All heaven broke loose

There is a phrase for moments when things go drastically wrong: "All hell broke loose."  I have been thinking a lot about Christmas and snow this past week (we got over a foot of snow within 2 days) and wondering about the moments when things go overwhelmingly right.  Why don't we say "all heaven broke loose"?

For example: when Christ was born, the scriptures explain that there was a multitude of heavenly hosts who shared in the happy and excited moment through singing.  I have wondered: Was I there?  Did I rejoice with the angels and sing at his birth?  Did Gideon and I sing together, as we marveled at the gifts that we'd be given--a second chance at life, a resurrected perfect body, understanding from an all-knowing and all-loving being who was willing to experience all of our pain and suffering, so that we don't have to carry our burdens alone?  I am pretty sure that the moment that the heavenly hosts sang, the phrase "all heaven broke loose" would have applied.

I've enjoyed the beauty of the world so much, and the stillness, peace, and silence that occur when a thick snow is coming down.  The world is such an amazing place, given by a phenomenal Creator, and as the snow fell hard and fast this week, I thought "all heaven must be breaking loose".  In the quiet calm of that snow, I thought of the words to Silent Night...all is calm, all is bright.  And I think the word could easily be replaced with "all is right."  Even though the Savior of the world was being born in a stable, even though there were evil men plotting his demise, even though wickedness still existed in the world, it was an "all is right" type moment.

I don't know if I was there singing with those angels, and if I was there, could I really understand then how much my Savior's gifts would mean to me, prior to experiencing the love of family, the pain of sickness, the emptiness of loss, and the painful moments that sometimes happen and then haunt you throughout life?  Did I weep then because I loved and appreciated him?  I don't know, but I know that I weep now.  I LOVE my Savior.  No gifts will ever compare to His gifts. 

There continue to be moments in my life when I recognize His hand; I feel His blessings snowing down on me, creating a peace and calm that I can't duplicate on my own.  I want to do more to embrace them, to recognize them, to stop and revel in the wonder of the miracles and mercies that are coming down from heaven.  Somehow, during the last year and a half, I have become aware that "all heaven breaks loose" on me more often than I ever realized it before, and I have been often been very oblivious to it.  I don't know exactly how I'll achieve it, but it's a goal I'll probably have to work on for the rest of my life: to get better at seeing and acknowledging those times for what they really are...moments when all heaven broke loose.

perspectives

Another one of my "nerdy life parallels".  You know when you use a microscope, how changing the lens (or perspective) can make a huge difference?   If you have the magnification up to high, it can be hard to find what you are even looking at--you might confuse the edge of the slide or a piece of dust with the specimen you're supposed to be actually looking at.  It's usually better to start out on a lower power of magnification as you are finding and focusing on your specimen, then increase the magnification.  However, the lesser magnification (or perspective) doesn't give you a close enough look to truly grasp the structure of your specimen, and you need to increase the strength and power of your magnification to really see and understand what you are looking at.  Sometimes, you think you are seeing something on the lens, and then once you start focusing, you realize that you were looking only at an air bubble in your slide, or a piece of dust.  (No hiding it now, I'm a nerd of epic proportions.)  Since we learned that Gideon might not get to stay here on earth with us, I feel like my life has gone through a series of perspective and focus changes, similar to what you'd experience while viewing things under a microscope.

In some ways, I have taken a step back.  My perspective has broadened, I am looking at the "bigger picture" instead of just focusing on a smaller piece or a smaller detail.  I have a greater sense of God's perspective (which I intensely prayed for as we dealt with the reality of his medical problems and then his loss) and I can see myself as who I was and who I am and who I want to be.  Not that I understand why, but I know that God understands why, and that one day, when I'm able to even see things from a greater distance, I'll see it too.

I also feel like my ability to magnify and take a closer look at the smaller details of my life has improved.  I can more readily see how individual pieces are able to make up the whole.  Even when dealing with other people, I feel like my intuition has grown, I can better sympathize and understand people's feelings, having deeply explored grief and pain myself so recently.  Again, I don't feel like I understand everything about everyone, and in some ways, I feel like this dose of "magnification" has helped me to realize how much I still don't know and understand about each person.  I have found that I am better able to sense feelings and empathize with others, though.

My ability to focus has also grown.  As I am blessed with understanding of life, of the "big picture", I can tell when I am focusing on insubstantial things, and I can back up, readjust, and zoom back in on something that is "real".  I don't need to waste time on proverbial "air bubbles", and I am better at quickly recognizing them.  I have become increasingly frustrated at things that waste my time, or that don't help me to grow in one realm or another, be it socially, mentally, physically, or spiritually.  I want to make my time and efforts count each day.

While it has been painful to come by, I am grateful for the increased ability to change perspectives.  Life has taken on new meanings, and in many ways has become better and more fully enjoyable because of them, although I also find a deeper level of sorrow and pain, even when empathizing with others. I wish there was a less painful way to have grown in the ability to look at things from different angles, but I'll take the learning and growth with the pain, knowing that one day the pain will be gone, and the perspective will have changed my life for the better.

An extra stocking

My children are old enough that they can "Deck the Halls" without needing much assistance, so when I pulled out our tote full of Christmas stuff on the day after Thanksgiving, we all began putting up the tree, adding ornaments and tinsel, and hanging stockings, and since we're all capable, it happened pretty quickly.  We were having fun looking at their homemade ornaments from years past, and we listened to Christmas music as we hung them on our tree.

I turned from my tree to look at my mantle, and my oldest child had hung 6 children's stockings...underneath Gideon's picture is a stocking with a little stuffed animal in it.  I had to hold back tears.  I almost asked him to take it down, because looking at that extra stocking was surprisingly hard.  Sometimes I wonder why this still hurts so much, why I still miss him so very much.  He was only here for a week, it seems like it shouldn't be so painful, to miss someone that I didn't even get the chance to know very well.  In some ways the fact that he was here such a short time makes it easier, and in other ways, I think it's harder because there is so much that I missed, so many memories I don't have of him.

That stocking has stuck with me for the last week, but it has turned out to be a remarkably good thing.  Of course, with Black Friday last week and Cyber Monday this week, many places offered special sales and deals, and I have hunted for awesome prices on just the right presents that I know my family will actually use and enjoy.  The extra stocking though...created a problem for me.  How do I fill that stocking?  In some ways, thinking of Gideon's stocking has kept me grounded, given me a dose of perspective in the buying and shopping, because there is nothing I can buy to fill that stocking.  Candy and toys are out of the question.  No blankets or stuffed animals will be placed inside.  (My children put that stuffed animal into it, it was in one of the flower arrangements we received for his funeral, and they have taken turns sleeping with it since his death.)  Thinking of the ways I can fill that stocking has reminded me of the gifts that are most precious and most important.

What can I give my little angel up in heaven?  I want to give him my attention, my time, my hugs and love, and that's hard.  Every thing I want to give him is intangible, there's no way to fill a stocking with kindness, with love, with trying harder to be better, and with giving my heart to those around me.  I think that as I try to become more angelic, more perfect, I become closer to the perfect angel that he is, and more like the Heaven he is experiencing.  I also become more like my Savior, and I'm sure he'd appreciate me being more kind, loving, dedicated, and happy too.  That's what I want to put in this extra stocking.  How does one fill a stocking with such things?

I happened upon the idea that each day, I'd write down the good things I'm doing to draw myself nearer to my Savior, and also nearer to what I'd consider angelic.  I have enlisted the help of our family, and it's a team effort this holiday season, to fill Gideon's stocking.  Each day, when one of us does something that helps us to come closer to Christ or closer to perfection, we can write it down and add it to that stocking.  Gideon is a perfect little being, who never made a mistake.  We know he's up in the highest heaven, and we all want to be with him, so we need to work on being as good as we can.  We have added things like "I read my scriptures today"  or "I gave someone an extra long hug because it seemed like they needed it", and "I tried really hard to get all my work done in school today.",   It is good at the end of each day for us to sit back and reflect on the good things we have done to make a difference in the world.   Sometimes, the kids can't think of what they did to be better or kinder, and so we team up to find positive things that were said or done, so each of us gets to contribute to the stocking each day.  We are going to write down the scriptures we have been working on memorizing and add those to it.  They are gifts we are giving to our angel in heaven Gideon, and also to Jesus, and to ourselves.

At first, I thought that the extra stocking would make it harder for me each day, and I won't lie, it's still hard to look at it each day, and miss my little boy very much.  However, that extra stocking has inspired all of us to be better, to do more with our time on earth, to reach for our best selves.  I wonder why I have never thought to hang an extra stocking before, since it is Jesus' birthday we celebrate after all, so hanging a stocking for him and giving him of the things that matter most makes so much sense.  I am hoping this will transform our Christmas season, bringing us closer to our Savior and by helping us become more each day than what we were the day before.  I hope that by daily seeking to do good, and help others in our family see the good that they are doing, that we will feel closer to our perfect angel that we still miss so much.