on the boat

Trying to fill my life with good things and feel the spirit of the Lord every day helps me to keep a peaceful perspective about the loss of my son.  Even if it's just brief, I try to read scriptures or words of prophets so that I feel the Lord's hand in my life, and know that he is mindful of me.  Praying brings me peace and comfort, on nights when I struggle to rest, I do feel better when I take time to converse with the Lord about all that is going on, and to thank him for my blessings.  It helps me to remember that there are no accidents with his plan, that he allows bad to happen, but that he has good rewards for all who are faithful.  It helps me to see that there is more beyond what I can see now, and to trust him.

Today, I took a moment to read and watch and think about the moment when Christ calms the storm in Mark 4.  There is an awesome video that captures the moment and the words spoken here, if you want the 2 minute version.

It's not really new for me, I truly enjoy this story.  It's fairly simple and to the point, miraculous, and is told several times in the New Testament.  When I was in college, I posted this picture on my wall with a caption that said something like "Will you let Him calm the storms in your life?"

I wrote a poem that I even began putting to music, entitled "Peace, Be Still".  I have not been brave enough to finish it, or post it.  Not many people know that I write poetry, and I don't write much any more, just for lack of time.  It expresses feelings of pain, doubt, and fear that can be calmed by the Master who can simply utter "Peace, be still".

The point is, I have read this story many times, and I love it, I love all it symbolizes, but today I was struck by three things I never have noticed before.

First, I thought that Christ must have been completely beyond exhausted to sleep through something as crazy as getting rained on and rocked about.  He was still sleeping hard enough that his disciples had to wake him and ask if He cared that they were going to die.  He must have needed the sleep so badly if he was able to sleep through a storm like that until someone woke him.  Then I wondered if perhaps it's because He knew nothing on earth could or would hurt Him until it was time for Him to complete his mission, so things like rocking boats/waves wouldn't even phase him.  I'm sure he was still very tired, he likely had so many things to think about, so many people he worried over, that he rarely got moments where he wasn't thronged like when he was in a boat with his disciples.  But he was confident that he would be just fine, no matter what came his way, until it was his time to finish his work.

Second, I realized that when he asks his disciples about their faith, and why they were so afraid, he is aware that they don't understand why he felt so safe.  They don't realize who he is--they have the son of God on their boat, and he is going to be kept safe until he allows otherwise, so they never had reason to fear.  He is probably a little bit in awe at their lack of ability to understand.  I'm on the boat--why are you scared?!

I am understanding that Christ's calming the waves had nothing to do with a need for physical safety for himself or his disciples and everything to do with caring for his disciples because they were afraid.  None of them were ever in true danger, as long as they were in the boat with the Master.  (I suppose one might have been in danger if they fell out of the boat...)  And as long as I am riding in the boat with the Master, then I have no reason to fear.  

The first night after Gideon was born, when I was trying to recover from some pretty severe hemorrhaging and a nearly 24 hour labor, I knew I needed to rest, but I struggled to sleep.  I didn't know what was to come, what was to happen to my son, and I wanted to have any minutes I could with him.  I was panicking and trying to find a balance between caring for me and caring for him.  I hated being away from him, but I didn't have the strength or energy to go be with him.  My brother in law (whose name Gideon carries as his middle name) gave us some wise counsel that day.  Sleep, you can not push yourself beyond your mortal ability to function and still be able to be helpful to your family.  Do not do more than you can do.  A nurse in the NICU said something similar--she told me she had seen moms keep a 24 hour vigil for the first few nights, and then get really sick and not be able to see their babies at all, because you are not allowed in the NICU if you are sick.  Period.  I felt bad about trying to sleep, and I still sometimes wish I would have slept less and spent more time with my tiny little man, but today, I feel better about it because of this story.

I was so tired, that if I could sleep through the middle of that "storm", I probably needed the sleep.  I had prayed like crazy for time with my baby, and I knew that God was in charge.  I did not know when he would be called home, but I knew that he wouldn't go home unless God called him home.  Also the NICU would call us if things got scary, so that we could come and be there with him (Carest thou not that he perishes?)  It was OK for me to sleep, as God was caring for Gideon during those hours, and I am in His boat.

Crazy stuff is going to happen, I am sure I am going to have to weather more storms and go through more experiences that I will struggle to understand.  As long as I'm in the boat with the Master, though, he will comfort me (even if I'm in no true danger), and help me to understand and grow in faith and understanding of who He is and what His plan is for me.  His boat is the ultimate "life boat", as He helps life be better, more full, more happy, more hopeful for the future.  It's a privilege to be on the boat with the Master.