Typically, the "joy in the journey" name of my blog applies to the joy I find on the journey of healing from the loss of a child. I have felt a different joy from a different journey this week, though. Most likely, people have noticed the trending status "me too" intended to bring awareness to sexual assault, abuse, or harassment. I have been surprised how many of my friends (including even one of my male friends) have posted "me too". My emotions have swirled--relieved to be able to talk about it, even as simply as "me too", horrified that so many can talk about it from the side of having experienced it, comforted by the support of so many, and cringeworthy emotions triggered by the memories of my experiences, as a child, and preteen.
I'm not going to go into the details. I have had more than one bad experience, and more than one perpetrator. One perpetrator was a family member, another was a group of about 4 boys. I was young, and I don't like to think about or dwell on the experiences I had. I have experienced too much sadness, far too many nightmares, felt too much weight and too many effects from them. I'd bet than anyone who really loves me would hate to hear the details (other than from mere curiosity) and it would probably bother them a lot to hear me talk about it. And anyone who doesn't know and love me doesn't need to know. I know some women who have chosen not to write "me too" for that reason. They are strong, they are not hiding, they are simply choosing to have their experience remain theirs. And those who are sharing are also strong, choosing to share a small tidbit of themselves that usually remains hidden to bring awareness to a subject that is uncomfortable and awful.
I've thought about how many "me too" experiences I've been able to share with others, some good and some bad. I've had a miscarriage. I've buried a baby I held in my arms. I've been nearly hit by crazy drivers. I've held the hand of an old person who didn't recognize me and listened to them talk to me as if I was someone they knew well. I've given birth. I have friends from different races, countries, sexual orientations, and religions. I've been in a snowmobiling accident that nearly paralyzed me. I'm grateful to be able to say "me too" as a way of standing shoulder to shoulder with those who feel happy, those who feel sad, those who feel overwhelmed, those who feel brave enough to talk about any of these things, and those who don't.
In my later teen years, when the truth came out about my "me too" experiences with my family member, it felt like my entire extended family turned upside down. My father looked old to me for the first time on the day he found out about what happened. In some ways, when my extended family went crazy with the news, it felt like the damage was fresh, like the "bandaid" of years of saying nothing had been ripped off and the wound was fresh all over again. I learned that there had been more victims in my family, and I wished I had spoken up sooner. Perhaps if one of us had said something, less damage could have happened.
But it wasn't my fault. It wasn't their fault. And it wasn't your fault. And that was a huge part of what made my healing easier for me: knowing that it was not my fault, but the bad decision of someone else.
My mother was also sexually abused, by a family member (a different one). For some reason, she grew up believing that it was her fault. Her healing process was severely stunted, because she truly believed that it was her fault, that she had done something to deserve or earn that treatment, and that she had to "repent". (I use repent here in quotes, because I do believe repentance is a real thing. I have felt so much better after repenting. However one can not repent if one did nothing wrong, which is true whenever a child is abused--they did nothing wrong.) And when she finally talked about it as an adult, her family struggled. And she felt like it was her fault for bringing it up, like she should not make waves because it made everybody upset. Truly, I am not sure she is fully healed yet.
Guys....it should make everybody upset. Family members and friends should be upset by this. Everybody should be upset by this. The point of the "me too" thing is not necessarily to create upset feelings, but to upset the status quo that it's best not to make waves, and to help everyone realize that this problem is ginormous. It's gargantuan. And part of the reason it's so big is because only the "tip of the iceberg" is ever seen. Most people don't talk about it, most people don't know about it, and most people don't know about the things that have happened in each other's lives.
I know there are women who don't want to say "me too" because they don't want to stir the pot, they don't want to make everybody upset. I know there are women who won't say "me too" because they don't want to admit that anything wrong happened. I know there are women who are confident in themselves, who feel like they have moved on and don't want to share their feelings, and so they choose not to share their "me too". I am certainly not going to judge any of them. Because I can't see anything beyond the tip of the iceberg. I hope that they feel loved and accepted and supported in all of this too. And if nothing else, everyone should learn from this "me too" trend that we only EVER see the tip of the iceberg when we are dealing with other people, so we need to quit judging each other.
I do feel like I have moved on, forgiven, and let it go, but I still occasionally have nightmares and struggles because of it. I don't know if there is a healer in this world who can prevent nightmares from happening, but I do believe there is a master healer. In my later teen years, I really struggled with my experiences and how to react, feel, and move on. I went to counseling. I talked with family members. I read a book about recovering from sexual abuse. None of those things helped me more than my belief in Jesus Christ, that He felt this weight with me through the atonement, that He is horrified by these things, that He values me. When I read about how He talked with people, the ways He taught, the way He healed people as individuals and not as a big mass healing, it helps me to see that He loves us individually, not just collectively.
Anyone who follows this blog knows: I have said many times that I look forward to the resurrection when I will finally get to hold my Gideon again, watch him learn to crawl, walk, talk and grow. But I also look forward to the resurrection as a time when my healing can be made perfect. And when my mother's healing can be made perfect. I truly believe that God, who is fair and just, will heal me. I truly believe He will fully heal everyone who has suffered at the hand of others. There was a time in my life when my experiences left my emotions in so much turmoil, but I have felt the Savior's healing influence, the calm, the peace when I have prayed for help and turned to the scriptures. Perhaps some may say it's all in my head, but I'll take the placebo effect (if that's what you want to call it.) I am grateful for the peace. John 14:27 puts it pretty well "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." There is no peace better than the peace He gives. There is a spot in the Book of Mormon (in 3rd Nephi 17) when the Savior tells the people to bring anyone who is lame, blind, halt, maimed, leprous, or afflicted in any manner. And the people bring all those who were "afflicted in any manner" to the Savior, and He did heal them EVERY ONE. I honestly believe it happened then, and I believe I've already experienced much of the healing He offers, and that the finishing touches will happen one day.
This week, I have been grateful to look back on my journey of healing from sexual offenses and see the peace I have been able to find. I have been grateful to see that there is support from many other men and women. I'm grateful that the fear, anger, and pain that I used to feel so often are now mostly replaced by a sense of peace, love, and wholeness. I'm grateful to have a family support system. And I'm grateful for a Heavenly Father who had a plan in place that allowed people the supreme right to choose, but provided a Savior to heal those who had to suffer because of any of those choices. I can see how far I've come on my healing journey, and I believe that is possible because of Him.
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