  Everyone deserves to feel loved.  We're all God's children, and we are responsible for helping each other know that God loves us, by acting on promptings He gives us to help and serve and love his sheep.  (And I am guilty of sometimes not acting on promptings too, which I'm hoping to do better about.)

I truly love Peter.  I just feel like I can relate to him, because despite all his amazing character traits, he still has those very human moments.  He wants to show the Savior how much he loves Him.  He wants to be all in, but doesn't always understand how to be.  He had great faith, which still wavered when he became overwhelmed by life's storms and dangerous situations.  He was such a good man, and yet he still slipped up occasionally.  I hope, like Peter, that I can learn and grow in faith, that I can be trusted to feed the sheep of God.  I have a long way to go to even becoming like Peter, let alone like the Savior, but I am trying to be on the right road and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  And I really do hope to sing that duet with Jesus one day (if he can sing)...I think it would be a pretty epic moment.  "Do you love me?"  "Do I love you?" 

Don't cry because it's over

The last few weeks have been very emotional for me.

We chose Gideon's grave marker, finally.  I will post a picture in a few weeks once it's finally done and set and in the ground.  It took us a while to make it happen, mostly just because we hadn't set aside the time to go down to the cemetery to meet with the people who run things, and make a decision.  It was hard to be there.  It's obvious that I won't see him again for a while, but how do you sum up a life on a grave marker?  How does anyone sum up a life on a grave marker, it's got a beginning date, and and ending date and a dash.  Everything happens in that dash of life, for all of us.  For him, it really was a short little dash...

Memorial Day is a new and different experience when someone close to you has passed, and there is so much focus on remembering.  I remember anyway, and I can't explain why there is a heavier weight around Memorial Day, or around holidays.  I think somewhat they are a family time, and so I'm keenly aware of his absence.  The cemetery is a peaceful place, but it makes my heart ache to hold my little guy again whenever I am there.  He's so close, but so far away when I am standing on the ground above where he is buried.

My 12 year old is graduating from elementary school.  He was blessed with the same teacher two years in a row, and she was also able to teach my 9 year old this year, and she has been a sweet support to our family both these last two years.  I was pregnant at the end of last school year, and lost our baby over the summer. I am pregnant again this year--it feels a little bit surreal.  She was ready, and helped the other teachers to be ready to understand if my boys got emotional at school, and to encourage them to be their best self, despite the hurdle they had to overcome 11 days before their school year started.  My kids have all had amazing teachers, both in church and at school, and I feel like they have been an answer to prayers.  Our family has really needed and been very strengthened by the support we have had from so many wonderful people, but especially the teachers in our lives.  Sunday School teachers, Priesthood and Relief Society teachers, Primary teachers, and school teachers.  I feel a little sad to see the school year ending.  I don't like endings, even though deep down, I know every ending is just a new beginning.

At the "graduation" assembly yesterday, Ethan's teacher quoted this saying, which I've heard before, but it really touched my heart.  "Don't cry because it's over.  Smile because it happened."  Me--I'll probably do a lot of both, especially being pregnant.  I am proud of my children and have enjoyed seeing the progress they make.  They are growing in personality and ability, becoming better at reading, writing, math, problem solving, and I love being their mother and watching them grow.  This comes with the weight of what I will miss with Gideon, and those special moments are tinged with a hint of sadness because I wish he was still here and "in line" to have his turn with those moments too.  He'd be 9 months old on Memorial Day.

The Chase family "baby birthdays" have begun.  Gideon was one of several cousins born last summer.  A few had their birthdays this spring.  More birthdays will come.  I'm happy to see my nieces and nephews growing, and in many ways, being around these tiny people is therapeutic to my soul.  Still, I sure wish mine was here to celebrate his birthday in a few months too.

Some of the emotions of late aren't sad--in fact I have also been super excited and happy.  I feel like the baby I am currently expecting is a baby that so many people already love and are excited for--I think there are literally hundreds of people who have expressed excitement and joy with us as they can see my growing belly, and as they ask if things are well with us, I can tell they truly are hopeful that this baby will be happy and healthy.  It's a little sad that many mothers don't get to experience people being super excited with them if or when they are pregnant with their 6th child--it's often met with a snarky comment.  I am blessed that so many people are rejoicing with us that we are expecting another baby, who looks really healthy in her ultrasounds.  I have felt so much joy emanating from so many friends and family members who care about us and our family, and I am grateful.

And then there's the rain again.  I posted about rain last fall.  In April, we began praying for rain, as we had very little precipitation all winter long, and live in a desert.  We have to have had 5 inches of rain in the last 3 weeks. (Really, my son made a rain gauge in cub scouts, and we've measured at least 5 inches of rain.)  It's been such a rainy May.  It is much like our rainy stint last summer during the week where Gideon and I were in the hospital, and the few weeks after.  There are a lot of memories of running out of the hospital parking lot in a downpour, of driving there in Scott's little car (with no working A/C) and being grateful for the cooler rainy weather, of feeling like God watered our garden for us when I was too busy with caring for myself and my baby and my other children to worry about the garden.  As I was driving home in the rain one day, I remembered a lesson someone taught me years ago about trying to run away from God's blessings.  She compared it to running around in a rain storm and trying not to get wet.  It just doesn't work.  He rains blessings down on us, even if we think we don't deserve them, and we try to run for cover, we still end up soaked with his blessings.  And I feel like I've totally been rained on.

I am excited, and a little nervous to see what this summer will bring.  The last school year has been the hardest one of my life, but I have seen beautiful growth in my family, which is reason to both to cry and smile.


  

Daily habits: brushing teeth and scripture study

I have this bizarre gift to find parables in every day life, to be struck by spiritual lessons in the most ordinary of circumstances, especially as a mother.  Sometimes an every day, run of the mill moment (like arguing with my child about whether they like dinner), inspires a dawning realization, a lesson that I learn from and take with me for years.  I truly do feel it is a gift, albeit a strange one.  Some time I'll have to write down my epiphanies on boogers, dehydration, and playdoh.

A few years ago, I was in a slump on scripture reading, and recommitted to daily study again.  I came to the end of the day, as I was preparing for bed, and realized I hadn't read yet.  I decided to multi-task (I LOVE finding ways to combine tasks) and read my scriptures as I was brushing my teeth.  I have NO idea what I read that night, but after reading a very short time, my spirit had an "a-ha moment".   In that profound moment, I realized how alike brushing my teeth every day and reading my scriptures every day actually are.

Let it be truthfully declared that I am not as diligent at daily prayer and scripture study as I should be, even after Gideon's passing, although it has provided me with additional motivation to be my very best self, as he's an angel in heaven, and I have a long way to go to be that celestial.  I want to be better, and grow to be the person God sees when he looks at me.  I don't exactly know who that is, but I glimpse her here and there in my deeper spiritual moments.  Like most people, my daily habits are sometimes very diligent, and sometimes not so much (envision a person trying to learn to drive a vehicle with a stick shift--there's a lot of lurching forward and stalling.)

You know how on a day when you've eaten a lot of candy, your teeth start to feel pretty grimy by the end of the day?  It feels really good to brush that all off and start over clean, to get the gunk off and feel my real mouth again.  Only if I am really sick do I ever say to myself "I am just too tired to brush my teeth tonight."  And even if I am sick, I don't ever miss 2 full days in a row, it is disturbing to even think about.

Daily prayer and scripture study do that for my soul each day.  I am more mindful of it in the last few months than I was even before, as I need that daily dose of perspective to keep me going, to help me have the faith that I will have answers and be with Gideon one day, that God does indeed hear and answer my prayers.  When I go a day without reading my scriptures, it's like the gunk has built up--all the heaviness and confusion of a busy life in a mixed up world just sticks, and I don't feel like me.  When I study my scriptures and pray, I am able to start fresh, feel my real self again.  I am happier, I am able to shed off the grumpy, less patient me, and become closer to the person I know I can be.  Only it's way too easy for me to tell myself "I am just too tired to read my scriptures tonight." and then sometimes to miss a few days in a row.  I know I need to do better, that it should be just as appalling to me to skip my scripture reading as to skip brushing my teeth: one is a physical need, the other is a spiritual need, truly a need, not just a nicety.

The analogy can go further--go too long without brushing and teeth begin to decay, cavities form.  Go too long without reading scriptures, and faith (and my kindness and patience) begins to dwindle.  Still a problem that can be solved, but it takes more effort to have a cavity filled or regain knowledge and/or a testimony and to get back into the habit of not losing a temper.  Having cavities filled or teeth crowned comes at a high cost.  So does losing a testimony.  Preventative maintenance does require daily effort, but it's worth it.  (Plus fresh breath and a happy attitude are much nicer to be around for those who have to be near me.)

I have a few favorite places to read in my scriptures: In the Book of Mormon, I love Ether 12, Moroni 7, 2 Nephi chapter 4, and 3 Nephi chapters 11-17.  I love and enjoy much of Proverbs (especially chapter 3), and Psalms a lot.  I also love Phillipians 4 and Ephesians 4, 5, and 6, but I have been loving reading in James lately.  I love how he talks about DOING and not just believing. about how powerful the tongue can be, about being submissive to the Lord.  When I haven't known what to read lately, that's where I go.  Sometimes, I study out a topic (like controlling one's temper or being happy or finding faith), but when I don't, I just go to my old favorites and they give me that daily fresh start.  I love finding the perspective I need to prevent spiritual cavities, and to help remind myself how to become that person I hope to be one day.

Newness of life

I often think about things I wish Gideon was able to experience with me or with our family.  I wish he could be seeing all the flowers bloom, and crawling around on the grass for the first time.  I wish I could have handed him an Easter egg this year, and that I could be watching him try different foods for the first time.  I have begun to look at the world with different eyes as a result.  

I truly have a strong hope in the resurrection, that he will get the chance to live and experience life as I have.  I catch myself enjoying snowflakes, bubbles, the feel of water on my skin, the taste of my favorite foods, and the smell of rain more often as I think forward to things I want to share with Gideon.  I find that the hope and faith has given me a sense of newness of life (like is mentioned in Romans 6:4).  There is glory and beauty to be found here on earth, and I am happy to be able to enjoy it.  I have found relief from the pain of all I am missing through taking more moments to enjoy the things I truly treasure, and putting them on a mental list of things I hope to share one day with him.

I do miss him, and I still do not understand why his life was so short, why he had to miss out on so many things.  He only ever saw the hospital--

he missed out on much of the world.  I went to the cemetery today and put flowers on his grave, and found myself reacquainted with that feeling that part of my heart is buried there.  I left holding back tears, and marveling at how strong that grief can still feel.  I don't know if that feeling will ever go away, and do you know what?  I am OK if it doesn't.  I love and miss my little boy, and I don't think I will stop loving or missing him, so that feeling will probably just be there for the rest of my life.  I don't think I'll ever stop wondering how he would have reacted to his first snowstorm, to his first taste of bananas, to ice cream, to playing in the rain until I have been able to see it.  

In the meantime, I am trying to find an appreciation for all the amazing experiences I am being blessed with: family, friendships, hugs, good food, learning, the colors and landscapes to be seen in the world, the way I feel when music touches my heart--I am glad that I will be able to share them one day with Gideon, but I am also glad to be able to share them now with my loved ones.

I was thinking today--if this was my first day of life, what would I cherish most?  Seeing in color?  Eating?  Good music and time with my family?  I don't think I could rank my favorite things, but it was a good thought to have on a day when I was going to visit Gideon's grave.  Cemeteries are such sad places in some ways--so many reminders of what was, or what could be, of loved ones who are no longer with us.  Today, though, besides the sad, my thoughts helped me be grateful for life, and for those things which I treasure most.  Despite the grief that walks with me, there is also much more "walking in newness of life" as my testimony of the resurrection has grown stronger and my hope in it burns brighter.  I am grateful for the Savior, and that through him, this grief does not have to drown me, and that my hope in the resurrection allows me to appreciate the treasures and beauties all around me.

I have shared my feelings surrounding the story of when the Savior calmed the tempest.  There was another time when Jesus was on Galilee in somewhat stormy weather, walking on the water, and Peter wanted to experience it too.  Peter was actually making it happen--walking on the water, when the big waves distracted him and he became afraid and began to drown.  He called out to the Savior to help him, and instead of calming the waves (which He could have), he took Peter by the hand and helped him have confidence in his faith, to continue walking along despite the storm raging around him.  I am no Peter--I don't have that kind of faith.  I do, however, feel that sometimes, the Savior takes me by the hand even in the middle of my grief, and helps me to redirect my faith back to him, so that I can keep walking despite the high waves, which truly is a miracle.  As that overwhelming grief surrounded me at Gideon's grave site, I wondered a little about how I have been able to live life for the last months, but then I also remembered how much I am looking forward to sharing things with him when he's resurrected.  The Savior makes that possible, and as I experience those overwhelmed, terrifying moments, I can reach out to him, and he helps me keep walking, even as the storm rages on.