perspectives

Another one of my "nerdy life parallels".  You know when you use a microscope, how changing the lens (or perspective) can make a huge difference?   If you have the magnification up to high, it can be hard to find what you are even looking at--you might confuse the edge of the slide or a piece of dust with the specimen you're supposed to be actually looking at.  It's usually better to start out on a lower power of magnification as you are finding and focusing on your specimen, then increase the magnification.  However, the lesser magnification (or perspective) doesn't give you a close enough look to truly grasp the structure of your specimen, and you need to increase the strength and power of your magnification to really see and understand what you are looking at.  Sometimes, you think you are seeing something on the lens, and then once you start focusing, you realize that you were looking only at an air bubble in your slide, or a piece of dust.  (No hiding it now, I'm a nerd of epic proportions.)  Since we learned that Gideon might not get to stay here on earth with us, I feel like my life has gone through a series of perspective and focus changes, similar to what you'd experience while viewing things under a microscope.

In some ways, I have taken a step back.  My perspective has broadened, I am looking at the "bigger picture" instead of just focusing on a smaller piece or a smaller detail.  I have a greater sense of God's perspective (which I intensely prayed for as we dealt with the reality of his medical problems and then his loss) and I can see myself as who I was and who I am and who I want to be.  Not that I understand why, but I know that God understands why, and that one day, when I'm able to even see things from a greater distance, I'll see it too.

I also feel like my ability to magnify and take a closer look at the smaller details of my life has improved.  I can more readily see how individual pieces are able to make up the whole.  Even when dealing with other people, I feel like my intuition has grown, I can better sympathize and understand people's feelings, having deeply explored grief and pain myself so recently.  Again, I don't feel like I understand everything about everyone, and in some ways, I feel like this dose of "magnification" has helped me to realize how much I still don't know and understand about each person.  I have found that I am better able to sense feelings and empathize with others, though.

My ability to focus has also grown.  As I am blessed with understanding of life, of the "big picture", I can tell when I am focusing on insubstantial things, and I can back up, readjust, and zoom back in on something that is "real".  I don't need to waste time on proverbial "air bubbles", and I am better at quickly recognizing them.  I have become increasingly frustrated at things that waste my time, or that don't help me to grow in one realm or another, be it socially, mentally, physically, or spiritually.  I want to make my time and efforts count each day.

While it has been painful to come by, I am grateful for the increased ability to change perspectives.  Life has taken on new meanings, and in many ways has become better and more fully enjoyable because of them, although I also find a deeper level of sorrow and pain, even when empathizing with others. I wish there was a less painful way to have grown in the ability to look at things from different angles, but I'll take the learning and growth with the pain, knowing that one day the pain will be gone, and the perspective will have changed my life for the better.