We chose Gideon's grave marker, finally. I will post a picture in a few weeks once it's finally done and set and in the ground. It took us a while to make it happen, mostly just because we hadn't set aside the time to go down to the cemetery to meet with the people who run things, and make a decision. It was hard to be there. It's obvious that I won't see him again for a while, but how do you sum up a life on a grave marker? How does anyone sum up a life on a grave marker, it's got a beginning date, and and ending date and a dash. Everything happens in that dash of life, for all of us. For him, it really was a short little dash...
Memorial Day is a new and different experience when someone close to you has passed, and there is so much focus on remembering. I remember anyway, and I can't explain why there is a heavier weight around Memorial Day, or around holidays. I think somewhat they are a family time, and so I'm keenly aware of his absence. The cemetery is a peaceful place, but it makes my heart ache to hold my little guy again whenever I am there. He's so close, but so far away when I am standing on the ground above where he is buried.
My 12 year old is graduating from elementary school. He was blessed with the same teacher two years in a row, and she was also able to teach my 9 year old this year, and she has been a sweet support to our family both these last two years. I was pregnant at the end of last school year, and lost our baby over the summer. I am pregnant again this year--it feels a little bit surreal. She was ready, and helped the other teachers to be ready to understand if my boys got emotional at school, and to encourage them to be their best self, despite the hurdle they had to overcome 11 days before their school year started. My kids have all had amazing teachers, both in church and at school, and I feel like they have been an answer to prayers. Our family has really needed and been very strengthened by the support we have had from so many wonderful people, but especially the teachers in our lives. Sunday School teachers, Priesthood and Relief Society teachers, Primary teachers, and school teachers. I feel a little sad to see the school year ending. I don't like endings, even though deep down, I know every ending is just a new beginning.
At the "graduation" assembly yesterday, Ethan's teacher quoted this saying, which I've heard before, but it really touched my heart. "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Me--I'll probably do a lot of both, especially being pregnant. I am proud of my children and have enjoyed seeing the progress they make. They are growing in personality and ability, becoming better at reading, writing, math, problem solving, and I love being their mother and watching them grow. This comes with the weight of what I will miss with Gideon, and those special moments are tinged with a hint of sadness because I wish he was still here and "in line" to have his turn with those moments too. He'd be 9 months old on Memorial Day.
The Chase family "baby birthdays" have begun. Gideon was one of several cousins born last summer. A few had their birthdays this spring. More birthdays will come. I'm happy to see my nieces and nephews growing, and in many ways, being around these tiny people is therapeutic to my soul. Still, I sure wish mine was here to celebrate his birthday in a few months too.
Some of the emotions of late aren't sad--in fact I have also been super excited and happy. I feel like the baby I am currently expecting is a baby that so many people already love and are excited for--I think there are literally hundreds of people who have expressed excitement and joy with us as they can see my growing belly, and as they ask if things are well with us, I can tell they truly are hopeful that this baby will be happy and healthy. It's a little sad that many mothers don't get to experience people being super excited with them if or when they are pregnant with their 6th child--it's often met with a snarky comment. I am blessed that so many people are rejoicing with us that we are expecting another baby, who looks really healthy in her ultrasounds. I have felt so much joy emanating from so many friends and family members who care about us and our family, and I am grateful.
And then there's the rain again. I posted about rain last fall. In April, we began praying for rain, as we had very little precipitation all winter long, and live in a desert. We have to have had 5 inches of rain in the last 3 weeks. (Really, my son made a rain gauge in cub scouts, and we've measured at least 5 inches of rain.) It's been such a rainy May. It is much like our rainy stint last summer during the week where Gideon and I were in the hospital, and the few weeks after. There are a lot of memories of running out of the hospital parking lot in a downpour, of driving there in Scott's little car (with no working A/C) and being grateful for the cooler rainy weather, of feeling like God watered our garden for us when I was too busy with caring for myself and my baby and my other children to worry about the garden. As I was driving home in the rain one day, I remembered a lesson someone taught me years ago about trying to run away from God's blessings. She compared it to running around in a rain storm and trying not to get wet. It just doesn't work. He rains blessings down on us, even if we think we don't deserve them, and we try to run for cover, we still end up soaked with his blessings. And I feel like I've totally been rained on.
I am excited, and a little nervous to see what this summer will bring. The last school year has been the hardest one of my life, but I have seen beautiful growth in my family, which is reason to both to cry and smile.
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