The best therapist

Over the last months, many people have looked at me incredulously and asked me "How do you handle this?  Do you have a really good therapist?  Can I get their number?"  Sometimes they are completely serious, other times, it feels like trying to joke and laugh about something serious, and it just gets a little awkward.  I often am not sure how to respond, or how to answer those questions.  There have been moments when I laughed, moments when I choked back tears, moments when I didn't choke back tears, just let them come, and there have been moments when I have calmly told people that I don't know.   Some people ask me how I can talk about Gideon and all that happened calmly.  I've told some people "the prayer and read your scriptures thing--it's working for me."  Sometimes it is still very hard to talk about, and sometimes the pain feels very overwhelming.  However, I am glad to be to a point where it has gotten easier to talk about, and I am able to be more matter of fact about it.  I am sure this is at least partly because I have a 4 year old who asks very candid and blunt questions, and I have practiced answering him openly and honestly, especially when he talks to me about his baby brother, who we don't still have with us on earth.

The questions have made me do some deep pondering, some examining of how and why I am able to handle this burden.  Truthfully, I do have a really good therapist.  I have the best therapist across multiple universes.  His name is God.  He doesn't have a phone number, but you can reach Him anywhere, anyplace, anytime through prayer.  And I have needed him often throughout my life, but especially since last July.  And I am growing to trust him immensely.

Here are a few of the scriptures and songs I think of often as I have journeyed through the last year.  I FEEL these, they have comforted me and helped me through the many times when I am feeling discouraged, disappointed, and overwhelmed.  The two that have been the most prominent in my healing journey are larger.  They've come into my mind and heart quite often, and lifted and encouraged me to have faith, even in the midst of things I don't understand, and may not for a long time.

Proverbs 3:5&6 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

Isaiah 55:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."

The story of Peter walking on the water, having the faith to go out into the unknown, becoming overwhelmed by the waves and storm, and then crying out to the Savior for help (found in Matthew 14.) 

Phillipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me."  (ALL TIME FAVORITE, even before the trial/blessing of Gideon.)

Mosiah 4:9 "Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend."

Mosiah 24:15  And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

D&C 4:7 "Ask and ye shall receive.  Knock and it shall be opened unto you.  Amen."

Not surprisingly, there have also been a few beautiful songs that have touched my heart and helped me to feel better, even though they pull on my heart strings and often bring tears to my eyes.

Be Still My Soul (LDS Hymnal, Hymn #124)  Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side.  With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain  Leave to thy God to order and provide.  In every change, he faithful will remain.  Be still my soul, thy best, thy heavenly friend, through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

(This was sung in a sacrament meeting when I was recovering in the hospital after Gideon was born, with many unknowns ahead of our family.  We knew he had a rough fight ahead, and that we may not have him with us for long, and we were very emotional.  I couldn't sing, I cried so hard, but the words fit our journey.  Our thorny ways will lead to a joyful end.)

A link, in case you've never heard the hymn before:
David Archuleta sings Be Still My Soul to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir

This one I heard within the last few weeks, and it is absolutely gorgeous and applicable.  I've been a fan of Hilary Weeks for a long time--she has family in Alaska, where I lived when her very first album came out.  I didn't expect this mountain to be in my way, but I look at life from this new point of view and I wouldn't trade it.

Hilary Weeks: Beautiful Heartbreak

Give Said the Little Stream still touches my heart--we sang it to Gideon when he was alive, I have a beautiful video of my children singing it to him on his last day with us.  I haven't shared it before, but I can now.  It's so dear to my heart, and doesn't feel like exposing an open wound anymore.

We also sing it almost every time we go visit his grave.  His little life still gives to me every day.

As I look at this list, it seems that the trend is "Trust in God".  Knowing he is there all the time, knows what I need, is way smarter than me, and that I am letting him be in charge seems to be where much of my comfort lies.  I don't know when I'll understand why this happened, but I do know that I WILL understand one day.  Scott has said (and I have felt the truth in his words) that one day, we will be shouting the praises of God from the rooftops over his wisdom in this experience. 

I have much to do to be the person I know God wants me to be.  I don't always know how I'll do it all, but I am trying hard, because I want to be with my Gideon again.  And that keeps me busy doing good things, which also helps my soul to heal.  Finding people to serve, learning to see the good and the growth that has come from what has happened, looking for opportunities to better myself and my family...that keeps me anxiously engaged in a good cause.

I talk to my "therapist" often, but not really as often as I could or should.  He's very available to me, at any hour, in any moment, in any situation.  I sometimes forget to enjoy the blessings that I could by spending more time talking with him.  I do, though, talk to Him often.  Sometimes it's a brief little "thankyou" for making it possible for me to be with Gideon again one day, sometimes it's a plea for extra strength.  Sometimes I apologize for my weaknesses and ask for the help to see my potential and reach it.  Sometimes I ask for ways I can be better, sometimes I plead for the strength to bear this burden well.  He makes it better, and I am grateful not to have to rely on my own strength or courage or wisdom through this loss.  I truly have the best therapist in (and out of) this world.