Holiday Season 2019

This paragraph was written in November 2019: As we’ve approached the holiday season, I have thought so much about my little son who’d be 5 this year. What if I was given the gift of an hour with his 5 year old self? I’d hug him and look him in the eye and tell him that I love him. I’d hold him on my lap (if he wanted) or just sit right by him and read some of our favorite children’s stories—whichever ones he chose, and I’d sing him a few of my favorite songs. I’d use my phone to take pictures of the special moments, but not to text or Facebook with other people, not in that precious hour. And I know an hour wouldn’t be enough, but it would be such a blessing. Even now, I’m still learning from the loss of my son. It dawned on me, I need to treasure the “gift of an hour” I have with my husband and my kids that are still here. Things still have to get done, but my goal this week of Thanksgiving is to use the “gift of an hour” with each of my kids and my spouse, because I forget way too often to treasure the time I have with them, and to give them time that really makes life rich and full of love and connection. Tonight I held the baby longer than usual and tried to keep my perspective in place as I paced with her. I’m tired, I’m overwhelmed (like most moms with young babies) but I’m grateful that she’s here, and that I get this time to snuggle her and watch her grow. As you consider things to be grateful for, don’t forget to be grateful for (and to use wisely) the gift of each hour you get to spend with people you love. 

One thing that has been fun with having teenagers, toddlers, and an infant is that the kids are all excited for Christmas for each other, not just for themselves.  The kids tag teamed to buy each other gifts, and they were excited to discuss and plan what they'd get for each other.  I think having some younger kids who still feel the "magic" makes the older kids more respectful of who the "magic makers" are, and the older 2 boys even helped me to put out the Christmas presents on Christmas Eve.  While the house and the routine fall by the wayside over Christmas break, it felt like our stress and our short tempers also took a break.  The bigger kids played with the little kids, we watched a few movies ALL together (which is so rare anymore) and I loved the extra relax time. 

My kids hate taking pictures, but I am grateful to finally have one that has all 6 of our living children in it.  I do so wish that I had pictures with all 7 children, though. 

One thing that has been fun with having teenagers, toddlers, and an infant is that the kids are all excited for Christmas for each other, not just for themselves.  The kids tag teamed to buy each other gifts, and they were excited to discuss and plan what they'd get for each other.  I think having some younger kids who still feel the "magic" makes the older kids more respectful of who the "magic makers" are, and they wanted to be a part of that.  The older 2 boys even helped me to put out the Christmas presents on Christmas Eve.  While the house and the routine fall by the wayside over Christmas break, it felt like our stress and our short tempers also took a break.  The bigger kids played with the little kids, we watched a few movies ALL together (which is so rare anymore), and we worked on a few projects together.  I loved the extra relax time.  Miriam loves to match with her big sister, but she now has the ability to match outfits with the baby sister, and she was so excited to get some matching pajamas with the baby.

Uncleaned pans of bacon grease left an opportunity for a fun message for mom to find later. 

 Alydia loves to create.  She REALLY wanted a quilt making kit, but it was cheaper to buy the pieces of fabric.  I ended up deciding that the deal was so great, we'd get everyone fleece for Christmas and work on making blankets together.  Here is Alydia's finished blanket, (Miriam's is in progress on the floor), we worked on it while watching a movie together (Grandma Wight gave us The Fighting Preacher, which we all enjoyed.)       

 Over break, we went to the Leonardo museum.  They actually worked together on building this block "jail", and I'm a sucker for any time the bigs and the littles work together on anything, so it made me really happy.

Toddlers and teenagers post 1 of many

Ok, I have seriously debated about changing the name of this blog to "toddlers and teenagers".  But that name could only be temporary, because a few years from now, there will not be any more toddlers.  And a few years beyond that, there won't even be any more teenagers.  And my heart is already afraid of the emptiness those days might bring (although the peace and quiet doesn't sound all bad).  I am getting to be such a sentimental mommy, holding a young baby as I watch my 16 year old walk in the door after high school sometimes makes me tear up as it vividly reminds me how fast the time has flown by, how quickly they're all growing, and I just wish I could get it to slow down a little.

This is a post I shared on Facebook a few weeks back, as I'm trying to balance it all, and continue to focus on blessings, not burdens.

  "One of the great struggles in any life, but I’m especially feeling it with a large family that includes teenagers & an infant, is balancing my time. Today I went to my son’s jr. high to try and get his schedule changed. A few classes he currently has got switched and we hoped he could switch back to keep his schedule more like what he has, except there’s a kid in a few classes currently who has become a pest especially to this son of mine. Those we hoped to switch so he wouldn’t have so many together (currently they share 4/8 classes.) We discussed things, we tried juggling changes, and we just couldn’t figure a way to shift things perfectly, so we agreed to leave his schedule “as is”. As I was leaving with my 2 little girls, the secretary apologized that it had taken my time and no changes were made. But I’ve thought about it since she said that, and I don’t think it was wasted time. My son and a counselor and I discussed options, explored possible solutions, and weighed outcomes and then left his schedule alone. He knows I care, he knows his counselors care, he knows that sometimes we can’t get everything we want in our schedule (if that’s not real life, what is?!) and he made some hard decisions. And he hadn’t told me about this problem boy until we discussed changing his schedule two days ago. It was time well spent. That has me wondering to myself: How often do I think that I wasted time, when it really was well spent? Time reading with kids, time helping them organize, time snuggling, time enjoying a movie with my husband...I beat myself up about “wasted” time way too often and I need to change how I see things. This is just one more “blessings, not burdens” shifts of mind I need to make."

Having toddlers and teenagers can make it feel ridiculous to balance life, fun, and family time.  Sort of like many of the meals around here, it's hard to find things that everybody loves.  Sometimes what might be fun or exciting for a few is not fun or exciting for all, and that's OK too.  There are all kinds of different needs and interests to try and encourage and balance.  But I do love the moments when we find things we ALL love.  Everyone enjoys watching the baby laugh.  We all enjoy nature, so many trips to national parks and national monuments and beautiful places are on the horizon.  We all enjoy laughing, so we can pull up family friendly comedy and everybody has a good time together.  And we all enjoy science, so my older kids still look forward to visiting places like the Natural History Museum of Utah, which is where we went 2 weeks ago on a Wednesday evening.  I am so happy that my bigger kids still look forward to going places with everyone in our family (not every place, mind you, but I'll take any enthusiasm from the teenage crowd and be grateful for it.)  I feel blessed by my family, they challenge me regularly, but I have learned so much about humanity, about triumph, about love and life from them, and I continue to learn on this crazy journey.

Overwhelmed, but it's not about me.

A few of you who know me well know that Philippians 4:13 is my favorite scripture. “I can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me.” While it’s still my favorite and I have firm faith in its truth, that doesn’t ever stop me from being human. I feel overwhelmed. I feel unsure of myself. I feel like I don’t know what to do or how to do it. And I’ve felt particularly overwhelmed lately. I'm trying to find time to help my teenagers with their homework, to make sure my oldest child is getting in his driving hours before he gets his license, trying to teach piano, trying to teach my 4 year old to read, nursing a baby, making home cooked meals.  I want each member of my family to know they are loved, and sadly, often my husband comes last.  We're trying to do better about reading scriptures together, there's just so so so much to do, so much to think about, so many lives to balance. The house has been a disaster since before Christmas.  Not an EPIC disaster, but there's a little clutter here, there, and everywhere.  In trying to squeeze in all these important things, the house has just not taken a high enough priority to declutter and organize it all.  And organization is not a gift of mine, so it really does take some high effort for me to make it happen.

One of the beautiful things about this scripture is that it’s not about me—it’s about Christ. I don’t have to do it all, I don’t have to know everything, because He’s helping and that’s what counts. I am still feeling very overwhelmed and unsure, but I also feel grateful for so many blessings.  While Christ can't really help me with cleaning the house, (well, He could, but He's pretty busy with other things), knowing that He is busy with other things reminds me that it's OK that I'm sometimes pretty busy with other things too.  

And sometimes, my overwhelmed isn't an overwhelmed that's an overload of struggle, sometimes it's a heart so full it feels like it'll burst.  I watch my teenagers snuggle my baby, as I watch my 4 year old sing to her when she starts to cry, as I watch my 11 year old try so hard to get her to laugh and the whole group gathers around.  My sweet husband and I have been married almost 19 years, and he still makes me smile every day, and he does kind, thoughtful things that make me feel so treasured.  My children are all growing and developing into talented, smart individuals.  They're pretty kind to others, now I just need to get them to be kind to each other...

So I know Christ is giving me strength and perspective through all this craziness, and I'm doing my best to enjoy the ride.  

Burdens and blessings and balance

For the last few days, I've pondered what I could do and change in my life as we roll into a new year and a new decade.  One thing that I definitely think I'm learning, but need to continue developing is the way I view many of the critical components of my life.

Having a big family is not without its share of responsibilities.  It's often overwhelming and frequently frustrating, but there are also many moments where it's excessively exciting and fabulous fun.  These moments all can even happen at once, as children are figuring out the world, want to be independent, they can say and do the darndest things.  For example: during holiday baking, I decided to let my younger kids help me, I even let them crack the eggs...and there were some messy failures and they were worried I'd be angry, but I told them I knew what I was getting into when I let them take a chance at learning, and we talked about how they could've done it differently and we cleaned it up.  It was fun and exciting and overwhelming and frustrating all at one time, but it was part of our learning journey.

I was wondering about ways to lighten my burdens, and I had an epiphany.  Many of the things that I view as burdens are simultaneously blessings in my life too.  My family.  Paying bills.  A job.  Responsibilities I have in my church calling.  Home responsibilities.  Every single one of these things feels like a big burden, but each one of these things is also an immense blessing if I choose to look at it that way. 

When I was pregnant with Gideon, I kind of thought he'd be my last baby.  However I had a massive change in my heart when I learned that we were most likely going to lose him.  For that one week, I treasured the time, not just with him but with all my children and my husband.  Every minute I got to spend, each song I got to sing to him, each laugh I shared, the few snuggles I got to give, they were (and still are) a pearl of great price to me.  My attitude about my kids shifted from focusing on them as an overwhelming burden to an overwhelming blessing.  That is partly why, since Gideon passed away, we have had 2 more.  I honestly don't know that we would have chosen to do so minus that metamorphosis.  The change doesn't so much lie in how much time and effort it takes to raise them well, but in my viewing that time spent as a privilege rather than just a price to pay.

And this week, I've realized that I can re-balance my attitude about more things than just my children.  My responsibilities in other areas of life can also be given a sense of wonder and gratitude and I can learn to value them as blessings, rather than burdens.  I'm grateful to have a small part time job.  I'm grateful for my husband's job, even when it's somewhat demanding.  I'm grateful for this home.  I'm grateful for enough clothing that I have to do so much laundry.  I can even be grateful for the aches and pains I experience, because I've experienced healthy moments and will experience healthy moments again.  Blessings, not burdens.  That's the change I want to make in my life going forward.