Am I good enough?

This is a hard one.  It's tough for me to talk about it, to admit to myself that these thoughts go through my mind, but they are real, haunting, and need to be shared.  I don't know exactly why I feel so strongly that I needed to write these down, but I do.  I am guessing that I am not the only parent who has felt this way after the loss of a child, or just after a bad day.

When we learned that Gideon might not make it, I began to pray more desperately than I have ever prayed before in my life.  I asked Heavenly Father for some time with Gideon, and especially that my other children would be able to see him, at least have some memory of him.  That prayer, was thankfully granted, though our time was so short.  They were, at very least, able to come to the hospital, and were given the chance to touch and kiss their baby brother .I know some people don't even get that much time, and I'm very grateful for what I did get, even though I still wish it had been more.  The reality that my prayers had become more real to me, made me feel like my "normal" prayers were much less than what they should have been, and that I personally was much less than what I should have been.

I wondered if part of the reason he didn't get to stay longer was that I wasn't good enough.  Maybe I wasn't a good enough mother.  Maybe I didn't want him enough.  Maybe I dreaded the sleepless nights too much.  Once he was born and in the NICU, I wondered if he would have done better if I'd have stayed there with him all night long, talking to him, instead of going back to my own hospital room and resting.  (Doctors and nurses recommended that I take care of myself too, and not obsess over caring for the baby, but in hindsight, I still wish I'd have spent more time with him.)  I can't help but ask myself if there are more things I could have done to help him survive.  Even though the problems were in his body, because I grew him, I felt like I messed things up pretty badly, like somehow my body hadn't given him the right nutrients, the right genetics....I have thought of many ways that it was partly my fault that he is dead. 

Let me be clear, I have spent many hours feeling these feelings of inferiority and doubt, but I have also spent hours reminding myself of many great and important truths that have helped me to pull myself away from the terribly depressing thoughts and feelings I have had.  They still pop up and haunt me, but I am much more able to chase them away now.  I suppose it's a little bit like learning where the different light switches in your house are--knowing which switch will chase away which darkness, and feel that I am more aware of both the darkness and the switches in my life now.

In a Christian perspective, I believe we all ask ourselves "Am I good enough?"  There are two completely opposite and true answers to this.  The first is "No."  I am a sinner. I am very imperfect, so I am not good enough.  Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.  In 1 Nephi 15:34 (and in other places) the scriptures discuss how unclean things can not enter into the kingdom of God.  And that's OK because I don't have to be perfect.  Alma 42 gives a fabulous explanation of how the Atonement helped balance God as both a just and merciful being--and that price has been paid.  God knew that I'd fall short, and that's why I have the Atonement.   I still have to try, to give effort, because his grace should change me if it truly touches my life.  I am not trying to earn my way into heaven, but I am trying to learn to be heavenly.  So the other answer to "Am I good enough?" is a resounding "Yes!"  Christ is the author and finisher of my faith (Hebrews 12:2) which means that he finishes when I'm not good enough.  When I don't have the strength, he finishes for me.  And He loves me, and wants me to succeed.  He is absolutely a God who wants me to be happy, to have joy, (2 Nephi 2:25) and to learn and grow.  And He knows me.  He has heard and answered my prayers, and I have felt His strength so many times in my life.

I have had to remind myself that I can't understand God's reasons for doing things. (Isaiah 55:8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.)

I've had to remind myself to quit judging myself so harshly.  It's unfair for me to pass judgement (even on myself) that God decided I wasn't good enough.  Matthew 7:1 says simply "Judge not that ye be not judged." In the same chapter, it gives an analogy of noticing a sliver in someone's eye when you have a beam in your own eye, and reminds us that we shouldn't do that.  Having had something in my own eye before, it's amazing how a tiny piece of wood or dirt or dust can really seem like a huge thing when it's in your eye, and you may falsely assume that you have a HUGE something in your eye, when it's really a tiny thing.  So...I need to quit judging myself, because I think sometimes I'm thinking that my imperfections are more huge than they are, and it's difficult to see anything clearly (including yourself) when you have anything in your eye.  Yes, I've got to keep trying and doing my best, because "faith without works is dead" (James 2:26), but then I need to give myself a break.

I have thought about the fact that when Jesus' good friend Lazarus died, He wept.  Mary and Martha approached him, broken hearted. He knew that he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, that what had happened was to give Him a chance to show His glory and power, and still he wept with sympathy and love.  And I believe that he feels my pain and heartache with me too.  Part of why immortality and resurrection are such a wonderful gift, are He knows how much it means to those who are excited to see loved ones again.  He's experienced that sadness, so He knows the joy the gift will bring.  I have taken those feelings, and become more excited for the chance to see Gideon again one day, and to thank the Savior in person for that gift, both of the Atonement (so that I can be good enough) and for the resurrection (so Gideon will live and have a healthy body).

I have begun to pat myself on the back for the good things I'm doing in my life, and focus not only on what I've done in the past, but on what I want to do going forward to keep making the world a better place.  I volunteer in my children's classrooms, I volunteer my time and talents in church, I teach piano, I try to reach beyond my comfort zone, especially when I notice someone who appears to be struggling.  It's important to give one's self a pat on the back , not just occasionally, but frequently, instead of only noticing the places where I'm not keeping all the balls up in the air.

Twice in the last two weeks, I have been listening to someone, and have been DEEPLY overwhelmed by the feeling that I am good enough.  The first time, it brought me to immediate tears--I knew that God wanted me to know that He knows I've been worried about it, and that He wants me to quit worrying about it.

This is a flowering plant we got for Gideon's funeral.  It always helps me feel happy to see it bloom.

I am trying each day to be better than who I was, and to not only improve myself on this journey, but to take others with me.  I believe that one day I'll understand, and I'll see more of what God sees, understand what he understands, and this will all make sense, and hopefully those thoughts will be laughable.  Until that day, I keep reaching to become my best self, and help those around me do the same, and trust that it is, indeed, good enough.