Yes, I still miss him, especially today

So many things in life are cyclical.  The water cycle, the cycle of each year, the patterns of each day.  And because of those cycles, grief still occasionally slams into me and catches me off guard when I don't expect it.  I think grief is like that for many people, especially as certain holidays and traditions cycle around and the memories tied to those traditions are incredibly powerful, and sometimes so is the sadness from realizing that those memories are a thing of the past, not the present; there are no new ones to be created in this life.

Today would have been Gideon's first primary program.  For those of you who aren't familiar with what that means, in congregations of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (aka Mormons) each year the primary children (aged 3-11) prepare songs, scriptures, and short messages to share with the entire congregation in a special meeting.  They spend months preparing for it, learning songs and parts and today they sang, shared their parts, and brought such a beautiful spirit of humanity, life, and faith, and I loved it.  Today, as I heard the children singing "Families Can Be Together Forever", it hit me: the memories of singing that song just days after his death and the pain that I was feeling, the realization that Gideon would have been up there today doing his best to sing the songs and share his part, and the truth of the words "families can be together forever" and a gratitude that he's mine forever, but feeling that loss today and wishing he were here already.

It does get easier, I don't miss him as painfully now all the time as I used to.  Grief is something I have learned to live with and grown accustomed to.  I still think of him every day, but often the thoughts aren't as consuming and heavy as they used to be. 

Today was my reminder that as the cycle of the big holiday season approaches, it's a time of memories, and so it's a time where life can be painful for those who have reasons to miss someone.  It's a good reminder to me to be sensitive to other people, and also a reminder to treasure the chance I have to make memories with the loved ones I have here and now.  Since the beginning of this journey, I have been determined not to let the grief I feel over Gideon's death keep me from living a beautiful life full of other amazing memories with my loved ones and the children I do have here with me.  What an opportunity life gives me EVERY DAY to get to know and love others more deeply and to share time with them.  

Today, I really still missed Gideon, but I'm grateful that his short life continues to help me learn to appreciate my life more, and that I'm able to live mine more fully because of all I still am learning from missing my little boy.  As long as the grief continues, my learning and growing journey continues.