Easter means more now

One of my favorite lessons on Easter comes back to me each year as my tulips, daffodils, crocuses, hyacinths and other spring bulbs come back to life.

Several years ago now, my sister in law Amber Chase had cancer.  She has since passed away, but her words on Easter, the resurrection, and spring bulbs are one of my ALL TIME favorite lessons on the resurrection, on faith in the miracles to come.  She did a great job of putting this in a way that I can relate, as I love gardening, but I have always had a particular fondness for spring bulbs.  (She is also less "wordy" than me, and gets to the point more efficiently.)  I didn't know what tulips were when I was 7, but we lived in a house for 2 years where some red tulips popped up in the spring, and I remember thinking that they were the most beautiful flower I had ever seen.  Now I know what they are, and that they are a spring bulb, and my attraction to them is even stronger after this lesson Amber gave on bulbs and the resurrection.

To celebrate Easter, and to bring my thoughts to all we have to look forward to in a new and awesome way, I am simply going to borrow her words: from someone who is now spending time with my Gideon in paradise, here is a post from her blog, written nearly 6 years ago.  I love all of my family, and I love her and learned so much from her.  I learn from all of my family, whether they are my in-laws or my blood relatives, and I am so grateful to have such a great support network.  Every year around Easter, I go find this post and read it.  (Her blog is amberchase.weebly.com, if anyone wants to read about her journey, or go to the source.)  I am going to share it with my kids this year, as they can relate to death and joying in the resurrection more now than ever before.

More than ever, as I have truly felt the loss of someone close to me, I am grateful for Jesus Christ, for the gift of immortality that will come with a resurrected body.  I am grateful that Gideon will be resurrected whole and free from disease.  I am grateful that I will be able to be a "flower" with him one day.  I love my Jesus, and I am glad he provided this second chance to all, because of his strong love and his desire for my happiness.  HAPPY EASTER!

Thoughts on Easter, Spring, and Resurrection 04/16/2009 25 Comments   This Easter, I pondered a lot on the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.  On Easter Sunday, my daughter Abby gave a talk in Primary about this subject.  She said, "I know that my mom will be resurrected, and that all of her scars will be gone, and her hair will be back."  I was so touched by this, and have since been thinking about that a lot.  As I feel my body getting sicker and sicker as the cancer continues to grow and damage it, I found hope!  Even though my body is slowly dying as the cancer ravages it, this will not be the end.  I will be resurrected, and all of my scars will be gone!  I will be pain free, and have energy again!  What a joyful thing!  I am so grateful for my Savior, and for His sacrifice!   Spring is my favorite time of year.  I love seeing the flowers bloom.  In the fall I planted bulbs with my mother in law, and I remember wondering if I would be here to see them bloom.  I am so happy that I am still here, and have such delight in seeing my bulbs blooming.  It is a miracle that these dead looking bulbs come back to life.  As the days get warmer, and the rains come, they wake from their slumber, and begin to grow.  Their bright colored blooms also remind me of the resurrection.   When you compare the beauty of the flower to the withered and gray bulbs, you realize that that is what the Resurrection will bring.  It will restore the weak and frail body, to one that is bright and shining; one that is strong and healthy, free from disease.  Though my body is more like the bulb now, one day I will be a blooming flower.

on the boat

Trying to fill my life with good things and feel the spirit of the Lord every day helps me to keep a peaceful perspective about the loss of my son.  Even if it's just brief, I try to read scriptures or words of prophets so that I feel the Lord's hand in my life, and know that he is mindful of me.  Praying brings me peace and comfort, on nights when I struggle to rest, I do feel better when I take time to converse with the Lord about all that is going on, and to thank him for my blessings.  It helps me to remember that there are no accidents with his plan, that he allows bad to happen, but that he has good rewards for all who are faithful.  It helps me to see that there is more beyond what I can see now, and to trust him.

Today, I took a moment to read and watch and think about the moment when Christ calms the storm in Mark 4.  There is an awesome video that captures the moment and the words spoken here, if you want the 2 minute version.

It's not really new for me, I truly enjoy this story.  It's fairly simple and to the point, miraculous, and is told several times in the New Testament.  When I was in college, I posted this picture on my wall with a caption that said something like "Will you let Him calm the storms in your life?"

I wrote a poem that I even began putting to music, entitled "Peace, Be Still".  I have not been brave enough to finish it, or post it.  Not many people know that I write poetry, and I don't write much any more, just for lack of time.  It expresses feelings of pain, doubt, and fear that can be calmed by the Master who can simply utter "Peace, be still".

The point is, I have read this story many times, and I love it, I love all it symbolizes, but today I was struck by three things I never have noticed before.

First, I thought that Christ must have been completely beyond exhausted to sleep through something as crazy as getting rained on and rocked about.  He was still sleeping hard enough that his disciples had to wake him and ask if He cared that they were going to die.  He must have needed the sleep so badly if he was able to sleep through a storm like that until someone woke him.  Then I wondered if perhaps it's because He knew nothing on earth could or would hurt Him until it was time for Him to complete his mission, so things like rocking boats/waves wouldn't even phase him.  I'm sure he was still very tired, he likely had so many things to think about, so many people he worried over, that he rarely got moments where he wasn't thronged like when he was in a boat with his disciples.  But he was confident that he would be just fine, no matter what came his way, until it was his time to finish his work.

Second, I realized that when he asks his disciples about their faith, and why they were so afraid, he is aware that they don't understand why he felt so safe.  They don't realize who he is--they have the son of God on their boat, and he is going to be kept safe until he allows otherwise, so they never had reason to fear.  He is probably a little bit in awe at their lack of ability to understand.  I'm on the boat--why are you scared?!

I am understanding that Christ's calming the waves had nothing to do with a need for physical safety for himself or his disciples and everything to do with caring for his disciples because they were afraid.  None of them were ever in true danger, as long as they were in the boat with the Master.  (I suppose one might have been in danger if they fell out of the boat...)  And as long as I am riding in the boat with the Master, then I have no reason to fear.  

The first night after Gideon was born, when I was trying to recover from some pretty severe hemorrhaging and a nearly 24 hour labor, I knew I needed to rest, but I struggled to sleep.  I didn't know what was to come, what was to happen to my son, and I wanted to have any minutes I could with him.  I was panicking and trying to find a balance between caring for me and caring for him.  I hated being away from him, but I didn't have the strength or energy to go be with him.  My brother in law (whose name Gideon carries as his middle name) gave us some wise counsel that day.  Sleep, you can not push yourself beyond your mortal ability to function and still be able to be helpful to your family.  Do not do more than you can do.  A nurse in the NICU said something similar--she told me she had seen moms keep a 24 hour vigil for the first few nights, and then get really sick and not be able to see their babies at all, because you are not allowed in the NICU if you are sick.  Period.  I felt bad about trying to sleep, and I still sometimes wish I would have slept less and spent more time with my tiny little man, but today, I feel better about it because of this story.

I was so tired, that if I could sleep through the middle of that "storm", I probably needed the sleep.  I had prayed like crazy for time with my baby, and I knew that God was in charge.  I did not know when he would be called home, but I knew that he wouldn't go home unless God called him home.  Also the NICU would call us if things got scary, so that we could come and be there with him (Carest thou not that he perishes?)  It was OK for me to sleep, as God was caring for Gideon during those hours, and I am in His boat.

Crazy stuff is going to happen, I am sure I am going to have to weather more storms and go through more experiences that I will struggle to understand.  As long as I'm in the boat with the Master, though, he will comfort me (even if I'm in no true danger), and help me to understand and grow in faith and understanding of who He is and what His plan is for me.  His boat is the ultimate "life boat", as He helps life be better, more full, more happy, more hopeful for the future.  It's a privilege to be on the boat with the Master.

I have been changed for good

Another theme song post?  You bet!!  There is a beautiful song from the musical "Wicked" called "For Good", which I fell in love with a few years ago.  My late sister in law, Amber, linked the music on her blog, which is beautiful and I still sometimes go back and read her testimony, and feel the growth she made through her battle with cancer, and the power of the love she felt for her family.  This song reminds me of her, and reminds me of the power we all have to make other people's lives better through our example.  Since then, I can't sing it, it makes me cry too much.  I love to sing, but this is one I may never be able to sing again, even more so now.  There are a ton of lines that I can't get through anymore, because they pull too strongly on my heart strings.  If you've never heard it, and aren't familiar with the lyrics, here's a link of the song performed by the original Broadway singers with the lyrics on screen so you can see exactly what's being sung.  For Good: Wicked Idina Menzel and Kristen Chenoweth

Why today?  Well, last night as I prayed, my heart truly burned for the first time as I thanked God for sending Gideon into my life because of the changes it has made in me.  I meant it, and I really felt it, deep down.  I have known I would one day feel gratitude for the experience, but up until last night, I hadn't REALLY felt grateful for it.  I have seen my perspective shift, my faith grow.  Little things that are trivial and unimportant have become more obviously so.  My perspective has broadened, I see people more clearly.  The things that are most important have become much more focused in my life.  As I prayed last night, I realized that I am grateful for the changes in myself that have come because Gideon came into my life.  As I finished praying, some of the phrases from this song burst into my mind.  "I know I'm who I am today because I knew you."  "Because I knew you, I have been changed for good."  "It well may be that we may never meet again in this lifetime...so much of me is made from what I learned from you, you'll be with me like a handprint on my heart."

I have listened to the song several times today, and the beginning struck me in a new and different way. Elphaba (one of the characters) sings about being limited, and how the other will have to go on for both of them.  Truthfully, I don't know whether it's Gideon that's limited because he currently doesn't have a physical body, or if it's me, because I am tied to mine.  Either way, we have work to do that we can each do, and I know that what I do here has been influenced by his life forever.  The priesthood blessing he was given when he was 5 days old still rings true.  "Your life, though short, has no less meaning."  At the time, I wondered how it would be possible that his tiny life would continue to make a difference.  Now, I know.

God knows what I need, he knew what I needed to grow into the person he wants me to become.  (Man, I must have a lot of rough edges to have needed this!!)  I still miss my baby, and it is hard for me to wonder what knowing him will be like, and wishing it could be right now.  I miss all those moments.  It still hurts a lot.  I am growing because of it, though, and am grateful for that growth and the happiness I am finding because of it.  I have been changed for good.

Our little warrior

We nicknamed Gideon "our little warrior" almost instantly.  He was named after several warriors in the scriptures, knowing he would have to fight for his life.  We also concluded that if he was not meant to stay here on earth with us, he was a valiant, spiritual warrior.

Let it be said that it will be very clear from this post that I believe in both an existence before this life and one after it.  If that is something that will make you uncomfortable, this post will probably be uncomfortable, and there is no pressure to continue reading.

I have reasons to believe that Gideon is my own special warrior.

Years ago, before I was married, before I had even met Scott, I lived in Alaska.  (Loved it, what a place!!) On Jan 1 2000, at the tender age of 18, I was injured very badly in a snowmobiling accident.  I was the passenger, we jumped a snowy embankment (going way too fast--I think the driver didn't see it with all the white) and I blacked out the instant we hit the embankment.  I regained consciousness face down in the snow, with the snowmobile on top of my legs.  We were probably at least 40 feet from where we initially hit, and I have no idea how I ended up under the machine.  The entire circumstances are somewhat miraculous--a few of my vertebrae were compressed in the accident, the doctors told me that had they been compressed by a single degree more, I'd have been paralyzed from the waist down.  How did the machine land on my legs--on my cushy calf muscles, so that they wouldn't snap the bones in half?  How did I fly so far one direction and the driver land so far in the other (she was at least 20 feet away from me and the snowmobile), I had to holler to find out if she was OK, because I didn't see her at first, she was not in close proximity.  With a prayer, she had enough strength to lift the snowmobile enough for me to get my legs out from underneath it.  (Before the prayer, my legs were aching fiercely and I asked her to try to move it, and she was unsuccessful.)  And at the closest cabin, there just happened to be an EMT from the Anchorage Fire Department, who was able to do an initial check on me, get me laying down, and go for help with the driver (who was uninjured other than a few scratches and a torn coat).  I was given a priesthood blessing where I was promised both a quick and full recovery (no small feat when it's a serious back injury).

I remember thinking about those moments, the miracles of that accident, and how later that day, I had a dawning realization that I was kept alive so that I could become a wife and mother.  God had something special for me to experience in life that I needed to stick around for.  I felt that my own children (I don't know how many of them) were there that day, making sure that I was "intact" so that I could one day do what I was called to do--to be their mother.

That same year, I was in several other accidents.  Earlier in the winter, I was in a car accident.  My car was totalled, the other car was fine.  The SAME day as the snowmobiling accident, on the way to the snowmobiling activity, in fact, we hit a patch of black ice, and spun out of control across the center lane (yes into the lane where oncoming traffic was).  Right in the middle of the spin, we suddenly switched directions, spun back off onto our own side of the road, and off the side.  We drove away unharmed, and the truck we were in was fine.  (Had to put it into 4WD to get off the side of the road, but we were fine.)  Later that spring, I was driving and hydroplaned and spun off the road.  I was fine, the vehicle ended up getting a flat tire from when I spun off the road, but that was it.  That year was a year of things that could have killed me, and for some reason, they didn't.  I suspected VERY strongly after that year that there were forces beyond my ability to see--some of which wanted me destroyed and others which hoped to keep me safe.

Before I had even taken a pregnancy test with Gideon's pregnancy, before I had any reason to suspect that I was expecting, I woke one night hearing a voice saying "Mommy, I'm coming."  I quite strongly suspected that I was pregnant, and that I was going to have a very special baby.  In some ways, it scared me more as we began to see the problems with his body, because I wondered if this baby wasn't just too special to stay here on earth--too good to be tried by the problems, sadnesses, and trials we all experience here.  (And indeed, he was.)  I wondered, when pregnant, if this special child with the ability to let me know he was on his way was also special enough to guard and watch over me in the moments when I was in danger.  I have felt like it is pretty likely he was present that day when I got in a snowmobile accident, keeping me safe.

His calling to be the guardian angel of our family seems to have been important enough that we only got the brief chance to meet him in this life, before he was called back.

Last Sunday, our oldest child was given a blessing ordaining him to become a Deacon in the Aaronic (preparatory) priesthood.  He will have responsibilities and expectations, as well as potentially having special spiritual blessings from living up to the responsibilities and expectations.  When Ethan was being ordained and receiving his blessing, I felt strongly that our guardian angel was there, that he came to experience this special moment in our family's growth.  It would have been a special moment for me anyway, but now it was an even more sacred moment--though I wish I had the opportunity to get to know Gideon better here and now, I am grateful that he is still part of our family, and that I could feel him there during that special moment.  He is still watching out for us.

If anything, this has strengthened my testimony that the people who have gone before us, and quite possibly also those who are waiting to come yet, care about us.  They want us to succeed, to do right, to be our best selves.  They can't interfere in everything--we have choices which have natural consequences, other people have choices which have consequences that will affect us, those things can not always be tampered with, but I believe that our "angels and warriors" help where they can.  I believe they pray for us, they hope for us, they want us to endure and to overcome weaknesses.  I believe they are there for us in the moments when we feel so alone (even Jesus was sent an angel to comfort him in some of his alone time in the Garden of Gethsemane).

I am grateful for the privilege of meeting at least one of my warriors, and for the privilege of knowing he is there to watch over our family.  I am grateful that our family was blessed to have the chance to meet him in person.