The present

Years ago, a good friend and sister in law of mine passed away.  She did have a "heads up"--she had breast cancer, it wasn't diagnosed until stage 4 and had already spread into many areas.  Something I learned from her journey through cancer, and from her last few years on earth was that we are blessed by every day that we have here on earth.  She often said "Every day is a gift, that is why it is called the present."  Pink (for breast cancer) bracelets were made, to remind us that every day is a gift.  I still often wear mine in October during breast cancer awareness month.  I LOVE that quote, and the lessons I learned from her have stuck with me, and I have tried to enjoy my time more, especially as a Mom, after watching her struggle to leave her family behind.

When she was 8 months old, our daughter was hospitalized with RSV and pneumonia, and we almost lost her.  I thought then that I had learned to appreciate time with my children, and that I had learned the lesson I needed to about being grateful for each moment I had with the people I love.

The more recent lesson from losing my child, has far outshone the others.  Almost losing a child is not as painful and lingering as actually losing one, although the experience was still terrifying and made me rethink things.  With him not here, I realize how many gifts I miss with him--I got only 7 days, and much of that time wasn't even spent together, as he was in the NICU, and I couldn't be there constantly.  I am grateful for the one week we had, and I know that it was a miracle to have even had him that long with all the problems he had.  Still...it wasn't enough.  In a more consuming way, this has made me appreciate the time I have with my living children, my siblings, my parents, my friends so much more.

Because I am expecting, and I don't know what surprises the pregnancy may have in store for me, I have been trying to seize time now to make memories with my kids.  I am so grateful (even though Gideon never got to see it with mortal eyes) that we went to Bryce National Park with our children last May, while I was pregnant with him.  I am so glad we took him to Bear World in utero.  Gideon was in my tummy at my brother's wedding.  It's a silly thing, but I feel like we did at least get a few family vacations where he was there. 

This baby has been getting to enjoy lots of trips too, I am so painfully aware that I don't know how much time I'll have with any of my children.  Not that every day has to be full of new things and new places, but I want to make every day with my family count.  In the last few weeks, we've visited 2 new parks that we had never been to before, and visited my aunt at her farm, where she let us ride ponies and horses, and meet her new baby pony (born just a month ago).

 We went to Tracy Aviary.  Two of my kids got to participate in the live bird show--feeding ducks and feeding an emu. 

We visited their great grandmother (my grandma) and went to Willow Park Zoo.  We love animals, and we love great grandma's house (which has a little pond in the back with REAL lily pads and dragonflies and a hummingbird feeder!!)

  We have also enjoyed making memories at home--we started the 5th Harry Potter last fall, letting kids earn pages for good behavior, and we finally finished it last week, and watched the movie upon finishing.  What an accomplishment that all of us (including baby) have been a part of--she likes to kick while I read, and the kids love to feel her move as I read to them. We've gone and bought new books to read, checked out books from the library, practiced reading and writing and math, and dissected owl pellets.  We've enjoyed some tremendous summer thunderstorms, and we enjoyed running and playing in a warm summer shower last week.  (I didn't go play in it, I wanted to have towels ready when they got cold and came in.)  I've introduced the kids to some "new old" shows that I watched when I was a kid, they have discovered that they enjoy both He-Man and She-ra, and we laugh about the way cartoons used to be, as well as enjoying the "moral" at the end of each episode.  We have lots of fun projects planned, and fun places to visit with family.  I LOVE being a mom, a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a wife--it's so fun for me to spend time with my family, and I treasure it in a way I never did before.

There are times when these precious moments make me miss my Gideon more, as I wish he was here to share them with us.  Family moments just make me really wish he were here.  (Though he would probably not like any of the hour long car rides we've done...) I wish he could know his brothers and sister and see them grow and hear them laugh.  I am, though, so grateful for the children that I get to have with me here and now, they are some of my greatest treasures.  And I am so grateful for each day I get to be alive, to be with people I love, to discover and grow and experience the amazing things that life has to offer.  I am wholly grateful for the present.