Time: a gift

Last week, for no reason I can explain (though I have theories), was very emotional for me.  I have missed my Gideon, I have wondered about who he would be right now, I have longed for the moments I could have been having with him over the last 15 months.  I am longing for the precious gift of time with my little boy.

I have done a lot of thinking about this precious gift, the gift of time.  I realize that I have not understood or appreciated its value nearly so much as I do now.  In some ways, my newfound appreciation for time has been bad for me because I am SUPER irritated when I notice that I am wasting time, or when others waste my time, or when my children are wasting time, because it seems like throwing away a treasure of immeasurable worth.  However, it has also made me more laid back, happy, and forgiving than I used to be.  My time with people here on earth is limited--I don't know HOW limited, but it will end.  I don't want to spend years holding a grudge when I could let it go and be making memories and enjoying happiness with someone.  When my time is up, I hope not to look back and wish I had spent so much of it differently.  So I am more inclined to take extra moments to hug my children, to breathe deeply and check to see if I'm using my "yelling voice" or my "explaining voice" when I talk to them.  I have sought for more opportunities to make memories with my family, and to do better things with the time I've been given.  I treasure the time I have with them, the chance I have to get to know who they are, to help build relationships with them.

Time is a gift that I took for granted for a long time.  It is something I never gave full credit to.  I am somewhat disappointed as I look back at moments that I could and should have chosen to use differently.  Sometimes it is a rather painful awareness, seeing the many moments I didn't treasure.  I try not to waste too much time looking back, as it's impossible to change what has already been done, but there is no harm in learning from the past and trying to make the most out of the present and future.  I am trying to give this precious gift its due respect and attention.

I also treasure time spent with my other loved ones.  Don't get me wrong though, and misjudge me as a flowery lovey dovey soul.  Every day does not come filled with chocolate, bunnies, and roses; there are still days when my children are sick, my husband and I get frustrated with each other, or people irritate me.  I have discovered a new ability to appreciate the bad and frustrating moments, though, right along with the good ones.  These moments are helping me grow, helping me get to know my family members, giving me the chance to serve, that I might not have otherwise had.

I don't think I will ever look back on the one week I had with my infant son and feel like it was enough time.  I am sometimes haunted by the moments I didn't spend with him.  I wish I had held him longer, gone to the NICU in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep, but I didn't.  I can't go back...just forward.  Time ticked and passed whether I was using it to build relationships and memories, to grow and learn, to serve or help, or whether I used it on frivolous pursuits.  (I wince as I think of watching TV during that week of Gideon's life...what a waste.)

Good relationships are a treasure beyond compare; they lend strength, color, depth, and happiness to life. Healthy relationships (the kind that inspire each person to reach for their potential) should be nurtured, guarded, valued, and appreciated.  They don't grow without an investment of time.  Being present in the moment, making memories together, serving one another, creating together...I wish I had realized sooner how much of a gift all of these things are.

I think, when someone we love dies, what hurts the most is that longing for more time with them.  I don't think it matters whether they are 2 days, 2 years, 2 decades or 102 years old.  We hope they know how much we loved them, and often wish for the chance to tell them plainly about our feelings.  We wish for more memories, for the chance to give (and receive) another hug, another touch, and we wish we would be able to nurture our relationship with them more.  I felt that way when each of my grandfathers died, and when my son died.

In some ways, the choice of using time wisely, choosing not to be truly engaged in building up the things that matter most in life is similar to the Bible story where Esau sells his birthright for a mess of pottage.  Our birthright, what we are God given is the chance to learn and grow to be like him, to love deeply, to serve others, to gain knowledge and wisdom.  We can choose to use our time to try to become more like him, growing, loving, serving, working hard, creating, or we can choose to use it on other things....things that don't really matter, and aren't of lasting value.

I wanted to find a scripture that communicated this idea.  Two came close, but can't quite put it into words the way I want them to. Deuteronomy 30:19 says "I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live;"  More than ever, I want to live, to really live.  I don't want to throw away precious time, precious relationships, precious opportunities.   2 Nephi 9:13-14 in the Book of Mormon talks about God's plan for us, and how when we're resurrected we'll have a perfect knowledge of our guilt or a perfect knowledge of our joy and righteousness.

My time is limited.  As with all resources, choices have to be made, there is no way to go into debt on time, and whether I have to stand before God or whether I just have to stand and face myself in the mirror, I am very determined to be using time to do things that will matter to me for the rest of my life.  I want to choose my life and feel happy about it, to look back and be glad I used the gift of time to build up and enhance other wonderful treasures in my life.

Blessings and trials

What an emotional week this has been!  I have tried hard with this blog to keep it real, to express both my grief and my joy, to share in the things I am learning about myself and my family, and to explore the growth that I see in myself and in my husband and children.  It seems like a week that should have been so full of happiness, but I surprisingly found it to be very bittersweet.

Let me explain a little about a baby blessing.  In my religion, when a baby is 1 to 2 months old, we gather to bless a baby (similar to a christening), to give the child a name, and a priesthood blessing.  Worthy males who hold the priesthood gather, the spokesperson (often the baby's father or grandfather) holds the baby and the others form a circle including him and the child.  Similarly to a prayer, the spokesperson addresses Heavenly Father, gives the child a name, and then give a blessing based on the feelings and impressions they receive.  I believe in the power of priesthood blessings, I have had them pronounced on my own head (in times of need, it is absolutely acceptable to ask for a blessing) and I have heard answers to prayers that I had not explained to anyone else.  I have been told things that have made it clear to me that The Lord has heard my prayers, my concerns and desires.

Today was Miriam's baby blessing day.  Our family gathered at our home afterward to have a celebration luncheon, and so this week has been a week of preparing.  It has been a good excuse and motivator for me to clean and organize more thoroughly than usual, but during all the organizing, sorting, and cleaning I have had a lot of time to think about all the "whoop and holler" that surrounds a special baby blessing.  I have told many people in the past that I have thought it a silly tradition to gather at the home of a new mother and father, who are most likely getting the least sleep of any in the bunch.  It is highly illogical (and I like logic a lot, but not so much that I have let it stop me from having 6 babies.)  However, I was so excited to share this day with our family.  I have been beyond excited....perhaps "elated" would be a better word.

I have experienced a whole different "no frills" version of a baby blessing, and this was far better.  Gideon's blessing came with no frills and no fuss.  We knew he probably wouldn't live long, and we wanted the chance to give him a blessing before he passed away.  He did not have a circle of priesthood holders, just his father and our dear Bishop who made a special trip to the hospital to support us and to be there for that moment.  His blessing was given to him in his incubator bed, and there was no family gathering afterward, just quiet crying from Scott and I.

So as I have cleaned my house this week, I have been so grateful for the chance to celebrate our baby with many of the people we love and cherish.  I have been happy to put in extra time, effort, and money into a gathering, despite a little tiredness.  But I have been reminded as I have cleaned the floor and washed walls and etc. of all the things that I didn't get to do to celebrate Gideon's life.  His funeral was our big family gathering after his birth....  I sat on my kitchen floor and cried this week.  I miss him.  I wish I knew more about him, I realize what a gift time is with our loved ones, and I felt robbed of time with him.  I wish I could have taken living pictures of him in a little white suit, instead of just pictures after his death.  It was a hard week of preparing, but it was also "cleansing" to get the chance to celebrate a life again.

My sweet and talented grandmother made this blessing dress, and I treasure it.  Even though she is 80+, she still creates beautiful things and shares them with her children and grandchildren and great grandchildren.  I'm so happy to have this beautiful creation of hers.  She had also made the tuxedo that we buried Gideon in.  She's so amazingly talented that after coming to see him in the NICU and being there for his blessing day, she created a tiny tux which fit him, and sent it to us in time for his funeral.  She put it together in less than a week.

I am so grateful for the chance I had to share my thoughts and feelings with my family.  I'll try to do a separate post later about what I said, but mainly I talked about precious things in my life, gifts that the Lord has blessed me with that I have sometimes taken for granted, and I talked about how my perspective has changed, causing me to realize how dear and special so many things are in my life.  Scott was also able to share his testimony of trusting in the Lord, knowing that God has a reason for what we are going through.  D&C 6:36 is our family's scripture to ponder this week "Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not."  Scott's testimony declared the Lord's loving plan for each of us, which sometimes involves pain, struggles, and questions, but which also involves us learning and growing, shaped by him to become who he wants us to be.

Miriam has been (and will continue to be) a healing balm in our lives, and will be close to Gideon.  She was blessed to be in tune with the needs of those around her and to be able to comfort and help in ways that aren't always obvious.  It was a beautiful blessing, but it was so hard, remembering and wishing we'd have been able to have these moments with our Gideon too.  We have thought of him so much this week.

I don't know if it's normal for people to feel so much emotion with their "rainbow baby" but I certainly do.  I have treasured more moments than ever before, but felt such a sense of longing for moments with the one I sent home to heaven.  I feel confident in the Lord, though I still don't understand why our experiences have been chosen for us.  I feel very blessed by my family, even as I miss my son deeply.  I have shed many tears this week, many of them in gratitude for the chance to have these moments with my Miriam, and some of them in sadness for the moments I didn't get to have with my Gideon.