It's a privilege

This isn't a goodbye post, though I'm feeling sentimental and nostalgic.  It's a "life is precious" post.  It's a "family and friends are a treasure" post.  And words won't be enough, but they're what I've got.

Before I buried a child, I never felt grateful for the opportunity to be awakened in the night by a sick little person who was fevered or throwing up. I didn't realize that potty training was a privilege. I couldn't appreciate that fighting homework battles, teaching them not to throw a fit, spending hours convincing them to try a new food, and/or removing privileges because they were disrespectful are all special pieces of a journey that I should be thankful to be a part of.

Lest I sound like the woman who has it all together, who is always keeping a perspective filled with love, laughter, and delight, I'll just make it very clear that I'm not that person.  I hope that I'm on the path to becoming that person, but I'm not there yet.  I still get frustrated, aggravated, sleep deprived, and attitudinal (I love that word).  My house is messy, and I am harder on myself than I should be in some ways, and not hard enough on myself in other ways. 

I just...I know how it feels to bury a child.  I know how it feels to notice that someone is missing.  I watched some of my children sing "I am a Child of God" in a church meeting last week, and I just ached because my son should have been up there singing for his first time with the primary children.  I know how it feels to miss out on birthdays, and on opportunities to snuggle him when he's sick, to potty train him, to do all the "normal" parent things.  It still hurts.  I don't blog about it as often any more, because I feel like I've said it so many times already, but the pain is still there.

With that pain, though, has come this amazing awareness that being a mom is such a blessing.  I look at my children and remember (not always, but many times) that it is a privilege to spend time with them each day.  And in light of the recent mass shooting at a high school in Florida, that awareness has been brought closer to the surface this week.  I am heartbroken for the parents and friends that have to bury children.  The tragedy has sparked a lot of arguing about what the solutions are (and I'll talk about that in another post) but I hope it has also sparked a realization that every day is precious.  And that there is a NEED in the world for every person to feel loved, special, even treasured.  I don't know what happened to drive the shooter to the point that he chose to do what he did, but what if he had felt precious to someone every day?  What if he had a connection with someone good in his life every day, and felt loved, safe, and secure?  Earthquakes and hurricanes and storms and accidents should ALSO make us aware that it's important for us to be grateful for every day, to let our loved ones know they are special to us, and to reach out to those who we truly care about that might need our help.

In the last few years, I've seen many marriages fall apart that have stood for years.  I know, when I first fell in love, that spending time with my (then) boyfriend or fiancee was a privilege and I took every opportunity to be with him.  Now I'm blogging, while he watches TV (and that's OK, he knows that this is important to me, and he's understanding and supportive.  In fact, me starting a blog was his idea so that I could cope with my emotions and share my thoughts after we lost our son.)  My point though, is that back when the relationship was very young, it was obvious to him and to me that being with him was a privilege.  Life is hard, marriage is hard, and relationships are hard and take commitment, because we are human and we screw up and we don't always communicate well.  And out of necessity, things change--we can't always spend every moment together, it can't always be a honeymoon, and space can be a good thing too.  But, for those of you in a relationship, when is the last time you felt like it was a privilege to be with your partner?  And when did you tell them?  Or...when did you last feel so special--like the person you're with felt like it was a privilege to be with you? 

I feel like I can and I need to do better about making sure people in my life know that I feel like it's a privilege to know them, to love them, to be influenced by their thoughts, opinions, and experiences.  Even in the hard times, like tonight when my toddler had a hard time going to sleep because of a cough and a sore throat, so I had to go back in and hold her and help her settle down far after bedtime, it's a privilege to love and care for her, even when it's not convenient or fun. 

If you're one of my friends who reads my posts, who cares about me enough to want to hear my thoughts and feelings, know that you're precious to me.  People who care are something really special, and the world needs more people like you.  It's a privilege to know you.