Time: a gift

Last week, for no reason I can explain (though I have theories), was very emotional for me.  I have missed my Gideon, I have wondered about who he would be right now, I have longed for the moments I could have been having with him over the last 15 months.  I am longing for the precious gift of time with my little boy.

I have done a lot of thinking about this precious gift, the gift of time.  I realize that I have not understood or appreciated its value nearly so much as I do now.  In some ways, my newfound appreciation for time has been bad for me because I am SUPER irritated when I notice that I am wasting time, or when others waste my time, or when my children are wasting time, because it seems like throwing away a treasure of immeasurable worth.  However, it has also made me more laid back, happy, and forgiving than I used to be.  My time with people here on earth is limited--I don't know HOW limited, but it will end.  I don't want to spend years holding a grudge when I could let it go and be making memories and enjoying happiness with someone.  When my time is up, I hope not to look back and wish I had spent so much of it differently.  So I am more inclined to take extra moments to hug my children, to breathe deeply and check to see if I'm using my "yelling voice" or my "explaining voice" when I talk to them.  I have sought for more opportunities to make memories with my family, and to do better things with the time I've been given.  I treasure the time I have with them, the chance I have to get to know who they are, to help build relationships with them.

Time is a gift that I took for granted for a long time.  It is something I never gave full credit to.  I am somewhat disappointed as I look back at moments that I could and should have chosen to use differently.  Sometimes it is a rather painful awareness, seeing the many moments I didn't treasure.  I try not to waste too much time looking back, as it's impossible to change what has already been done, but there is no harm in learning from the past and trying to make the most out of the present and future.  I am trying to give this precious gift its due respect and attention.

I also treasure time spent with my other loved ones.  Don't get me wrong though, and misjudge me as a flowery lovey dovey soul.  Every day does not come filled with chocolate, bunnies, and roses; there are still days when my children are sick, my husband and I get frustrated with each other, or people irritate me.  I have discovered a new ability to appreciate the bad and frustrating moments, though, right along with the good ones.  These moments are helping me grow, helping me get to know my family members, giving me the chance to serve, that I might not have otherwise had.

I don't think I will ever look back on the one week I had with my infant son and feel like it was enough time.  I am sometimes haunted by the moments I didn't spend with him.  I wish I had held him longer, gone to the NICU in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep, but I didn't.  I can't go back...just forward.  Time ticked and passed whether I was using it to build relationships and memories, to grow and learn, to serve or help, or whether I used it on frivolous pursuits.  (I wince as I think of watching TV during that week of Gideon's life...what a waste.)

Good relationships are a treasure beyond compare; they lend strength, color, depth, and happiness to life. Healthy relationships (the kind that inspire each person to reach for their potential) should be nurtured, guarded, valued, and appreciated.  They don't grow without an investment of time.  Being present in the moment, making memories together, serving one another, creating together...I wish I had realized sooner how much of a gift all of these things are.

I think, when someone we love dies, what hurts the most is that longing for more time with them.  I don't think it matters whether they are 2 days, 2 years, 2 decades or 102 years old.  We hope they know how much we loved them, and often wish for the chance to tell them plainly about our feelings.  We wish for more memories, for the chance to give (and receive) another hug, another touch, and we wish we would be able to nurture our relationship with them more.  I felt that way when each of my grandfathers died, and when my son died.

In some ways, the choice of using time wisely, choosing not to be truly engaged in building up the things that matter most in life is similar to the Bible story where Esau sells his birthright for a mess of pottage.  Our birthright, what we are God given is the chance to learn and grow to be like him, to love deeply, to serve others, to gain knowledge and wisdom.  We can choose to use our time to try to become more like him, growing, loving, serving, working hard, creating, or we can choose to use it on other things....things that don't really matter, and aren't of lasting value.

I wanted to find a scripture that communicated this idea.  Two came close, but can't quite put it into words the way I want them to. Deuteronomy 30:19 says "I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live;"  More than ever, I want to live, to really live.  I don't want to throw away precious time, precious relationships, precious opportunities.   2 Nephi 9:13-14 in the Book of Mormon talks about God's plan for us, and how when we're resurrected we'll have a perfect knowledge of our guilt or a perfect knowledge of our joy and righteousness.

My time is limited.  As with all resources, choices have to be made, there is no way to go into debt on time, and whether I have to stand before God or whether I just have to stand and face myself in the mirror, I am very determined to be using time to do things that will matter to me for the rest of my life.  I want to choose my life and feel happy about it, to look back and be glad I used the gift of time to build up and enhance other wonderful treasures in my life.